Archive for the ‘Relationship Insights’ Category
Part 1: Why Do We Give Mixed Messages? In theory, communication is a simple concept: I say something and you respond appropriately; I express what I want or leave it if there is nothing I feel inclined to say. It may be simple, but it is not easy. Perceptions, emotions and all of the differences between us get in the way. This is where the confusion and misunderstanding comes in. This is where mixed messages thrive.
When we are in a relationship or a developing relationship, because our feelings are running high and are so important, we can become very confused if the other person starts to display mixed messages about their interest in us.
These messages can come in the form of what they say or their gestures. One week they may display closeness and interest and the next week they may leave a call unreturned or ignore a sms. Now they are acting as if they are not interested and want to avoid you. You may think that that is the end of the relationship. However, the confusing part is to come: out of the blue, they may suddenly contact you, decide they are really keen and start behaving in ways that show their enthusiasm for you.
This is what is commonly referred to as giving mixed messages in a relationship. It is a “come-to-me; go-away; come-to-me†style of interaction.
The source of mixed messages… We all know the feeling of being confused and unsure as to what we want. The way in which we speak and behave depends on what is going on in our hearts and minds and our experience of the world. There are always so many thoughts and feelings running through us that we simply can’t act on all of them. Some we tune into and others we let go.
When you are at the receiving end of mixed messages, the person giving them is alternatively responding to their desire to be close to you and then their need to withdraw. They are responding to their feelings that surface at that moment in time. You must not consider it in absolute terms, in other words that they either do or don’t like you, as they are simply behaving according to their inner world. Your experience of them matches their internal experience. People give mixed messages because they have mixed feelings going on inside them! Understand yourself in order to understand them…
Closeness in a Relationship Closeness can be a very tricky thing. Sometimes we find ourselves running away from it, sometimes we find ourselves wishing and wanting it when it’s not there. The truth is that closeness and intimacy are one of the many things which make life special and meaningful. Although it is a cliché, it is true when they say that on your death bed you won’t be looking back thinking: “Could I have made more money, had more acclaim?†More than likely you will be thinking: “Who was I close to? Whom did I love? Could I have loved them more?â€
Closeness as a gauge in relationships…
Closeness is an intangible and precious gift we both give and receive. Yet, for many of us, finding, developing and enjoying it can be part of life’s challenges. This can especially be the case when it comes to romantic relationships. Maybe we had closeness and it slipped away; maybe it was never there in first place and so we look for it even more. Either way, when it comes to romantic relationships the level of closeness, in many ways, is the gauge of the success of the relationship. The closer we are, the more we feel the relationship is working; the more distance, the more we feel things are wrong, things are not working. Often we can feel that things lie somewhere in the middle: we have some closeness but not as much as we would like.
Closeness as a value…
We can look at this issue in the light of values. If we have a partner who comes from a family where distance is the norm and closeness is not something they value, we can’t force that person to be close to us. They care for us in their own way. So, if closeness is the measure of the quality of a relationship and we can’t force our partners to be closer to us, there remains the question of how to we get closer to the people we love.
The process of becoming closer…
A basic thing to understand is how closeness is developed. Closeness is the natural process of being able to be honest, open and yourself with a person. It does not have to be romantic. We could say “I had such a great weekend with my mum; by the end of it we just seemed so much closerâ€. When we say “so much closerâ€, what do we mean? What happens to make us “closerâ€? Sadly we live in a society where much of our time is spent behind masks and different personas. It is not often that we feel naturally open, honest and close to people. Our guards are up automatically and we take time to warm and get close to people. So, part of this closeness is about really knowing people.
Part 1: The Ins And Outs of Letting Go There are a number of situations where people can end up holding onto relationships that seem over. It could involve a spouse who has recently left or it could involve someone they haven’t seen in two years and haven’t spoken to in a year. The situations may be different, but the dynamics are the same. The person is unable to let go of their ex-partner – the one they love and want to be with.
What it means to hold on…
When we are holding onto someone, to a relationship, we are preoccupied with how things were in the past and how we would like things to be in the future. We are remembering what the relationship was like and we are thinking about how we would like things to be in the future. We live in a state of wanting to get back together and waiting for it to happen.
What it means to let go…
Letting go is not the same as giving up. Letting go means that we no longer allow ourselves to become caught up in the anxieties of this relationship. We no longer focus on what was and what we want to be.
It doesn’t mean that we give up on the potential of ever getting back together with the person; it means no longer holding on to those desperate needs that we have around the relationship.
What to let go of…
We must also understand what it is that we need to let go of. Is it the person or the ideal of the person? For example, say we are in a situation where we are getting mixed messages from the other person. Our ideal is that this person gives consistent and positive messages regarding the relationship. We expect this to be the case; it is part of how we define a loving relationship. Perhaps we need to let go of this expectation, let go of this requirement to have the other person clear about the situation. We need to let go of this ideal and not necessarily the relationship itself. Perhaps we need to let go of the ideal that we should be together with this particular person and have romantic bliss. Perhaps we need to accept certain aspects of a person and then make a decision as to whether we want to deal with it or walk away.
Relationships as Our Teacher I remember reading how relationships are the number one way to help us grow and develop as people. No matter how many self-help books you read or meditating mantra’s you learn, nothing beats relationships as a means to expand ourselves. I would hear or read this theory time and time again and I understood it on an intellectual level but, for whatever reason, the true value of its meaning never really clicked. Then, with time and the occurrence of a number of relationship issues in my own life, I started to feel and experience what this concept means. Relationships – in particular the more challenging ones – are in factor our greatest teachers. Why? Well it comes back to another age-old piece of wisdom, about knowing yourself.
Relationships show us who we are…
To know who we are unlocks a key to our destiny and our fundamental relationship with the universe. To know ourselves we have to become self-aware, we have to take the blindfold off our defensives and ego and see clearly the way we are and what is truly going on inside of us. But, how can we really see our behaviour when our view of ourselves is always clouded by our own inherent bias and conditioning? How can we let go of things we don’t know exist? This is where the power of relationships comes in. They are the magic mirror on the wall that reflects the clear view of us.
Our perception creates our reality…
Our relationships reveal two things to us. Firstly, our own view of the universe and the world around us and, secondly, other people’s view and experience of us. Let us look at an example. I’m sitting down at a bar, comfortably settled on a stool, glass of cold beer in my hand and munching on peanuts. You come in and join me. I start to share my philosophy of life and people with you. I tell you that there are two types of people in this world. There are untrustworthy scam artists who are out to steal, cheat and exploit at every opportunity and then there are gullible suckers who are dumb enough to trust in others at their own peril. Do you think that that perspective is actually reality and a fact of all of humanity? Or, do you think that this person is sharing a view of people based on their own experience of life? If you were to believe this to be true, how do you think it would affect the way in which you relate to others? How would it influence your ability to be close to others and to accept unconditional kindness and love? Maybe for this person they did at one point in life trust others. I am sure that to see the world this way isn’t an inherent belief from birth but rather it’s a perspective that has developed based on their experiences and how they have responded to these experiences. If you believe in a self-created universe, the fact is that if this person really does see people in this way, eventually this view will be mirrored back to them in the way people treat them. This will then only reinforce their beliefs and so the cycle continues.
The Cure for Commitment Phobia Revealed!
The first flush of love…. When we enter a new relationship we tend to wonder how serious the relationship will be. It is a normal human quality to project into the future with our private fantasies of what could be, even if we have only had one date! Then the dates progress, weeks and months pass, and we enter these weird stages when we know them enough to be sure we like them, but not enough to ask them about their feelings. It is also during this period the unspoken rules and boundaries of a relationship are established, as enough time has passed to see patterns and precedents being set up. Often it is now that we start becoming aware that the person we find ourselves really liking may not be giving to the relationship in the same way or with the same priority and importance that we do. This is when it can start to feel complicated. It’s a time when it starts to dawn on us that maybe this person is unable to commit.
John and Betty and the same old story… The other day, when I was out for coffee with friends, two friends shared their tales of commitment woe with me.
“Mike is a fantastic guyâ€, said Betty. “He is everything I ever dreamed of. We have such wonderful times together; it’s just that our contact is so inconsistent. Some weeks we speak to each other daily and I’ll spend the whole weekend with him. Other weeks I don’t hear from him at all; he doesn’t even return my messages.†Then John piped in: “After my divorce I never thought that I would meet another woman that I could love. Then I found Carol and everything changed. I feel as if we are perfect together and I want us to take our relationship to the next level, but every time I mention anything along the lines of settling down, she seems to withdraw, quickly changes the subject or has a reason to leave the room. I don’t understand it. We are so close in every other way, but this is a topic where she simply won’t let me in.â€
What I heard were two loving people unsure of what to do and how to move forward. I am sure that if you have dealt with a person who is afraid of commitment you will be able to relate.
One of the issues around love that I regularly encounter in my readings is that of a person struggling to find a good relationship. The person feels that they are ready, but the right partner simply doesn’t seem to cross their path. They see their friends and family enjoying loving relationships, but they don’t seem to be able to have that need in themselves fulfilled. To want a relationship is normal and healthy but, if it is not happening, it is easy for you to become negative and begin to despair.
It seems as if there is nothing you can do… You cannot force love; it is an experience that must come naturally. You cannot simply make a relationship happen; but, you can create the space to enable it enter your life, and an environment that is welcoming. This is what we mean by “attracting loveâ€.
We need to acknowledge our relationship with the Universe…
When we look at our lives, we can decide what we want and what we would like to see and feel there. However, we are a part of a larger entity; we are a part of the Universe. We need to look beyond our microcosm of life in order to find and attract what we seek. We must open ourselves up to the Universe and trust that it will provide. Resistance keeps us trapped…
The Universe feeds into our life and the events or situations we encounter, but often we are unaware of its involvement and sometimes we even resist its process. This resistance takes the form of our hanging onto our fears and destructive thoughts. We fear being alone, we replay relationships that went wrong and we worry about why we are not in a loving relationship, wondering what is wrong with us. It is only through letting go of this negativity that we can enter the flow of the Universe and create the environment for what we want.
Nurturing clear intention… The second aspect of attracting what we want from the Universe is to be clear about our desires. This is not about drawing up a wish list; it is about knowing where you won’t compromise. It is not about setting up limitations, but it is about working from a positive space. We must nurture this intention as a welcome to the relationship that we want in our life.
Keeping an open heart makes us receptive to love… Life is a big picture and we can’t focus on only one area, such as that of relationships. If we do so, we are limiting our hearts and minds and shutting ourselves off from the energy of the Universe. We need to open ourselves to all of experience, embrace every opportunity and live our lives fully. If we are moving on a path of expansion, enjoying our experience and following our destiny, we are receptive to the right loving energies and it is most likely that the relationship we want will enter our lives. We will have attracted the loving relationship we desire.
When you are battling to find the loving relationship that you want, you need to consider what may be blocking you. In my previous article I discussed the principles behind attracting a loving relationship into your life. We saw that there are two main areas where we struggle in the process of attracting what we want in our lives. They are: letting go and clear intention. So, in this article, I am going to discuss the obstacles that may lie in these areas when you are having difficulty finding the right relationship.
Coming from a space of self-content… Make sure that you are ready for a relationship. If you have not resolved old hurts or if you are currently in the throws of life difficulties, you cannot be receptive to what you desire.
If you always seem to be in the “wrong†relationship, look at yourself. What negative aspect of yourself is that relationship reflecting? If the relationship is lacking in love, perhaps you need to find self-love. Until you resolve this issue, each relationship you experience will show you the importance of loving yourself.
When we are searching for a partner and don’t seem to be getting anywhere, it is easy to start to despair. However, despair turns you against the flow of the Universe. Despair will cause you to push harder in your search whilst chasing all of you opportunities away.
Remember that if you hang onto fears and negative thoughts, you cannot join the dance of the Universe; and it is this connection that brings you what you desire. You need to be content within yourself, and have let go of the events and emotions that hold you back, before seeking a loving relationship.
You may be sabotaging yourself…
Often we can be thinking and saying what we want but, on a deeper level, we are actually working against ourselves and sabotage any chance of success. There are always many paths that self-sabotage can take, but consider these two in your search for understanding this situation:
- Perhaps you have been hurt previously and your fear of future rejection is so great that it prevents you from allowing yourself to have the loving relationship that you can – and that you deserve.
- Maybe you are scared or unwilling to move out of your comfort zone. You may have had many years on your own, free to your own habits; or, you may fear trying new activities and visiting different places
Clarity on your intentions…
Resistance and Relationshipless – How They Are Linked
Yes its true I did just coin or make up my own word “relationshiplessâ€. I have even added it to my Microsoft Word spellchecker so that now, when I type it in, I no longer get a red line underneath it. I am defining being relationshipless as “not having a romantic partnerâ€. When I do psychic readings I get many clients who are relationshipless and, more often than not, are looking to get out of this position. I also have clients that are in relationships and are afraid of being relationshipless. Relationshipless is not, from my experience, a popular space.
The ways of responding to relationshipless…
When people are relationshipless they tend to swing between two states: anxiously searching for love and despondently not being bothered anymore. As a person tires of one phase, they swing into the other. It seems to be a never-ending cycle of despair.
It is possible when looking at being relationshipless, to say: “Where I am today, without a loving partner, is exactly where I need to be.†How can this be so? Well because, to put it plainly, this is exactly where you are. To explain further: the universe gives and provides you with everything you need in a perfect order; so, if you didn’t need to be in this position you wouldn’t be. The problem is not being relationshipless, the problem is your problem with it. The importance of non-resistance…
There is a basic law of life, so to speak, that, in my experience, seems to be true. This is the Resistance-Persistence Law. According to this Law, the more we resist something the bigger the issue seems to be and the larger it becomes. It hangs around and won’t let go. It’s like when you give a dog a bone and aggressively try to pull it from its mouth. The harder you pull the more the dog holds on tightly. If you then stop pulling and just gently move the bone around in its mouth, it seems to simply let go (at least my dog does this, so, try it out). The universe has order and the way it works is that when we force, push, resist, argue and cry “Stop!†then it seems to bring on whatever it is we are resisting even more forcefully. It is almost saying: “surrender to, or else!â€
The Essence of a Relationship with a Married Man Being in a relationship with a married man is complicated and lends itself towards much confusion on both parties’ sides. It is certainly not an uncommon situation: over 40% of marriages fail and often the breakup involved a third party. The complications begin with how the affair came about in the first place.
The scenarios…
A married man could actively seek out an affair or it could be something that somehow happens and then they end up in a position where they are confused and unclear. Either way, the relationship has an unnatural tinge to it, mixed up with the dynamic of the man’s marriage and all of the questions around the future.
In some cases the man is very clear about the fact that they only want an affair – whether they state it openly or not. They have no intention whatsoever of leaving their partner. Some men know in their hearts that they will leave their marriage and it is only a matter of time. Others are confused and honestly unsure of what they want.
The state of their marriage…
That very fact that a married person gets involved with you tells you that what is holding the marriage together is not honesty and love. The moment they engage in an affair, it says that something is broken or wrong in the marriage. This married man is caught between the size of these difficulties and their desire and willingness for something different and something new.
These issues impact your relationship with this person and are what make the situation so unnatural and difficult to unravel.
The issue of honesty…
There is a difference between a man who has a one night fling in a drunken blur after a conference and a man who consciously engages in an ongoing relationship outside of their marriage. The former may genuinely have made a mistake and may experience huge remorse and regret; however, the latter simply cannot have as much of a sense of guilt if they engage in an affair deliberately. This person is operating at a deeper level of dishonesty which must be considered.
People like to think that the affair is out of character of the man, but this must be looked at more closely. One needs to assess if this is a person who lies in other areas of their life. Is this a person with a tendency to be dishonest?
Part 1: The Questions of Internet Dating Over the last ten years internet dating has boomed from being on the fringes and a place where nerds and serial killers lurked to a normal and accepted means of connecting and hopefully finding love.
Currently, if you meet a single person in the UK there is a 50/50 chance that they would be using some form of internet dating to meet people. In 2008, over 8 million singles in the UK used the internet to try to find love – among other things.
The difference…
As the internet has become fundamental to our everyday life, it makes sense that it can be used as a tool to connect; however, it is very far removed from the historical forms of finding love. Rather it offers a Tesco-style online ordering of a relationship. This raises certain questions regarding our traditional beliefs and expectations around love.
Does destiny still apply…
Many of us hold romantic ideals of how we could meet a person and fall in love. This is destiny or what is meant to be. These imaginings tend to take place in more normal contexts such as the work environment or friends of friends or just meeting a person out at a pub. However, the internet has now given us a unique opportunity to find people that share interests, hobbies or whatever it is you’re searching for.
This leads to one of the questions that are often on people’s minds: where does destiny come into something like internet dating? Can searching and finding someone online be fate or is it us making it happen?
Is it real?
Is connecting through internet channels natural? Is the relationship that forms real? The internet is a medium that has the potential to cut us off from each other, yet now there are these so-called connections hiding behind emails and chats.
Love across the internet…
Finally, the main question is: Does it work? Can you find love via internet dating? How can you make the most of and get the most from the process?
Human civilisation has always evolved and advanced. In the last century this has accelerated at rate almost beyond comprehension. How we have typically met the opposite sex has also changed and evolved according to the cultural and social norm of the time. Internet dating is yet another level of this process.
