A Formula for Happiness?

Is there such a things as a formula to happiness? There is movement called positive psychology that attempts to answer that question. It works out what you need to do, to be happy. Positive psychology studies not our problems, trauma and wounds, rather the mechanics of what makes us happy and contented. The focus is on how to be happy rather than how not to be sad. I have read a number of books in these areas that I have found both helpful and fascinating. There some links at the bottom of the post to the ones I have read.

Although I liked these books, there is a danger for me, at least when it comes to reading, not just these books but any book on improving oneself. This issue is illustrated a by true story what happened to me last summer. Picture lovely warm summer’s day in Malta. Lucky for me I only live a walk away from the beach. Although I live in the part of the island that has sandy beach, I prefer more secluded rocky part of the coast, that is quieter and nice to swim in. So there I was about to head out to the beach and spotted on our book shelf a book I didn’t realise we had .I has been meaning to order it after reading an article of the author but I just hadn’t got around to .Little did I know my partner Susana had already bought book and had just recently unpacked on our book self. The book is called “Happiness: Lesson in a new science” by Richards Layman .On the front over it has little star that says inside the “ 7 Causes of being happy”. Wow! I thought I will grab the book and was filled with that sense of satisfaction when you find something you really want to read. My morning was now mapped out, have swim, lay out my towel and discover the 7 causes of being happy, hoping of course I immediately cause them there and then.

So far so good, I get to the beach, I have my lovely swim, I lay out my towel, I get out my water, if put on my sunglasses, I pull the book from my back pack and then like a true Frank Spencer , I kind of did this weird losing of balance thing and the book came flying out of my hands .The place I was I actually high up from the sea and the book fell from my hands and into the sea. Too far down and impossible to get to, I just had to watch my book, actually Susana’s book ,float off into the Mediterranean . So the moral of the story ,according to Susana it was to never ever leave the house with book that’s hers. Ok I got that one. Second moral a Freudian slip, accuse the pun, or subconscious message to myself. Maybe I should stop reading, researching, listening and taking in how to be happy, maybe it was time to give being happy ago? Of all the books to plummet in the sea, particularly when I was so looking forward to reading it, one on “How to Happy”. This can’t just a coincidence it’s a sign for sure.

The River of I and the Sea of Us:How I make a difference in the world

Keeping up to date with global news it’s hard not to get cynical and feel anger about how so much injustice goes so on so blatantly. The more you read, the more you know that one way or the other the “bad guys” so to speak, win and go unpunished. Tony Blair’s recent testimony the Chilcot enquiry illustrates this. Blair took the Britain to a war in Iraq that has resulted in the death of over 600,000 Iraqi and over 179 British soldiers all on false information. He recently was asked at the Chilcot inquiry if he had any regrets, he openly stated he has none in front of the families whose children died in this pointless war. You don’t have to be a professor in international law to know that invading a sovereign nation solely because its leader is a “buy guy” is not legitimate. It’s obvious the UK and the US sanction bad guys they like and vilify the ones they don’t .So this chapter of Iraq is just another chapter in the ongoing saga of injustice and brutality that seem common place in our history as people. Now with the media, more than ever we witnesses it, we observe, we watch it. We passively absorb the diluted version via our flat screen TV. I have no doubt ten years from now there will an other war rolled out some other place , inflicting more uncalled for pain and suffering to thousands.

Also just as predictable I will be prattling to my friends or anyone else unlucky enough to have to listen about how immoral these injustices are. Given the chance I will vent my moral and righteous anger on the decimating impact of neo liberalism on the developing economies. Like I am somehow enchanted and hypnotised with the sound of my voice, I will talks for hours to anyone who will listen when it comes to these kinds of topics of conversation. So here I am faced with full awareness of the world and all its injustice, I read the books, I subscribe to the email newsletter, I furrow my brow with moral supremacy at Tony Blair’s arrogance. Yet I am faced with basic and simple question, what can I do to make it better? To right these wrongs,to make a lasting difference to this so called “unjust world”. Well for all my talk it may appear very little. I don’t think I make it massively worse, I am not an arms dealer or I don’t club harp seals. At the end of the day like most people my day ends up being about my day. My life is made of up the things that affect me, my work, my relationship my own day to day drama. my life is dedicated to the fulfilment of responsibilities , my wants and needs. I like most people I am not a statesman making choices that have global ramifications, I am not billionaire philanthropist , whose charities feed and educate the poor. I am phone psychic , living in Malta. My circle of influence and impact on global issues has a very limited and narrow reach, actually limited and narrow is being generous, the truth is there more closer almost nothing.

Transcending feeling negative

I read once that pain in life is unavoidable but suffering is. I interpreted that to mean that suffering is more a mental and emotional attitude to something, whereas pain just is. In my life I have had my fair share of both pain and suffering. Feeling negative seems a natural and normal part of living it would seem, sadness, hurt, despair and despondence all seem to be common experiences for most of us at one time or another. There is a balance on the one hand allowing yourself to feel and experience your pain in a healthy, unrepressed manner, then on the other hand there is the capacity of get entangled, caught and imprisoned by negativity.
How do we know when we positively acknowledging our pain or when we have become victims of self inflicted self pity? For me unless you have reached a certain level of Buddhahood there is a place for pain and suffering. From a theoretical point of view suffering only comes from a conditioned and false set of thinking and reacting, even if that is the case, we have to work with where we are, not where we could or should be.
The first step for this is about being emotionally honest with oneself. Maybe you have been asked “Are you ok?” With either a sad or angry expression reply “I’m fine!” when every inch of your tone and body language says otherwise. We can’t work through or go beyond something we are pretending not even to have, unless we are being truthful towards ourselves.
Our emotions have a reason for being there. They tell a lot about ourselves and where we are at inside ourselves.
So a second step can be to try observe how we feel from a non judging point of view, to be a witness to how we feel rather than a critic. We often have conflict that relates to voices inside our head arguing how we should or shouldn’t feel. This is a big part of how negative feelings take root as we don’t truly allow ourselves the right to have them. This starts at early age when as kids we are told by parents how we should feel as opposed to how actually we feel, this is later re-enforced by our society and culture.
For me I would say the hardest part that I face inside myself when it comes to transcending the negative feelings I have about myself or others, is the ability to view how I’m feeling from a point of compassion and kindness. So I first pretend I don’t have the feelings I have, then if it’s so obvious its undeniable I dismiss these feelings or justify them but what I don’t do is view them from a loving and compassionate perspective. This would be the norm, yet what I can say is I have had times that for whatever reason I have managed to step back, even just a fraction and look at my negative feelings with a feeling of compassion towards myself. When I have done this, these feelings seem to dissolve. It’s like when they have been acknowledged and allowed to be, they seem them to gently and effortlessly dissipate. Not only that but I have been able to see their value and gain some better insight to myself.
The things I have found helpful in eliminating negative feelings is more consistent practice of mediation and prayer, talking openly to others about how I am feeling, spending more time outside in direct contact with nature, how can one feel negative looking at the night sky or a field of wildflowers. Nurture a more loving attitude towards oneself which I genuinely believe is the key to so much of what we need in today’s world. So next time you find yourself in a negative place, try being honest, being open, and most of all be happy.

Crazy monkey on crystal meth and other aspects of my mind :)

A film I would recommend any one to rent on DVD is “The Choir”. It’s a French, feel good film about a caring teacher who starts a choir in a French boarding school for delinquent boys. Throughout the film, the somewhat mean principal ,has a philosophy to discipline that is repeated with gusto “ action, reaction!”Meaning that every naughty deed committed by one of the boys must be responded to, hence “action, reaction”.

In a funny way this a metaphor for how many of us, including myself, deal with life. Stuff happens, then we react. Often the way we react is not conscious, like Pavlov dogs the bells ring and we salivate. We seem programmed to react to certain stimuli in pre-defined way. Not many of us can be on the receiving end of insults and stinging criticism from a person we care about and remain detached and indifferent. We will find those comments hurtful and cutting. We feel justified and warranted in that feeling of being hurt. We could write accurate and long lists formula that say, if A happened I would do this B, if X happen I would probably react with Z.

All this is well and good, but often our reactions do not contribute to the life and relationships we actually want. As an example, someone I care about emotionally distances themselves from me. My reaction is to feel insecure and needy. As they see this reaction they pull away furthering my insecurities. So my reaction has brought the very things I was most afraid of happening. So the question is, how can I react less and respond more? How can I transcend my conditioned reaction and response to feelings, situations and people in way that is more centred, genuine and harmonious.

A start is first just knowing it is possible. One of the most exciting things to understand is our inherent capacity to change and transform. It may not be easy or straightforward but it is definitely possible. So once we know it is possible we then move to the question of how. From my own experience the thing I have found most powerful in limiting my reaction is to become more detached from the part of me that is doing the reacting.

I was speaking to a client the other day about picturing that you have monkey sitting on your shoulder throughout your day. This monkey is demanding, moody, sulking self pitying. It’s like a self-centred ,adolescent, crazy chimp on crystal meth, endlessly barking out should and shouldn’t to you all day. Always wanting more, never happy, never fulfilled, except of course when it gets what it wants, and then it is only ever momentarily This monkey is what is “reacting” part in you.