Archive for the ‘Personal Growth’ Category
What you want to know Vs What you need to know.
Breaking the illusion that “will it” or “won’t it” type answers is what you really need to know..
Doing psychic readings you come across and cover very common and consistent themes .One of these is a person wanting to know if what they are feeling about a person or potential future, is based on some intuitive feeling and sense, or is it plain old ability to let go that projects itself as wishful thinking?
A situation that often bring up this dilemma would be when a relationship has ended and the person having the readings wants to know if they will be back together or not. They may feel in their hearts that is truly “isn’t over” but know enough to know their own mind and feelings are clouded there history and attachment .So they call their trusty psychic, that in theory is meant to deliver the punishing verdict “get over them” or inspiring validation that “yes they will return” .
Yet the process of how this answer is given and why the insight of the psychic is valid doesn’t get too much attention. People anxiety demand an answer that fits either one of two choices, being a yes they will no they won’t type thing. Yet this binary or dualistic thinking in of itself can misleading and unhelpful .Our school system teaches us from early age something we carry into adult life which is when it comes to solving problems to think in terms of right or wrong. We learn that questions have either yes or no answer, right or wrong outcomes, which in maths and many sciences is perfectly correct but in the area of human relationship and development maybe not so. The reason binary problem solving is limited is that when it comes to how we feel, there isn’t a fixed, permanent ,unwavering position to determine that remains locked absolutely one way or another. Often are feeling are conflicted and confusing. Maybe one part of is happy and relieved to be way from the relationship , an other parts feels we are running away and truly miss that person. Either of these feelings could be then heightened or diminished by the feedback our internal and external environments we reside bring to us
So it can end up being a case that maybe one part of someone’s thinking is pure fantasy and an other part they is genuinely some knowing regarding the potential of a relationship. This means both future of YES and No both co-exist, like a of Schoenberg cat paradox relationship. Schoenberg a famous quantum physicist created a thought experiment centred around the perplexing reality of how light could be both a wave or a particle, depending on how it was measured. The experiment goes they shoot of some light int the box that a cat in enclosed in. If they decide to measure it as wave, poison is realised and the cat dies, if they decide to measure it as particle, no poison is released and the cat lives. So in theory, the event you might say has already happen, but the result are determined by how they choose to measure it, therefore before they decide, the cat is both alive and dead .Click here for actually proper explanation of this. Yet the basic process can exist in relationships, that potential for two or many outcomes may simultaneous exist all together. Which outcome is the one we end up living, then ends up a mix of fate and choice.
There are fundamental needs and drives that compel most humans. These are broader and basic drives then many aspects of our relationships and psychical environment are often shaped around. I would consider these following the most fundamental
1. The need to feel secure
2. The need to feel in control
3. The need to feel special/separate
4. The need to feel connection.
This isn’t an official list, rather just what comes to mind when break down other more detailed or nuanced needs, then general end up following back on one or a combination of the four mentioned above. For example the need for close friends can be seen to be an expression of the need for connection and security. Telling your teenage daughter what time they are expected home by may come from a need to feel in control. Letting all your friends know about your big promotion may come from the need to feel special and different from others. So all of us in way or the other over the course of a day expend energy and time on getting these needs meet .Even those who spend the whole day focused on fulfilling someone else’s needs, can still be tied into their need to feel secure.
Its not hard to observe the vast different in others.in the very same way each of us is unique in our psychical characteristic, our emotional behaviour has its own unique configuration as well. We come into this world with you might say core template that is then shaped and influence by our environment and spontaneous mix of nature and nurture. So as babies we have very core drives at work, the drive for security and the drive for connection. Each time a babies cries in hunger and is then fed lovingly by the mother, there is an attachment loop being re-enforced .It brain is being hardwired to feel that it needs are being meet, which allows them to feel secure and safe .Criminologist have now conclude that the majority of violent crimes occur with people that didn’t get that feeling of being attached and being secure during their infant and childhood years. There is now and immense amount of studies and data that show how fundamental attachment during childhood is to the way we live our adult lives .As it’s in these years, we are taught and programed how to see the world, our relationship and most critically where we see ourselves in all of it. This conditioning literally hardwires the brains neurologically pathways that transcend our normal conscious thoughts, which you might say get layered on over these basic patterns. This is why many people feel at times baffled about why they keep making the same mistake or keep choosing the wrong guy, unaware we are acting out an unconscious method that aims at fulfilling a deeper need. . The problem is they needs and the methods we go about having them fulfilled may run contrary to your thinking mind wants for itself. As choosing a person that ends up rejecting us maybe rerun of some part of childhood where we were taught that being rejected is what happens when we reach out for our need of connection. That we found a kind of security and anchor when we play the role of being rejected. Although this is a little simplistic it just illustrates how we can do one thing in our conscious mind but are actual truly being govern by our sub-conscious training regarding he best way to get our needs meet. As we can’t escape our the compelling drive behind having our needs meet, no more than we can supress or ignore our need for food and water. So if we just assume this drive for having a needs meet is happening one way or an other, the question then is about our we having these need meet in a way that is honest, healthy and fulfilling. To answer that we then need to really open a door to self-discovery.
There I am sure some pretty basic ways we own how we get our needs meet Maybe we are quite conscious about the fact we crave approval and compliments with the awareness that receiving this type of positive attention makes us feel secure. Its here we have an opportunity at first to just understand and take ownership of the fact this is exactly what we do and why we do it. Second, we can then ask the question “Is this an effective way to feel secure? Are the other way to feel secure that don’t rely on getting constant positive feedback?” There is nothing wrong with posgtive feedback and praise but when it becomes a way to fulfil a basic need then get a disproportionate place in our mind and feelings. What we wear, how we look, the status we hold, the money we earn, the people we mix with, the views we hold, the newspaper we read, the study we have done all of these and more can be shaped and sold in a way solely about getting people to approve of us and compliment us. We can invest huge chunks or our time and attention in a method of feeling secure that at its heart can only ever briefly and fleetingly meet that need. As the act we think we need to promote or get others to see to get the attention we are looking for will never get a day off .The very nature of how this need is fulfilled require the same a amount of water it takes to fifll a bucket with a hole. As being admired or told we are wonderful never really gives us deep and peaceful sense of being secure, we have to keep investing, keep trying over and over, deluding ourselves that we a bit more effort we can get there. All of us have our own version of this circular and delude method of getting our needs meet. Maybe for us its about having control over others, or being a people pleaser , what it is doesn’t matter as such, rather it’s a question of is this the best way to get this certain need meet.
As looking at the example above we start to see that maybe for this person the feeling of being worth and whole being understood as innate attribute that isn’t earns or acquired , could bring them the sense of security that really does feel peaceful and maintainable. So with the same energy that put into getting other to think they are great, is instead redirected to learning how to feel that wholeness, what blocks them from that and how can they practise and integrate this into there every day lives .This is like plugging the hole and actually for once filling up the bucket.T his is replacing a tired and ceaseless struggle that never quite get there with an simple ,long-lasting and authentic way to really feel secure and really have that need meet.
This is the one thing I am starting to learn when it comes to personal growth and becoming happier in my life is it is not about new things I need to know or do, rather it’s about unlearning what I already know .I think in most of us have that innate ,kind and contented part of us. It resides deep with our minds and there times we get glimpses but we refuse to question that part of that thinks it knows better, that is convinced this time will be different .Our ego are very cunning when it comes to doing everything possible to change except the most obvious and straightforward things. So to begin with there is a level of humility and openness required. There is also a weariness required with the ways we employ not working. Its takes many, many experiences that end in things not being where we want them, happening over and over again until we final sit up and thinking that maybe there is something inside of ourselves that need to be look at. So with that humility, openness we can explore how our needs are meet and bring our focus to unlearning what once may have work and allowing our own natural and connected to self to come through.
Psychic Medium Ewan Nicholson explores how facing the things we hide in our “shadow self” ,can enable us to find more peace in our lives.
The idea of facing our shadow self sounds scary. Yet the process of facing our shadow self is fundamental in terms of living a relaxed and contented life. What is the shadow self? According to Wikipedia the Jungian definition of the Shadow is both
(1) The entirety of the unconscious, i.e., everything of which a person is not fully conscious
(2) An unconscious aspect of the personality which the conscious ego does not recognize in itself. Because one tends to reject or remain ignorant of the least desirable aspects of one’s personality, the shadow is largely negative. There are, however, positive aspects which may also remain hidden in one’s shadow (especially in people with low self-esteem)
Running parallel to the development of our shadow, we also build defences and walls to protect others from seeing our shadow self, as the fear built deep within our psyche is “if I expose of all my bad qualities it will result in not being loved.” Yet in the end the person we hide this part from is actually ourselves. Through denial, suppression, distraction and avoidance, we can go as far as shaping our whole lives around not looking at this part of who we are.
Hiding what we don’t like.
The process of how it develops is an inevitable evolution of knowing how we learn to integrate and live harmoniously in our environment. There are some emotions and feelings that are necessary to temper or hold back. So if we are told from very early age that “anger” is not acceptable and we are punished for it or feel intense disapproval as result of expressing anger we gradually place it in our shadow. As we have progressively associated being angry with not being loved, we filter this emotion out or certainly limit its appearance. Yet anger does have a healthy aspect of defining boundaries and sticking up for what we want and what we deserve. In holding back our anger we may hold back our confidence. An other example is our sexuality. This huge aspect of ourselves can often be assigned to our shadow self. In our culture, society, religion and often families there can be very fixed beliefs about sexuality being tied into morality and character. Feelings that may be very natural and healthy may be labelled sinful, depraved and morally repugnant. Yet the banishing of these feelings to our shadow self does not make them go away. They sit within our shadow self, repressed and festering, looking for an outlet but confined by rigid belief systems. As you often see these famous Christian evangelical preachers who condemn homosexuality publicly but end up getting exposed in some lurid , debauched gay orgy .It seems the deeper the feelings are suppressed, the more extreme the outing of those feeling are. Like a sexual pressure cooker that just explodes.
Psychic Medium Ewan Nicholson explores what formula, if any, is there to finding a loving and fulfilling relationship and how psychic readings may help someone get there.
Throughout my time as a professional psychic, my work has ended up being about helping people through common themes. The most frequent area of life I deal with is romantic relationships.Time and time again clients come up against genuinely stressful and disappointing scenarios in the course of trying to find happiness in there love life. From being involved with a person who can’t commit, to being single and struggling to meet someone special , to falling in love with a married person, to breaking up with a person who you yearn to be together again .All these situations are unique but they also share common characteristics and invoke common feelings and thoughts. What is great about the similarities we share with others, is our common problems provides with the opportunity for a common solution.
I truly believe, that each person has the ability to create and attract relationships into their life which are secure, fulfilling and beneficial. Our desire for closeness is healthy and it is often our close relationship that provide us with the meaning and depth each us yearn for in life. Closeness also brings colour and vibrancy into our lives ,which can be well needed when we are immerse in a society that is often automated and impersonal .Yet when you have genuinely endeavoured to find that closeness and repeatedly fail to do so over a period of years, it is easy to start to doubt the legitimacy of that need . What we once would have deemed cynical and pessimistic we now call this thinking as being “realistic”. We may find ourselves vacillating from somewhat depressed “can’t be bother” which after period of time our need for closeness and connection prompts to make and “effort” in which we venture out with all our past hurts and fears. Wary that if history repeats itself it gets harder and harder to keep trying but the longer we go without the love we are seeking more we may yearn for that closeness and connection. So we are faced with conundrum “I want a close relationship but I don’t want to set myself to feel disappointed and let down”
I find it a great honour to able to support and guide people towards a place where they are able to find that love and peace within themselves and their relationships .In my personal and professional experience, I have no doubt that the fastest way through a problem is to be able to ask for help and support. Although in the end we all have to take responsibility for our life and choices, knowing we are not alone in our issues and that others do care about our well-being, makes the whole process a lot more easier and lot less tiring. It also encouraging knowing other have been where we are and they managed to find a way forward ,into more loving and rewarding relationships.
In my readings I come cross situations where a person gets involved with a person who at some point in that involvement that just cuts off. Not in way that where they are back in touch two weeks later, this is a cutting off as in total “off the radar”, permanent, no talk, no returning of text or calls, no reply to emails, being delete from facebook, a total and complete shutdown,shut off and exit from their life.
This often is without explanation or closure. They don’t give a reason as to why they have just decided they never want to talk to you again. As a result you are just left guessing and making wild stabs in the dark. This can be very confusing and conflicting for a person. They may well still holding very strong and intense feelings for that person that they are just left wondering what to do with them. Because the person has cut off hasn’t sat down and told them “um sorry to say that this is our last conversation we are ever going to have, after this I will never to speak to you again or reply to any of your communication , these are my reason why blah blah blah ,so don’t hold out for me or think anything else other than I am out of your life for good, good bye and good luck.
Now that would be a hell of punch in the emotional guts but in reality it would allow the person at a minimum to move on. They know to expect nothing and any attempt to get more than nothing would be meet with nothing as promised. As this type of blunt and forthright statements are rarely made to the person left .So most are left with two difficult questions.
1 Why did they do this?
2. Will they every be back in touch and if so when?
Although every person and situation is different there are common motivations as to why a person would do this. The first and most obvious is guilt, couple with being a coward .If someone has decided that they no longer want to continue, rather than dragging it out they find it easier to just cut off .They can rationalise this by thinking after a while the other person will get the message. Because they may have made some big emotional promise and possibly fuelled the very feelings they are cutting off from, there strong sense of guilt. Rather than facing the hurt and pain they are part responsible for ,it’s a lot easier to just run away and be a relationship coward .In my opinion there is also an other more unconscious motive for not giving reasons and no closure. It allows that person the possibility of re-appearing, if or when they want to. As they have not told the person to move on and let go, it becomes subtle way of leaving slight backdoor open to return.
Often in my readings I share with people the value of seeing the meaning and purpose in all of how life unfolds. I tell them when there in a painful scenario, that everything happens for a reason and nothing is by chance and nothing is inherently negative, challenging yes but negative no. This perspective is nothing new and has been repeated and phrased differently by many people, over many centuries. For me it’s a view that makes sense and can really help people gain perspective when we come up against difficult times.
Though I truly believe in the meaning of all things, it is something that is certainly easier said than done. The challenge of truly integrating this outlook I have lately felt in my own life. Recently I have ended up entangled in situation that has been very stressful, disconcerting and difficult to get my head around and make peace with. It has involved the buying of property and the work involved taking from a empty plot of land into a liveable house. It’s a horrible feeling to know you have shafted while at the same time you know there is nothing on practical level you can do about it. What can then make it even worse is looking back and being honest about that fact that I put myself exactly where I am, maybe through unfounded trust, gullibility and lack of thoroughness in investigating what I was getting into but none the less it arose from choices I made. Then on top of all that I am aware that it hasn’t been the first time I have ended up on the raw end of a deal. As I you thought I had learnt my lesson only that I obviously haven’t
The bottom line is according to my own perspective that I espouse to my clients ,my own tough situation has happened for a reason, something good will come of it and the best thing I can do is accept it with a loving detachment. Umm I think…do I really say that to people? Umm this is not easy ,feeling so wronged and then asking of myself to see it as so right. As I can’t get it out of my head how this has set me back,I can’t seem to let go of the anger of feel toward myself , the supposed victim and them the supposed villains .I have imaginary conversation and confrontations putting it all right and getting justice, even though I know this will never happen. Up to now the only measurable outcome of what I have been going through is stress and struggle.
It’s a theme that I discuss regularly on this blog but its theme that I deal with regularly in my readings, it’s the issue of acceptance. On one hand it’s a simple and straight forward principle to practice , on the other hand it seems to grate and push against our instincts and drives. When faced with a scenario where someone is not feeling the way we want them to feel, we have hard time just accepting that this is the way they feel. We link accepting this with giving up and defeat. We then get caught in polarity that either I am pushing and striving to make the relationship better, or I depressingly throw in the towel and walk away. Yet often we fail to see that our “pushing” and “wanting” for that person to be different, could be a contributing factor that keeps them in the place where we don’t want them to be.
Acceptance is not about defeat, acceptance is solely about acceptance .If a person say, is unwilling to commit, they say upfront that they don’t want too much involvement. Acceptance is just respecting that person’s right to feel that way . Acceptance is practicing not fighting and struggling to get what you want, by trying to change the way another person feels. It can be tough and quite confronting, as our mind if often scheming and plotting to somehow, in some way, get what it wants. This could be more love, more commitment, more time, more contact, less distance, more communication, the list goes on .As we hold an idea in our mind of how we want that person to be and subtlety are pushing them into that place .We think if only they could commit and feel they way I want them to feel then everything would be ok.
The tricky part with acceptance may have to face the fact that the person we want to be a certain way, just isn’t that way. That doesn’t mean we have to water down the things we are desserving of, rather we just fully accept that this person is unwilling or unable to give us what we want at this moment. Choosing to continue with that person is then our choice, a choice we make with a honest understanding of where they are and want their willing to give .If someone decides to continue , whilst just accepting other person commits fears, they then may struggle with the feeling like the other person is now just getting things their way. It may feel like the relationship is now just shaped around their preferences and inability to commit .Yet the reality is, if they are unwilling to give more and really do only want something on their terms, then acceptance takes us away from the hope of a more commitment in the future that allows us to avoid the present.
Easter is here again .I have the important duty of working out where to hide my children’s Easter eggs .Being three and four years old girls, they have to be hidden well enough for them to have fun but not too hard that they end up crying because they can’t find any(I have to make sure I remember to ,so one melted egg does show up three months from now) .As I walked through the supermarket looking for my essential chocolate mini-eggs I was surrounded by rows and rows of chocolate themed eggs . Easter is here and there no getting away from it, literally! Malta ,the island I live in strange mix of overt and celebrated Catholicism and stock standard chocolate coated consumerism of modern Easter. Although I am no longer a practicing Christian, for myself there is powerful symbolism surrounding Easter and central religious focus of the death of Jesus Christ ,his pain, his betrayal, his death and the his eventual resurrection. To me the ritual of Easter possibly has more relevance and bearing to our own lives than we may think.
The story of Christ’s death and resurrection tells us that even in the darkest and most difficult times, when we feel the most forsaken and alone , out of this pain there is the hope of renewal, re-birth and new beginnings. When we are in the midst of this hurting it can be easy to forget this fact. There comes a point where we just don’t see the light, we are enmeshed with our troubles that is hard to see or understand the wider more meaningful narrative that we are part of. Yet in the same way our happy moments pass, so do our bad ones. The pain can often be prolonged not by the problem or event that started it, but rather through our unwillingness to truly let go and surrender our want for things to be different to what they where or are.
The difficult part is some feelings we can’t “partially” let go of. Christ didn’t just partially suffer , he died on the cross .His rebirth and accent into heaven could only occur once that death had taken place. Often in life we are faced with these realities, where the only way to truly have fresh start is to sincerely let go and die to what we are holding on to. Do this we must be willing to surrender our wilfulness, our need for an expected outcome and start trusting in the unseen forces that take hold once we hand over our pain over.
It is tricky process in life to understand and know the difference between knowing something to be true and believe in the possibility of its truth. This is particularly so when comes to grey and subjective areas of consciousness and reality , life and death. We have feelings and inkling based on our experiences and what we have been taught and learnt. We work to make sense of the world and our life’s by piecing together these fragments of insights to build a graspable and some kind of meaningfulness picture of the life we occupy. Yet no matter how convincing our convictions maybe regarding the nature of reality we are always limited and defined by the apparatus which does the adding up ,namely ourselves. Like the eye seeing the eye, we can only see ourselves through ourselves, creating an inbuilt and inarguable bias. Even if our views our reinforced via a mass consensus , it does not prove it’s truth, as the 18 million people in Europe during the 14th century discovered when the world turned out “not” to be flat.
All this brings me to this basic question regarding the truth of my own intuitions. Some basics in life I don’t question, the fact I love my partner and kids, the fact I like and dislike certain things .These truths seem self evident and don’t even warrant questioning in the first place. Yet there are other that do, other questions that I find very difficult to conclusively answer . That’s the funny thing with my mind, instead of just accepting the fact I may well never really know something’s, such what happens when we die, instead my mind grapples and wrestles , questions and probes. As I discuss these things with my family and partner, there is a prevailing view that I think too much, not only that, but the stuff I think about is redundant and unanswerable .In addition they point out that I am wasting what I have of life, being pr-occupied with “after-life”, as its an outcomes I can’t alter or change, in a future that has yet to occur, in short wasting life with pointless questions
These conclusions are hard to argue against, as its true , no matter what think about life after death , it will be what it is and no matter how much I query and think , none of my ruminations will make an iota of difference in the reality of my death. Yet even knowing the incontrovertible truth of this logic, these questions still persist and bother me. As all actions, thoughts and events crescendo towards this outcomes of all outcomes. Like rip on the shore of the beach, it pulls us nearer and nearer as are struggles to avoid it are to no avail ,as there is no escape and no getting away from with it.
I will be trying to put up more links to books , movies and inspiration people that I really like .Here is a book about synchronicity and coincidence. It’s a really well written and inspirational book. As well as explaining what synchronicity is and how it works, she gives practical tips and insights in how to see it and apply in one’s own life. Although I can’t say I am big into the Angel side of things I still would really recommend it. It has 22 five star reviews I think for good reason.
Here is the Amazon description..
When Mary Soliel woke up to the reality of synchronicity, she realized we are all constantly graced with meaningful signs, not mere coincidences, through our relationships, nature, numbers, events—basically all things this world is made up of. In I Can See Clearly Now, she shares her twelve-year spiritual odyssey that began with an awareness of these mysterious forces that guide, validate, and help us live our lives.
You’ll be amazed by her many stories of nearly unbelievable occurrences of perfectly timed, exquisite signs, including those that miraculously and repetitively delivered a monumental message of hope for our future. I Can See Clearly Now will help you: • Recognize the synchronicities that bless your life. • Decide for yourself whether ours is a random or deliberate Universe. • Tap into your intuition to decipher meanings of synchronicities and become a conscious creator. • Know that your angels want you to call on them for help and guidance. • Create miracles through gratitude, unconditional love, and forgiveness. • Release negative self-thoughts that run your life, learn how to heal yourself, and recreate by “choosing again.”
Link to the book
Here is a link to her web site.Has some great resources