Archive for the ‘Self-awareness’ Category
Is there such a things as a formula to happiness? There is movement called positive psychology that attempts to answer that question. It works out what you need to do, to be happy. Positive psychology studies not our problems, trauma and wounds, rather the mechanics of what makes us happy and contented. The focus is on how to be happy rather than how not to be sad. I have read a number of books in these areas that I have found both helpful and fascinating. There some links at the bottom of the post to the ones I have read.
Although I liked these books, there is a danger for me, at least when it comes to reading, not just these books but any book on improving oneself. This issue is illustrated a by true story what happened to me last summer. Picture lovely warm summer’s day in Malta. Lucky for me I only live a walk away from the beach. Although I live in the part of the island that has sandy beach, I prefer more secluded rocky part of the coast, that is quieter and nice to swim in. So there I was about to head out to the beach and spotted on our book shelf a book I didn’t realise we had .I has been meaning to order it after reading an article of the author but I just hadn’t got around to .Little did I know my partner Susana had already bought book and had just recently unpacked on our book self. The book is called “Happiness: Lesson in a new science†by Richards Layman .On the front over it has little star that says inside the “ 7 Causes of being happyâ€. Wow! I thought I will grab the book and was filled with that sense of satisfaction when you find something you really want to read. My morning was now mapped out, have swim, lay out my towel and discover the 7 causes of being happy, hoping of course I immediately cause them there and then.
So far so good, I get to the beach, I have my lovely swim, I lay out my towel, I get out my water, if put on my sunglasses, I pull the book from my back pack and then like a true Frank Spencer , I kind of did this weird losing of balance thing and the book came flying out of my hands .The place I was I actually high up from the sea and the book fell from my hands and into the sea. Too far down and impossible to get to, I just had to watch my book, actually Susana’s book ,float off into the Mediterranean . So the moral of the story ,according to Susana it was to never ever leave the house with book that’s hers. Ok I got that one. Second moral a Freudian slip, accuse the pun, or subconscious message to myself. Maybe I should stop reading, researching, listening and taking in how to be happy, maybe it was time to give being happy ago? Of all the books to plummet in the sea, particularly when I was so looking forward to reading it, one on “How to Happy”. This can’t just a coincidence it’s a sign for sure.
Keeping up to date with global news it’s hard not to get cynical and feel anger about how so much injustice goes so on so blatantly. The more you read, the more you know that one way or the other the “bad guys†so to speak, win and go unpunished. Tony Blair’s recent testimony the Chilcot enquiry illustrates this. Blair took the Britain to a war in Iraq that has resulted in the death of over 600,000 Iraqi and over 179 British soldiers all on false information. He recently was asked at the Chilcot inquiry if he had any regrets, he openly stated he has none in front of the families whose children died in this pointless war. You don’t have to be a professor in international law to know that invading a sovereign nation solely because its leader is a “buy guy†is not legitimate. It’s obvious the UK and the US sanction bad guys they like and vilify the ones they don’t .So this chapter of Iraq is just another chapter in the ongoing saga of injustice and brutality that seem common place in our history as people. Now with the media, more than ever we witnesses it, we observe, we watch it. We passively absorb the diluted version via our flat screen TV. I have no doubt ten years from now there will an other war rolled out some other place , inflicting more uncalled for pain and suffering to thousands.
Also just as predictable I will be prattling to my friends or anyone else unlucky enough to have to listen about how immoral these injustices are. Given the chance I will vent my moral and righteous anger on the decimating impact of neo liberalism on the developing economies. Like I am somehow enchanted and hypnotised with the sound of my voice, I will talks for hours to anyone who will listen when it comes to these kinds of topics of conversation. So here I am faced with full awareness of the world and all its injustice, I read the books, I subscribe to the email newsletter, I furrow my brow with moral supremacy at Tony Blair’s arrogance. Yet I am faced with basic and simple question, what can I do to make it better? To right these wrongs,to make a lasting difference to this so called “unjust worldâ€. Well for all my talk it may appear very little. I don’t think I make it massively worse, I am not an arms dealer or I don’t club harp seals. At the end of the day like most people my day ends up being about my day. My life is made of up the things that affect me, my work, my relationship my own day to day drama. my life is dedicated to the fulfilment of responsibilities , my wants and needs. I like most people I am not a statesman making choices that have global ramifications, I am not billionaire philanthropist , whose charities feed and educate the poor. I am phone psychic , living in Malta. My circle of influence and impact on global issues has a very limited and narrow reach, actually limited and narrow is being generous, the truth is there more closer almost nothing.
I just thought I would start gradually sharing some of the authors and teachers I have been most moved by over the years. It’s funny how different books come into your life. My father started reading J. Krishnamurti (Here is link to his books on Amazon)
when I was around 13-14 years old. It was then I picked up one his books and took an interest in what he had to say. Although the bulk of his writing was too heavy going for me, not just at that age but even now, I did end up with a book of his quotes. I loved reading his insights on the limits of religion and the nature of thought. One of my favourite quotes was “Human thought cannot solve a problem ,as human thought is the problem†. The great thing about that quote is it didn’t even allow you to think about it . It was a quote I would repeat often, as I was at an age were I loved quoting things I didn’t understand, with the tone that I did. At least know I am more honest about not having any idea. In addition to that he had way of challenging the most common assumptions and supposed truths. He speaks with a gravity and urgency of how each us needs to take responsibility for the conflict that lies within each of us, that mirrors itself in the conflicts of the world. He is someone you have to slowly absorb and really concentrate to take in what he is saying. He has penetrating lucidity that is truly intelligent and deep.
The story of how he became the wise man, in of its is fascinating. He was groomed to be savoir or messiah from an early age. As it turns out they made a little wiser than they expected ,as he reject the whole idea of being the “chosen one†and spent his life teaching we all have the power to liberate ourselves from conditioning and fear. I still occasionally pick up one of his books and find it as eloquent and as insightful as I did 23 years ago. Obviously his writing remains the same and I discover that I have changed, as I see and understand things in his work that I previously missed. Someone really worth reading or listening to.
WEBSITE
Click here for a web site with all this works
VIDEO
J.Krishnamurti – Talk from Ojai California
I read once that pain in life is unavoidable but suffering is. I interpreted that to mean that suffering is more a mental and emotional attitude to something, whereas pain just is. In my life I have had my fair share of both pain and suffering. Feeling negative seems a natural and normal part of living it would seem, sadness, hurt, despair and despondence all seem to be common experiences for most of us at one time or another. There is a balance on the one hand allowing yourself to feel and experience your pain in a healthy, unrepressed manner, then on the other hand there is the capacity of get entangled, caught and imprisoned by negativity.
How do we know when we positively acknowledging our pain or when we have become victims of self inflicted self pity? For me unless you have reached a certain level of Buddhahood there is a place for pain and suffering. From a theoretical point of view suffering only comes from a conditioned and false set of thinking and reacting, even if that is the case, we have to work with where we are, not where we could or should be.
The first step for this is about being emotionally honest with oneself. Maybe you have been asked “Are you ok?†With either a sad or angry expression reply “I’m fine!†when every inch of your tone and body language says otherwise. We can’t work through or go beyond something we are pretending not even to have, unless we are being truthful towards ourselves.
Our emotions have a reason for being there. They tell a lot about ourselves and where we are at inside ourselves.
So a second step can be to try observe how we feel from a non judging point of view, to be a witness to how we feel rather than a critic. We often have conflict that relates to voices inside our head arguing how we should or shouldn’t feel. This is a big part of how negative feelings take root as we don’t truly allow ourselves the right to have them. This starts at early age when as kids we are told by parents how we should feel as opposed to how actually we feel, this is later re-enforced by our society and culture.
For me I would say the hardest part that I face inside myself when it comes to transcending the negative feelings I have about myself or others, is the ability to view how I’m feeling from a point of compassion and kindness. So I first pretend I don’t have the feelings I have, then if it’s so obvious its undeniable I dismiss these feelings or justify them but what I don’t do is view them from a loving and compassionate perspective. This would be the norm, yet what I can say is I have had times that for whatever reason I have managed to step back, even just a fraction and look at my negative feelings with a feeling of compassion towards myself. When I have done this, these feelings seem to dissolve. It’s like when they have been acknowledged and allowed to be, they seem them to gently and effortlessly dissipate. Not only that but I have been able to see their value and gain some better insight to myself.
The things I have found helpful in eliminating negative feelings is more consistent practice of mediation and prayer, talking openly to others about how I am feeling, spending more time outside in direct contact with nature, how can one feel negative looking at the night sky or a field of wildflowers. Nurture a more loving attitude towards oneself which I genuinely believe is the key to so much of what we need in today’s world. So next time you find yourself in a negative place, try being honest, being open, and most of all be happy.
A film I would recommend any one to rent on DVD is “The Choirâ€. It’s a French, feel good film about a caring teacher who starts a choir in a French boarding school for delinquent boys. Throughout the film, the somewhat mean principal ,has a philosophy to discipline that is repeated with gusto “ action, reaction!â€Meaning that every naughty deed committed by one of the boys must be responded to, hence “action, reactionâ€.
In a funny way this a metaphor for how many of us, including myself, deal with life. Stuff happens, then we react. Often the way we react is not conscious, like Pavlov dogs the bells ring and we salivate. We seem programmed to react to certain stimuli in pre-defined way. Not many of us can be on the receiving end of insults and stinging criticism from a person we care about and remain detached and indifferent. We will find those comments hurtful and cutting. We feel justified and warranted in that feeling of being hurt. We could write accurate and long lists formula that say, if A happened I would do this B, if X happen I would probably react with Z.
All this is well and good, but often our reactions do not contribute to the life and relationships we actually want. As an example, someone I care about emotionally distances themselves from me. My reaction is to feel insecure and needy. As they see this reaction they pull away furthering my insecurities. So my reaction has brought the very things I was most afraid of happening. So the question is, how can I react less and respond more? How can I transcend my conditioned reaction and response to feelings, situations and people in way that is more centred, genuine and harmonious.
A start is first just knowing it is possible. One of the most exciting things to understand is our inherent capacity to change and transform. It may not be easy or straightforward but it is definitely possible. So once we know it is possible we then move to the question of how. From my own experience the thing I have found most powerful in limiting my reaction is to become more detached from the part of me that is doing the reacting.
I was speaking to a client the other day about picturing that you have monkey sitting on your shoulder throughout your day. This monkey is demanding, moody, sulking self pitying. It’s like a self-centred ,adolescent, crazy chimp on crystal meth, endlessly barking out should and shouldn’t to you all day. Always wanting more, never happy, never fulfilled, except of course when it gets what it wants, and then it is only ever momentarily This monkey is what is “reacting†part in you.
How often do we hear the expression “she/he is in denial”? In my own life I have felt the blinding and crippling impact of denial. Of course we are not talking denial in the meaning of refusing a request, we are referring to its definition meaning “An unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings†.Obviously the tricky part of denial is that important word “unconscious†.It’s easy to look back at an ex that might have been just using us, after the whole drama has unfolded. The issue is how can we be more “conscious†of what is going on, not with hindsight but with the midst of the situation itself. Another important word to observe within the definition is the word “defence†.You could also use the word “protect†or “to safeguardâ€. It is like a part of us can’t handle the truth so we build an almost imaginary reality layered on top of the real reality. We choose to believe, defend and uphold this reality, even though to others it is obvious or even absurd. To us our denial enables us to continue to believe and function. I can see in some cases how denial maybe a way to ensure we stay sane and balanced. .Particularly as children, maybe some realities are too hard for our fragile and vulnerable minds to face, so be build up a layer of denial to protect our psyche from too much direct trauma, particularly if there is little we can do to change the reality. Yet for most of us as adults who are able to deal and change our circumstances, denial then only serves in general to blind us to a reality that either doesn’t suit us or doesn’t serve us. When I look at my own life the areas of my biggest denial relate to problems I have had and my relationships. My denial is my public dishonesty, first with myself, then the rest of the world. When I look back it does seem obvious what I was in denial about but at the time it wasn’t. So if I follow that logic I can only assume that right now there must other things I hold be true that I could be in denial about. So what do I do to work out what’s true and what is false? To be honest I don’t have a clear answer, this is something I am working on, and probably will continue to be working on the rest of my life. Some pointers I can share with you on some characteristics of denial that can make it easier to indentify. A big red flag and flashing neon sign that you may be in denial is defensiveness, the same word mentioned in the definition. When someone say’s my employee is taking advantage of me and being lazy, then I get angry and defend them it could mean I am in denial. Maybe I afraid if I admit it that it shows I am a push over, a poor manager. Maybe it means the friendship I thought we had was imaginary and he was just using me .Either way when we loudly defend something it can be sign of denial. Avoidance is another sign of denial. When someone broaches something and I say “look I just don’t want to talk about it†when they ask “why?†and I reply “well I just don’t†in a snappy and curt manner it could be another sign.
Part 1: Why Do We Give Mixed Messages? In theory, communication is a simple concept: I say something and you respond appropriately; I express what I want or leave it if there is nothing I feel inclined to say. It may be simple, but it is not easy. Perceptions, emotions and all of the differences between us get in the way. This is where the confusion and misunderstanding comes in. This is where mixed messages thrive.
When we are in a relationship or a developing relationship, because our feelings are running high and are so important, we can become very confused if the other person starts to display mixed messages about their interest in us.
These messages can come in the form of what they say or their gestures. One week they may display closeness and interest and the next week they may leave a call unreturned or ignore a sms. Now they are acting as if they are not interested and want to avoid you. You may think that that is the end of the relationship. However, the confusing part is to come: out of the blue, they may suddenly contact you, decide they are really keen and start behaving in ways that show their enthusiasm for you.
This is what is commonly referred to as giving mixed messages in a relationship. It is a “come-to-me; go-away; come-to-me†style of interaction.
The source of mixed messages… We all know the feeling of being confused and unsure as to what we want. The way in which we speak and behave depends on what is going on in our hearts and minds and our experience of the world. There are always so many thoughts and feelings running through us that we simply can’t act on all of them. Some we tune into and others we let go.
When you are at the receiving end of mixed messages, the person giving them is alternatively responding to their desire to be close to you and then their need to withdraw. They are responding to their feelings that surface at that moment in time. You must not consider it in absolute terms, in other words that they either do or don’t like you, as they are simply behaving according to their inner world. Your experience of them matches their internal experience. People give mixed messages because they have mixed feelings going on inside them! Understand yourself in order to understand them…
Closeness in a Relationship Closeness can be a very tricky thing. Sometimes we find ourselves running away from it, sometimes we find ourselves wishing and wanting it when it’s not there. The truth is that closeness and intimacy are one of the many things which make life special and meaningful. Although it is a cliché, it is true when they say that on your death bed you won’t be looking back thinking: “Could I have made more money, had more acclaim?†More than likely you will be thinking: “Who was I close to? Whom did I love? Could I have loved them more?â€
Closeness as a gauge in relationships…
Closeness is an intangible and precious gift we both give and receive. Yet, for many of us, finding, developing and enjoying it can be part of life’s challenges. This can especially be the case when it comes to romantic relationships. Maybe we had closeness and it slipped away; maybe it was never there in first place and so we look for it even more. Either way, when it comes to romantic relationships the level of closeness, in many ways, is the gauge of the success of the relationship. The closer we are, the more we feel the relationship is working; the more distance, the more we feel things are wrong, things are not working. Often we can feel that things lie somewhere in the middle: we have some closeness but not as much as we would like.
Closeness as a value…
We can look at this issue in the light of values. If we have a partner who comes from a family where distance is the norm and closeness is not something they value, we can’t force that person to be close to us. They care for us in their own way. So, if closeness is the measure of the quality of a relationship and we can’t force our partners to be closer to us, there remains the question of how to we get closer to the people we love.
The process of becoming closer…
A basic thing to understand is how closeness is developed. Closeness is the natural process of being able to be honest, open and yourself with a person. It does not have to be romantic. We could say “I had such a great weekend with my mum; by the end of it we just seemed so much closerâ€. When we say “so much closerâ€, what do we mean? What happens to make us “closerâ€? Sadly we live in a society where much of our time is spent behind masks and different personas. It is not often that we feel naturally open, honest and close to people. Our guards are up automatically and we take time to warm and get close to people. So, part of this closeness is about really knowing people.
Relationships as Our Teacher I remember reading how relationships are the number one way to help us grow and develop as people. No matter how many self-help books you read or meditating mantra’s you learn, nothing beats relationships as a means to expand ourselves. I would hear or read this theory time and time again and I understood it on an intellectual level but, for whatever reason, the true value of its meaning never really clicked. Then, with time and the occurrence of a number of relationship issues in my own life, I started to feel and experience what this concept means. Relationships – in particular the more challenging ones – are in factor our greatest teachers. Why? Well it comes back to another age-old piece of wisdom, about knowing yourself.
Relationships show us who we are…
To know who we are unlocks a key to our destiny and our fundamental relationship with the universe. To know ourselves we have to become self-aware, we have to take the blindfold off our defensives and ego and see clearly the way we are and what is truly going on inside of us. But, how can we really see our behaviour when our view of ourselves is always clouded by our own inherent bias and conditioning? How can we let go of things we don’t know exist? This is where the power of relationships comes in. They are the magic mirror on the wall that reflects the clear view of us.
Our perception creates our reality…
Our relationships reveal two things to us. Firstly, our own view of the universe and the world around us and, secondly, other people’s view and experience of us. Let us look at an example. I’m sitting down at a bar, comfortably settled on a stool, glass of cold beer in my hand and munching on peanuts. You come in and join me. I start to share my philosophy of life and people with you. I tell you that there are two types of people in this world. There are untrustworthy scam artists who are out to steal, cheat and exploit at every opportunity and then there are gullible suckers who are dumb enough to trust in others at their own peril. Do you think that that perspective is actually reality and a fact of all of humanity? Or, do you think that this person is sharing a view of people based on their own experience of life? If you were to believe this to be true, how do you think it would affect the way in which you relate to others? How would it influence your ability to be close to others and to accept unconditional kindness and love? Maybe for this person they did at one point in life trust others. I am sure that to see the world this way isn’t an inherent belief from birth but rather it’s a perspective that has developed based on their experiences and how they have responded to these experiences. If you believe in a self-created universe, the fact is that if this person really does see people in this way, eventually this view will be mirrored back to them in the way people treat them. This will then only reinforce their beliefs and so the cycle continues.
How Gratitude Changes Our Lives
When I was young, the gratitude I was encouraged to have was mixed in with a general dollop of guilt: I should eat all the food on my plate as there are people starving in the world; I should be grateful for what I have as there are many that have less than me and “you don’t see them complaining†etc. My gratitude was meant to arise from an overall sense of guilt: others had so little while I had so much therefore I should be grateful. There is of course some truth to this, but guilt is not the basis of gratitude and appreciation.
The problem is that, if I am only grateful when it appears that I am doing better than others or I have all the things that society tells me I should have , then what happens if I somehow lose these things? At that point am I justified in feeling hard done by and unthankful? This is the problem when gratitude is measured by external things. A gratitude that’s less transient is a gratitude for life itself. This is not gratitude measured by external things, but rather it is a feeling of deep appreciation and realised value regarding my life and the whole universe. It’s the ability to stay fully aware of the WOW factor that is all of life.
Gratitude and Ourselves
Gratitude gets us out of ourselves. When I think of the opposite of gratitude, I think of self pity. When we are full of self pity and feeling totally sorry for ourselves we are, more often than not, empty of any gratitude. Being immersed in ourselves and full of misery or pride cuts us off from really contributing to the world and making it an even more wonderful place. Feeling grateful brings us out of our heads and into our hearts. It make us want to engage and give, to help and heal.
When you stop, close your eyes, and really ponder on how wonderful life is, how wonderful you are, how amazing and brilliant the whole “human and planet in the middle of the universe†thing really is; when you let the full greatness of life really hit you and hit you hard, it does make you want to get up and get involved. It makes you want to hug and hold people. It makes you want to make the most of this day. It brings to the fore that feeling that life and time is precious so why not use what we have to do good things for people. Gratitude and Choice
