Finding clarity in life can be a daunting task at times. We live in a world where our attention and focus is being vied for constantly. We are bombarded with information that tells us what we should want, how we should feel and where we should be in our lives. Not so long ago in human history our only benchmark were the people surrounding us in villages. Now I have over six billion to compare my lot with. I don’t see this as good or bad, I guess it is just what it is.
The issue I face day to day is how all this choice and information impacts the quality of my day and how I see myself in relation to the world I live. We are swimming in sea of choice (or maybe drowning would be a better metaphor) from which I am meant to be making choices that by and large make me happier, work choices, relationship choices, purchase choices , lifestyle choices. The assumption is, if I want to be happy I make choices that move me closer to that happiness. So my compass is pointed towards happiness and my choices are meant to guide me in that direction .Simply put, good choices bring me happiness, bad choices unhappiness.
How do I determine what is going to give me happiness via my choices? I am lucky enough to have numerous companies, religions, organisations, people, family friends and any old Joe Blo willing to give me there take on what are good choices. Yet I find in the midst of all this choice and opinion at times I find it difficult to get a strong sense of what is best or right for me. I find I end up moving and swaying, bending and turning, this way and that way, gravitating to one direction and then pull away from another. All the time trying to work out what works and what doesn’t, what is true and what is false. In all of this whole process is easy to feel overwhelmed to a point of just shutting off and just going along or alternatively anxiously grabbing and grasping in the hope it’s right. The vacillation between these two becomes my Modus operandi and can end up being the sum of my day, week, month year or lifetime.
I read once that pain in life is unavoidable but suffering is. I interpreted that to mean that suffering is more a mental and emotional attitude to something, whereas pain just is. In my life I have had my fair share of both pain and suffering. Feeling negative seems a natural and normal part of living it would seem, sadness, hurt, despair and despondence all seem to be common experiences for most of us at one time or another. There is a balance on the one hand allowing yourself to feel and experience your pain in a healthy, unrepressed manner, then on the other hand there is the capacity of get entangled, caught and imprisoned by negativity.
How do we know when we positively acknowledging our pain or when we have become victims of self inflicted self pity? For me unless you have reached a certain level of Buddhahood there is a place for pain and suffering. From a theoretical point of view suffering only comes from a conditioned and false set of thinking and reacting, even if that is the case, we have to work with where we are, not where we could or should be.
The first step for this is about being emotionally honest with oneself. Maybe you have been asked “Are you ok?†With either a sad or angry expression reply “I’m fine!†when every inch of your tone and body language says otherwise. We can’t work through or go beyond something we are pretending not even to have, unless we are being truthful towards ourselves.
Our emotions have a reason for being there. They tell a lot about ourselves and where we are at inside ourselves.
So a second step can be to try observe how we feel from a non judging point of view, to be a witness to how we feel rather than a critic. We often have conflict that relates to voices inside our head arguing how we should or shouldn’t feel. This is a big part of how negative feelings take root as we don’t truly allow ourselves the right to have them. This starts at early age when as kids we are told by parents how we should feel as opposed to how actually we feel, this is later re-enforced by our society and culture.
For me I would say the hardest part that I face inside myself when it comes to transcending the negative feelings I have about myself or others, is the ability to view how I’m feeling from a point of compassion and kindness. So I first pretend I don’t have the feelings I have, then if it’s so obvious its undeniable I dismiss these feelings or justify them but what I don’t do is view them from a loving and compassionate perspective. This would be the norm, yet what I can say is I have had times that for whatever reason I have managed to step back, even just a fraction and look at my negative feelings with a feeling of compassion towards myself. When I have done this, these feelings seem to dissolve. It’s like when they have been acknowledged and allowed to be, they seem them to gently and effortlessly dissipate. Not only that but I have been able to see their value and gain some better insight to myself.
The things I have found helpful in eliminating negative feelings is more consistent practice of mediation and prayer, talking openly to others about how I am feeling, spending more time outside in direct contact with nature, how can one feel negative looking at the night sky or a field of wildflowers. Nurture a more loving attitude towards oneself which I genuinely believe is the key to so much of what we need in today’s world. So next time you find yourself in a negative place, try being honest, being open, and most of all be happy.
A film I would recommend any one to rent on DVD is “The Choirâ€. It’s a French, feel good film about a caring teacher who starts a choir in a French boarding school for delinquent boys. Throughout the film, the somewhat mean principal ,has a philosophy to discipline that is repeated with gusto “ action, reaction!â€Meaning that every naughty deed committed by one of the boys must be responded to, hence “action, reactionâ€.
In a funny way this a metaphor for how many of us, including myself, deal with life. Stuff happens, then we react. Often the way we react is not conscious, like Pavlov dogs the bells ring and we salivate. We seem programmed to react to certain stimuli in pre-defined way. Not many of us can be on the receiving end of insults and stinging criticism from a person we care about and remain detached and indifferent. We will find those comments hurtful and cutting. We feel justified and warranted in that feeling of being hurt. We could write accurate and long lists formula that say, if A happened I would do this B, if X happen I would probably react with Z.
All this is well and good, but often our reactions do not contribute to the life and relationships we actually want. As an example, someone I care about emotionally distances themselves from me. My reaction is to feel insecure and needy. As they see this reaction they pull away furthering my insecurities. So my reaction has brought the very things I was most afraid of happening. So the question is, how can I react less and respond more? How can I transcend my conditioned reaction and response to feelings, situations and people in way that is more centred, genuine and harmonious.
A start is first just knowing it is possible. One of the most exciting things to understand is our inherent capacity to change and transform. It may not be easy or straightforward but it is definitely possible. So once we know it is possible we then move to the question of how. From my own experience the thing I have found most powerful in limiting my reaction is to become more detached from the part of me that is doing the reacting.
I was speaking to a client the other day about picturing that you have monkey sitting on your shoulder throughout your day. This monkey is demanding, moody, sulking self pitying. It’s like a self-centred ,adolescent, crazy chimp on crystal meth, endlessly barking out should and shouldn’t to you all day. Always wanting more, never happy, never fulfilled, except of course when it gets what it wants, and then it is only ever momentarily This monkey is what is “reacting†part in you.
How often do we hear the expression “she/he is in denial”? In my own life I have felt the blinding and crippling impact of denial. Of course we are not talking denial in the meaning of refusing a request, we are referring to its definition meaning “An unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings†.Obviously the tricky part of denial is that important word “unconscious†.It’s easy to look back at an ex that might have been just using us, after the whole drama has unfolded. The issue is how can we be more “conscious†of what is going on, not with hindsight but with the midst of the situation itself. Another important word to observe within the definition is the word “defence†.You could also use the word “protect†or “to safeguardâ€. It is like a part of us can’t handle the truth so we build an almost imaginary reality layered on top of the real reality. We choose to believe, defend and uphold this reality, even though to others it is obvious or even absurd. To us our denial enables us to continue to believe and function. I can see in some cases how denial maybe a way to ensure we stay sane and balanced. .Particularly as children, maybe some realities are too hard for our fragile and vulnerable minds to face, so be build up a layer of denial to protect our psyche from too much direct trauma, particularly if there is little we can do to change the reality. Yet for most of us as adults who are able to deal and change our circumstances, denial then only serves in general to blind us to a reality that either doesn’t suit us or doesn’t serve us. When I look at my own life the areas of my biggest denial relate to problems I have had and my relationships. My denial is my public dishonesty, first with myself, then the rest of the world. When I look back it does seem obvious what I was in denial about but at the time it wasn’t. So if I follow that logic I can only assume that right now there must other things I hold be true that I could be in denial about. So what do I do to work out what’s true and what is false? To be honest I don’t have a clear answer, this is something I am working on, and probably will continue to be working on the rest of my life. Some pointers I can share with you on some characteristics of denial that can make it easier to indentify. A big red flag and flashing neon sign that you may be in denial is defensiveness, the same word mentioned in the definition. When someone say’s my employee is taking advantage of me and being lazy, then I get angry and defend them it could mean I am in denial. Maybe I afraid if I admit it that it shows I am a push over, a poor manager. Maybe it means the friendship I thought we had was imaginary and he was just using me .Either way when we loudly defend something it can be sign of denial. Avoidance is another sign of denial. When someone broaches something and I say “look I just don’t want to talk about it†when they ask “why?†and I reply “well I just don’t†in a snappy and curt manner it could be another sign.
Closeness in a Relationship Closeness can be a very tricky thing. Sometimes we find ourselves running away from it, sometimes we find ourselves wishing and wanting it when it’s not there. The truth is that closeness and intimacy are one of the many things which make life special and meaningful. Although it is a cliché, it is true when they say that on your death bed you won’t be looking back thinking: “Could I have made more money, had more acclaim?†More than likely you will be thinking: “Who was I close to? Whom did I love? Could I have loved them more?â€
Closeness as a gauge in relationships…
Closeness is an intangible and precious gift we both give and receive. Yet, for many of us, finding, developing and enjoying it can be part of life’s challenges. This can especially be the case when it comes to romantic relationships. Maybe we had closeness and it slipped away; maybe it was never there in first place and so we look for it even more. Either way, when it comes to romantic relationships the level of closeness, in many ways, is the gauge of the success of the relationship. The closer we are, the more we feel the relationship is working; the more distance, the more we feel things are wrong, things are not working. Often we can feel that things lie somewhere in the middle: we have some closeness but not as much as we would like.
Closeness as a value…
We can look at this issue in the light of values. If we have a partner who comes from a family where distance is the norm and closeness is not something they value, we can’t force that person to be close to us. They care for us in their own way. So, if closeness is the measure of the quality of a relationship and we can’t force our partners to be closer to us, there remains the question of how to we get closer to the people we love.
The process of becoming closer…
A basic thing to understand is how closeness is developed. Closeness is the natural process of being able to be honest, open and yourself with a person. It does not have to be romantic. We could say “I had such a great weekend with my mum; by the end of it we just seemed so much closerâ€. When we say “so much closerâ€, what do we mean? What happens to make us “closerâ€? Sadly we live in a society where much of our time is spent behind masks and different personas. It is not often that we feel naturally open, honest and close to people. Our guards are up automatically and we take time to warm and get close to people. So, part of this closeness is about really knowing people.
Part 1: The Ins And Outs of Letting Go There are a number of situations where people can end up holding onto relationships that seem over. It could involve a spouse who has recently left or it could involve someone they haven’t seen in two years and haven’t spoken to in a year. The situations may be different, but the dynamics are the same. The person is unable to let go of their ex-partner – the one they love and want to be with.
What it means to hold on…
When we are holding onto someone, to a relationship, we are preoccupied with how things were in the past and how we would like things to be in the future. We are remembering what the relationship was like and we are thinking about how we would like things to be in the future. We live in a state of wanting to get back together and waiting for it to happen.
What it means to let go…
Letting go is not the same as giving up. Letting go means that we no longer allow ourselves to become caught up in the anxieties of this relationship. We no longer focus on what was and what we want to be.
It doesn’t mean that we give up on the potential of ever getting back together with the person; it means no longer holding on to those desperate needs that we have around the relationship.
What to let go of…
We must also understand what it is that we need to let go of. Is it the person or the ideal of the person? For example, say we are in a situation where we are getting mixed messages from the other person. Our ideal is that this person gives consistent and positive messages regarding the relationship. We expect this to be the case; it is part of how we define a loving relationship. Perhaps we need to let go of this expectation, let go of this requirement to have the other person clear about the situation. We need to let go of this ideal and not necessarily the relationship itself. Perhaps we need to let go of the ideal that we should be together with this particular person and have romantic bliss. Perhaps we need to accept certain aspects of a person and then make a decision as to whether we want to deal with it or walk away.
ne hand it’s a simple and straight forward principle to practice , on the other hand it seems to grate and push against our instincts and drives. When faced with a scenario where someone is not feeling the way we want them to feel, we have hard time just accepting that this is the way they feel. We link accepting this with giving up and defeat. We then get caught in polarity that either I am pushing and striving to make the relationship better, or I depressingly throw in the towel and walk away. Yet often we fail to see that our “pushing” and “wanting” for that person to be different, could be a contributing factor that keeps them in the place where we don’t want them to be.
away from it, literally! Malta ,the island I live in strange mix of overt and celebrated Catholicism and stock standard chocolate coated consumerism of modern Easter. Although I am no longer a practicing Christian, for myself there is powerful symbolism surrounding Easter and central religious focus of the death of Jesus Christ ,his pain, his betrayal, his death and the his eventual resurrection. To me the ritual of Easter possibly has more relevance and bearing to our own lives than we may think.
