They don’t return calls, txt, emails and they have totally cut off………What next?

In my readings I come cross situations where a person gets involved with a person who at some point in that involvement that just cuts off. Not in way that  where they are back in touch two weeks later, this is a cutting off as in total “off the radar”,  permanent, no talk, no returning of text or calls, no reply to emails, being delete from facebook, a total and complete shutdown,shut off  and exit from their life.

This often is without explanation or closure. They don’t give a reason as to why they have just decided they never want to talk to you again. As a result you are just left guessing and making wild stabs in the dark. This can be very confusing and conflicting for a person. They may well still holding very strong and intense feelings for that person that they are just left wondering what to do with them. Because the person has cut off hasn’t sat down and told them “um sorry to say that this is our last conversation we are ever going to have, after this I will never to speak to you again or reply to any of your communication , these are my reason why blah blah blah ,so don’t hold out for me or think anything else other than I am out of your life for good, good bye and good luck.

Now that would be a hell of punch in the emotional guts but in reality it would allow the person at a minimum to move on. They know to expect nothing and any attempt to get more than nothing would be meet with nothing as promised. As this type of blunt and forthright statements are rarely made to the person left .So most are left with two difficult questions.

1 Why did they do this?

2. Will they every  be back in touch and if so when?

Although every person and situation is different there are common motivations as to why a person would do this. The first and most obvious is guilt, couple with being a coward .If someone has decided that they no longer want to continue, rather than dragging it out they find it easier to just cut off .They can rationalise this by thinking after a while the other person will get the message. Because they may have made some big emotional promise and possibly fuelled the very feelings they are cutting off from, there strong sense of guilt. Rather than facing the hurt and pain they are part responsible for ,it’s a lot easier to just run away and be a relationship coward .In my opinion there is also an other  more unconscious motive for not giving reasons and no closure.  It allows that person the possibility of re-appearing, if or when they want to. As they have not told the person to move on and let go, it becomes subtle way of leaving slight backdoor open to return.

Painful events always happen for a reason…um accept when they happen to me

Often in my readings I share with people the value of seeing the meaning and purpose in all of how life unfolds. I tell them when there in a painful scenario, that everything happens for a reason and nothing is by chance and nothing is inherently negative, challenging yes but negative no. This perspective is nothing new and has been repeated and phrased differently by many people, over many centuries. For me it’s a view that makes sense and can really help people gain perspective when we come up against difficult times.

Though I truly believe in the meaning of all things, it is something that is certainly easier said than done. The challenge of truly integrating this outlook I have lately felt in my own life. Recently I have ended up entangled in situation that has been very stressful, disconcerting and difficult to get my head around and make peace with. It has involved  the buying of property and the work involved taking from a empty plot of land into a liveable house. It’s a horrible feeling to know you have shafted while at the same time you know there is nothing on practical level you can do about it. What can then make it even worse is looking back and being honest about that fact that I put myself exactly where I am, maybe through unfounded trust, gullibility and lack of thoroughness in investigating what I was getting into but none the less it arose from choices I made. Then on top of all that I am aware that it hasn’t been the first time I have ended up on the raw end of a deal. As I you thought I had  learnt my lesson only that I obviously haven’t

The bottom line is according to my own perspective that  I espouse to my clients ,my own tough situation has happened for a reason, something good will come of it and the best thing I can do is accept it with a loving detachment. Umm I think…do I really say that to people? Umm this is not easy ,feeling so wronged and then asking of myself to see it as so right. As I can’t get it out of my head how this has set me back,I can’t seem to let go of the anger of feel toward myself , the supposed victim and them the supposed  villains .I have imaginary conversation and confrontations putting  it all right and getting justice, even though I know this will never happen. Up to now the only measurable outcome of what I have been going through is stress and struggle.

Do Nothing! A new way of dealing with a man who has commitment phobia.

It’s a theme that I discuss regularly on this blog but its theme that I deal with regularly in my readings, it’s the issue of    acceptance. On one hand it’s a simple and straight forward principle to practice , on the other hand it seems to grate and push against our instincts and drives. When faced with a scenario where someone is not feeling the way we want them to feel, we have hard time just accepting that this is the way they feel. We link accepting  this with giving up and defeat. We then get caught in polarity that either I am pushing and striving to make the relationship better, or I depressingly throw in the towel and walk away.  Yet often we fail to see that our “pushing” and “wanting” for that person to be different, could be a contributing factor that keeps them in the place where we don’t want them to be.

Acceptance is not about defeat, acceptance is solely about acceptance .If a person say, is unwilling to commit, they say upfront that they don’t want too much involvement. Acceptance is just respecting that person’s right to feel that way . Acceptance is practicing not fighting and struggling to get what you want, by trying to change the way another person feels. It can be tough and quite confronting, as our mind if often scheming and plotting to somehow, in some way, get what it wants. This could be more love, more commitment, more time, more contact, less distance, more communication, the list goes on .As we hold an idea in our mind of how we want that person to be and subtlety are pushing them into that place .We think if only they could commit and feel they way I want them to feel then everything would be ok.

The tricky part with acceptance may have to face the fact that the person we want to be a certain way, just isn’t that way. That doesn’t mean we have to water down the things we are desserving of, rather we just fully accept that this person is unwilling or unable to give us what we want at this moment. Choosing to continue with that person is then our choice, a choice we make with a honest understanding of where they are and want their willing to give .If someone decides to continue , whilst just accepting other person commits fears, they then may struggle with the feeling like the other person is now just getting things their way. It may feel like the relationship is now just shaped around their preferences and inability to commit .Yet the reality is, if they are unwilling to give more and really do only want something on their terms, then acceptance takes us away from the hope of a more commitment in the future that allows us to avoid the present.

How Easter can help us let go of relationship pain and start anew.

Easter is here again .I have the important duty of working out where to hide my children’s Easter eggs .Being three and four years  old girls, they have to be hidden well enough for them to have fun but not too hard that they end up crying because they can’t find any(I have to make sure I remember to ,so one melted egg does show up three months from now) .As I walked through the  supermarket  looking for my essential  chocolate  mini-eggs I was surrounded by rows and rows of chocolate themed eggs . Easter is here and there no getting away from it, literally!  Malta ,the island I live in strange mix of overt  and celebrated Catholicism and stock standard  chocolate coated consumerism of modern Easter. Although I am no longer a practicing Christian, for myself there is powerful symbolism  surrounding Easter and central religious focus of the death of Jesus Christ  ,his pain, his betrayal, his death and the his eventual  resurrection. To me the ritual of Easter  possibly has more relevance and bearing to our own lives than we may think.

The story of Christ’s death and resurrection  tells us that even in the darkest and most difficult times, when we feel the most forsaken and alone , out of this pain there is the hope of renewal, re-birth and new beginnings. When we are in the midst of this hurting it can  be easy to forget this fact. There comes a point where we just don’t see the light, we  are  enmeshed with   our troubles  that is hard to see or understand the wider more meaningful narrative that we are part of. Yet in the same way our happy moments pass, so do our bad ones. The pain can often be prolonged not by the problem or event that started it, but rather through our unwillingness to truly let go and surrender our want for things to be different to what they where or are.

The difficult part is some feelings we can’t “partially”  let go of. Christ didn’t just partially suffer , he died on the cross .His rebirth  and accent into heaven could only occur once that death had taken place. Often in life we are faced with these realities, where the only way to truly have fresh start is to sincerely let go and die to what we are holding on to. Do this we must be willing to surrender our wilfulness, our need for an expected outcome and start trusting in the unseen forces that take hold once we hand over our pain over.

Can our dreams be a window into life after death?

It is tricky process in life to understand and know the difference between knowing something to be true and believe in the possibility of its truth. This is particularly so when comes to grey and subjective areas of consciousness and reality , life and death. We have feelings and inkling based on our experiences and what we have been taught and learnt. We work to make sense of the world and our life’s by piecing together these fragments of insights to build a graspable and some kind of meaningfulness picture of the life we occupy. Yet no matter how convincing our convictions maybe regarding the nature of reality we are always limited and defined by the apparatus which does the adding up ,namely ourselves. Like the eye seeing the eye, we can only see ourselves through ourselves, creating an inbuilt and inarguable bias. Even if our views our reinforced via a mass consensus , it does not prove it’s truth, as the 18 million people  in Europe during the 14^th century   discovered when the world turned out “not” to be flat.

All this brings me to this basic question regarding the truth of my own intuitions.  Some basics in life I don’t question, the fact I love my partner and kids, the fact I like and dislike certain things .These truths seem self evident and don’t even warrant questioning in the first place. Yet there are other that do, other questions that I find very difficult to conclusively answer . That’s the funny thing with my mind, instead of just accepting the fact I may well never really know something’s, such what happens when we die, instead my mind grapples and wrestles , questions and probes. As I discuss these things with my family and partner, there is a prevailing view that I think too much, not only that, but the stuff I think about is redundant and unanswerable .In addition they point out that I am wasting what I have of life, being pr-occupied with “after-life”, as its an outcomes I can’t alter or change, in a future that has yet to occur, in short wasting life with pointless questions

These conclusions are hard to argue against, as its true , no matter what think about life after death , it will be what it is and no matter how much I query and think , none of my ruminations will make an iota of difference in the reality of my death.  Yet even knowing the incontrovertible truth of this logic, these questions still persist and bother me. As all actions, thoughts and events crescendo towards this outcomes of all outcomes. Like rip on the shore of the beach, it pulls us nearer and nearer as are struggles to avoid it are to no avail ,as there is no escape and no getting away from with it.

Book Review: I Can See Clearly Now: How Synchronicity Illuminates Our Lives

I will be trying to put up more links to books , movies and inspiration people that I really like .Here is a book about synchronicity  and coincidence. It’s a really well written and inspirational book. As well as explaining what synchronicity is and how it works, she gives practical tips and insights in how to see it and apply in one’s own life. Although I can’t say I am big into the Angel side of things I still would really recommend it.  It has 22 five star reviews I think for good reason.

Here is the Amazon description..

When Mary Soliel woke up to the reality of synchronicity, she realized we are all constantly graced with meaningful signs, not mere coincidences, through our relationships, nature, numbers, events—basically all things this world is made up of. In I Can See Clearly Now, she shares her twelve-year spiritual odyssey that began with an awareness of these mysterious forces that guide, validate, and help us live our lives.

You’ll be amazed by her many stories of nearly unbelievable occurrences of perfectly timed, exquisite signs, including those that miraculously and repetitively delivered a monumental message of hope for our future. I Can See Clearly Now will help you: • Recognize the synchronicities that bless your life. • Decide for yourself whether ours is a random or deliberate Universe. • Tap into your intuition to decipher meanings of synchronicities and become a conscious creator. • Know that your angels want you to call on them for help and guidance. • Create miracles through gratitude, unconditional love, and forgiveness. • Release negative self-thoughts that run your life, learn how to heal yourself, and recreate by “choosing again.”

Link to the book

http://www.amazon.com/Can-See-Clearly-Now-Synchronicity/dp/0595458602/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

Here is a link to her web site.Has some great resources

http://marysoliel.com/

Dealing with Distance: What to do when someone you care about cuts off all contact.

If there one topic or issue that would be a reoccurring theme within my readings it would the issue of dealing with someone close cutting off or pulling away to the extent all communication has come to a halt. The person is often left with questions, concerns and general feeling of things being “unfinished”. Afterwards they then wonder if there holding on is based on  an intuition or some massive denial disguised as an ongoing connection. The problem is there is not a formula or general rule to apply to these situations. Each scenario is unique and particular to the two people involved.  Often the non-communication ends and things start back up again, other times it really is the finally curtain call for the relationship. Trying to know which one you’re in is often the purpose of people having a psychic reading. As their knife-like silence and absence creates a deep anxiety and fretful feeling that gnaws away at the person stomach. They know that to keep texting my make them look like a stalker which they don’t want to be perceived as  and they may have even suffered the modern  “slap-down” of a Facebook friend delete, which just furthers the panic. All this creates a heightened  sense of having no control over the outcome. We are not willing or wanting to let go but the other hand person has decide for now, they do. So what do you do? Is there any secret psychic trick that can get them to txt and get back in touch? The good news is there are things you can do to help you feel better and move forward. Bad news is there is no tricks and secret to get them to do anything, in that regards that silly annoying thing of peoples personal free will keeps getting in the way So for now it’s best to just stick with working on oneself as the most effective solution.

Getting in the right place

First thing I would try become aware of is that if there is any emotional state  you can move into that  may help compel them to re-communicate, it is less likely to be when you are feeling insecure, needy, desperate or any of those type of feelings. Let’s face it, when any of us feels those type of feelings from someone our basic gut reaction is pull away. If they are have already pulled back, dumping your insecurities in their direction will probably ensure more and more distance between the two of you. The hard part about not feeling so insecure, is the very act of someone we care about pulling away naturally invokes an insecure feelings. We are left with an emotional vacuum that their distance has now created , which is not easy to be indifferent to. The key here to not allowing the insecurity to spill over is to really try understand its root cause. It may seem to be about the other person but in truth whatever we feeling starts someplace inside ourselves .When someone cuts off we are bound to feel rejected .This can bring up feelings of low self worth and feelings of not being lovable .Even though we know they have pulled away for their own reasons we still personalising and think they on some level there is something wrong with us that has forced them away .If we really believe that is the truth, then it make sense we want to fix it on some level ,as we are attributing their distance to being our fault. What you may find helpful is to really start working on affirming to yourself how valued and worthy you really are,independent of what they do.As you sit with the feeling of being at peace with yourself you will find that the urge or intensity of wanting to communicate, or needing them to communicate will lift. Maybe not totally but enough for you to feel it’s made a difference As some of what you feel is your genuine desire to be back in touch but a large part of what going on is how insecure their distance has suddenly made you feel. By reminding yourself that you have no reason to feel insecure and you are whole and worthy ,will  help shift something in yourself focus wise .As the very act  concentrating first on your self worth  moves the focus away from them to you.

The Power of Gratitude: Practising being happy with what you have

I think that’s the wonderful and lateral nature of how we progress and understand things as people. We potter along seemingly getting nowhere, maybe even feeling stuck, then all of sudden there comes this breakthrough or flash of understanding. One of the things I have been feeling lately is my appreciation of what is in front of me, the immense value of all I have this very moment.  As to be content with were we are and what we have runs contrary to the emphasis society places on getting more, having more and being more. Now some of that is just the nature of capitalism and consumer society .Our western society is structured in a way that permits us to be bombard advertisements telling us what we need and why we need it. It’s common knowledge large corporations pay highly qualified psychologist and persuasion experts to tap into our most basic unconscious buttons of greed, fear, security or status. In addition to these social forces compelling to “do more” or to  “get more”, there our own human nature of desire. To start  with our basic desires for food, sex and security unpin many actions each and every day. Layered on top of that are more subtle drives for control and approval .All these drives them have various means of how they express or manifest in our lives. Yet the interesting thing is after our basic survival needs are meet, it’s seem when we fulfill each of whatever it is we want, very soon after another “want” emerges. Although our desire to improve our lives has lead to wonderful discoveries and inventions that have elevated our quality of living, it would seem on an emotional level we are no more or less happy as a civilisation now as we were 3000 years ago . It would seem the human condition has remain somewhat unevolved as we see the same mythical Greek drama involving, war, lust, betray  and cruelty been re-enacted  each night on the six o’clock news.

The endless to-do list…

Part of the lack emotional evolution seem to connected the belief that true happiness lies within getting what we want.    Although I don’t think we can switch of the desire button and although there some benefits of being driven it is not the only way to approach being happy. It is also liberating thing to feel  that everything I need to be happy I have it in front of me. That no matter if  I “do” or “do not”  get the things I want, it won’t determine or be the ultimate measure of my contentment. Thinking I have everything I need already is not the natural way to think, as most days of moments are spent working out how I am going to get what I want. The function of all these desires we tell ourselves is satisfaction or contentment. The problem arises is when we finally get it, more often or not the need for  more of whatever it is, better stuff , more of it all comes up and we are back were we started .The Buddhist call it the “hungry ghost” another term for it is the “hole in the soul”. It’s the endless “to do list” of achieving happiness, that no matter how many items I tick off new ones inevitability appear that now need to pursued and attained.

The best course and material on dreams and dreaming I have come across.

I recently came across a link to this course http://www.youtube.com/stephenberlin when I was reading through a dream forum .I have read bits and pieces in the past about lucid dreaming but didn’t really know too much about it. Stephen Berlin has put together a series of 11 lessons or sessions about lucid dreaming the nature and function of dreams. Stephen demonstrates a huge knowledge and insight in why we dream and how our dream can better help us understanding ourselves and you place in the universe. To be honest after listen to the first one I was hooked and spend the next 110 minutes glued to my PC .In my experience a lot of the stuff out there about dreams seem either airy fairy or just plain bizarre .This course feels grounded but the same time will inspire you to approach your dream with sense of adventure and opportunity. Other then the Byron Katie stuff online there isn’t that much I have recommend on my blog but after doing this course I really felt like this was something I was wanted to get out there and promote due to the quality and integrity of the content .Although I think this would well be worth paying for the author has made using the course free, of which he leads into with a great quote from U.G Kristumurti .Anyway go have look and let me you what you think J

No will power required- Finding a new way to achieve this new year’s goals and resolutions

The New Year is a traditional time of making resolutions and commitments to things we would like to achieve. Most of us in the past have made lists of resolutions, be it to give up smoking, lose weight or find new love. Of course we start off with some initial surge of enthusiasm and determination, then the days and weeks pass the commitment wears thin and often the underlying issues that created the initial obstacles reveal themselves and draw us back into our old habits. Of course, there are some people who succeed. These lucky few posses an iron will, who when needed, can commit to whatever they want and get the job done.

Given the amount of people in the Western world who are trapped in one form of addiction or another, from alcohol, illegal and legal drugs, coffee, sugar, sex, TV, video games, fitness, work or any other of the numerous things that we can be addicted to. This of course isn’t even talking about the less obvious or less measurable addictions, such as thoughts and feelings that many people could be deemed addicted to. All this it would seem to indicate that the “iron will” it not something the vast majority of us possess.  We have a picture of a society made of individuals who struggle to change and transform into who they want to be.

If each person in the UK had to make a list of things they wanted to change about themselves, I would guess it would be largely made of things they would like to “stop doing”, habits to kick, and patterns to dissolve. We now have thousands of industries, products and services all assuring and promising the fulfilment of these wishes. The most obvious example is the weight loss industry; figures show in the USA alone in 2006 55 billon dollars was spent on weight loss. With this huge investment people are making the results are astounding, surprise surprise, obesity in the USA is on the rise and predicted to be the main cause of death in the next fifty years. Each person of course wants to be believe, and is told to believe that even though diets do not work for most (95% the figures show long term) they will be different, their pride and fear drives them to invest in a system that has a history of failure. If it was a medicine that you were told would cost you $100 but only ever worked on 5% of the people would you buy it? The clincher and the hook the weight loss industry has is the success of the program, diet or whatever is being sold depends on the will power of the person. If you are strong enough, disciplined enough then it can work. What people fail to see metaphorically speaking, the company who owns the diet shop also owns the sweet shop across the street. Each desire is being played off each other.