Archive for the ‘Letting Go’ Category
The article below was inspired by a client who would prefer to remain anonymous , so lets call her client L.J I did many readings for L.J and I have tremendous respect and admiration for the changes and choices she has made .Her life now is really evidence that as hard as it can be, life can and does get better when we trust and follow how we truly feel. If you read this L.J you have a lot to be proud of
Although I don’t have any credible data to back up my theory, actually I don’t even have any credible data to back up being a psychic , but that aside in my experience as psychic reader I would say that when a man who is forty plus, leaves a woman ,more often than not, there is another woman’s somewhere in the picture. Yet many women I have done readings for have left their husbands without the security and comfort of a partner waiting in the wings for them .Of course there women who leave relationships to be with someone else but none the less, this is phenomena I have observed.
The word I used in the title “Courage” to describe the characteristic that women possess in this area more than men, is word purposely chosen and a word that accurately describes what is needed and required of a women to leave a man, without the safety net of another. As courage is the willingness to take action not because one is fearless but to take action despite the crippling fears that may be present.
I think there are a number of things that contribute to this in the dynamics of relationship. I think a very basic one is how each partner has their needs meet .It would seem for someone men, having wife present , to do all the daily things of running a house, to go on holiday with and general feel look after maybe enough. They may no longer be attracted or have any romantic of loving feelings but security of just the other being there , is far better than being alone .In fact it may not be until an other women arrives on the scene and stirs up some of the more forgotten and numbed out needs that this man may consider leaving there partner. Although it may be wrapped up in the romantic language, it can often be a case of a new model has appeared on the market that can better fulfil what I want, this new model maybe younger, pay them more attention, stroke their ego and so forth.
In my readings I come cross situations where a person gets involved with a person who at some point in that involvement that just cuts off. Not in way that where they are back in touch two weeks later, this is a cutting off as in total “off the radar”, permanent, no talk, no returning of text or calls, no reply to emails, being delete from facebook, a total and complete shutdown,shut off and exit from their life.
This often is without explanation or closure. They don’t give a reason as to why they have just decided they never want to talk to you again. As a result you are just left guessing and making wild stabs in the dark. This can be very confusing and conflicting for a person. They may well still holding very strong and intense feelings for that person that they are just left wondering what to do with them. Because the person has cut off hasn’t sat down and told them “um sorry to say that this is our last conversation we are ever going to have, after this I will never to speak to you again or reply to any of your communication , these are my reason why blah blah blah ,so don’t hold out for me or think anything else other than I am out of your life for good, good bye and good luck.
Now that would be a hell of punch in the emotional guts but in reality it would allow the person at a minimum to move on. They know to expect nothing and any attempt to get more than nothing would be meet with nothing as promised. As this type of blunt and forthright statements are rarely made to the person left .So most are left with two difficult questions.
1 Why did they do this?
2. Will they every be back in touch and if so when?
Although every person and situation is different there are common motivations as to why a person would do this. The first and most obvious is guilt, couple with being a coward .If someone has decided that they no longer want to continue, rather than dragging it out they find it easier to just cut off .They can rationalise this by thinking after a while the other person will get the message. Because they may have made some big emotional promise and possibly fuelled the very feelings they are cutting off from, there strong sense of guilt. Rather than facing the hurt and pain they are part responsible for ,it’s a lot easier to just run away and be a relationship coward .In my opinion there is also an other more unconscious motive for not giving reasons and no closure. It allows that person the possibility of re-appearing, if or when they want to. As they have not told the person to move on and let go, it becomes subtle way of leaving slight backdoor open to return.
Often in my readings I share with people the value of seeing the meaning and purpose in all of how life unfolds. I tell them when there in a painful scenario, that everything happens for a reason and nothing is by chance and nothing is inherently negative, challenging yes but negative no. This perspective is nothing new and has been repeated and phrased differently by many people, over many centuries. For me it’s a view that makes sense and can really help people gain perspective when we come up against difficult times.
Though I truly believe in the meaning of all things, it is something that is certainly easier said than done. The challenge of truly integrating this outlook I have lately felt in my own life. Recently I have ended up entangled in situation that has been very stressful, disconcerting and difficult to get my head around and make peace with. It has involved the buying of property and the work involved taking from a empty plot of land into a liveable house. It’s a horrible feeling to know you have shafted while at the same time you know there is nothing on practical level you can do about it. What can then make it even worse is looking back and being honest about that fact that I put myself exactly where I am, maybe through unfounded trust, gullibility and lack of thoroughness in investigating what I was getting into but none the less it arose from choices I made. Then on top of all that I am aware that it hasn’t been the first time I have ended up on the raw end of a deal. As I you thought I had learnt my lesson only that I obviously haven’t
The bottom line is according to my own perspective that I espouse to my clients ,my own tough situation has happened for a reason, something good will come of it and the best thing I can do is accept it with a loving detachment. Umm I think…do I really say that to people? Umm this is not easy ,feeling so wronged and then asking of myself to see it as so right. As I can’t get it out of my head how this has set me back,I can’t seem to let go of the anger of feel toward myself , the supposed victim and them the supposed villains .I have imaginary conversation and confrontations putting it all right and getting justice, even though I know this will never happen. Up to now the only measurable outcome of what I have been going through is stress and struggle.
It’s a theme that I discuss regularly on this blog but its theme that I deal with regularly in my readings, it’s the issue of acceptance. On one hand it’s a simple and straight forward principle to practice , on the other hand it seems to grate and push against our instincts and drives. When faced with a scenario where someone is not feeling the way we want them to feel, we have hard time just accepting that this is the way they feel. We link accepting this with giving up and defeat. We then get caught in polarity that either I am pushing and striving to make the relationship better, or I depressingly throw in the towel and walk away. Yet often we fail to see that our “pushing” and “wanting” for that person to be different, could be a contributing factor that keeps them in the place where we don’t want them to be.
Acceptance is not about defeat, acceptance is solely about acceptance .If a person say, is unwilling to commit, they say upfront that they don’t want too much involvement. Acceptance is just respecting that person’s right to feel that way . Acceptance is practicing not fighting and struggling to get what you want, by trying to change the way another person feels. It can be tough and quite confronting, as our mind if often scheming and plotting to somehow, in some way, get what it wants. This could be more love, more commitment, more time, more contact, less distance, more communication, the list goes on .As we hold an idea in our mind of how we want that person to be and subtlety are pushing them into that place .We think if only they could commit and feel they way I want them to feel then everything would be ok.
The tricky part with acceptance may have to face the fact that the person we want to be a certain way, just isn’t that way. That doesn’t mean we have to water down the things we are desserving of, rather we just fully accept that this person is unwilling or unable to give us what we want at this moment. Choosing to continue with that person is then our choice, a choice we make with a honest understanding of where they are and want their willing to give .If someone decides to continue , whilst just accepting other person commits fears, they then may struggle with the feeling like the other person is now just getting things their way. It may feel like the relationship is now just shaped around their preferences and inability to commit .Yet the reality is, if they are unwilling to give more and really do only want something on their terms, then acceptance takes us away from the hope of a more commitment in the future that allows us to avoid the present.
Easter is here again .I have the important duty of working out where to hide my children’s Easter eggs .Being three and four years old girls, they have to be hidden well enough for them to have fun but not too hard that they end up crying because they can’t find any(I have to make sure I remember to ,so one melted egg does show up three months from now) .As I walked through the supermarket looking for my essential chocolate mini-eggs I was surrounded by rows and rows of chocolate themed eggs . Easter is here and there no getting away from it, literally! Malta ,the island I live in strange mix of overt and celebrated Catholicism and stock standard chocolate coated consumerism of modern Easter. Although I am no longer a practicing Christian, for myself there is powerful symbolism surrounding Easter and central religious focus of the death of Jesus Christ ,his pain, his betrayal, his death and the his eventual resurrection. To me the ritual of Easter possibly has more relevance and bearing to our own lives than we may think.
The story of Christ’s death and resurrection tells us that even in the darkest and most difficult times, when we feel the most forsaken and alone , out of this pain there is the hope of renewal, re-birth and new beginnings. When we are in the midst of this hurting it can be easy to forget this fact. There comes a point where we just don’t see the light, we are enmeshed with our troubles that is hard to see or understand the wider more meaningful narrative that we are part of. Yet in the same way our happy moments pass, so do our bad ones. The pain can often be prolonged not by the problem or event that started it, but rather through our unwillingness to truly let go and surrender our want for things to be different to what they where or are.
The difficult part is some feelings we can’t “partially” let go of. Christ didn’t just partially suffer , he died on the cross .His rebirth and accent into heaven could only occur once that death had taken place. Often in life we are faced with these realities, where the only way to truly have fresh start is to sincerely let go and die to what we are holding on to. Do this we must be willing to surrender our wilfulness, our need for an expected outcome and start trusting in the unseen forces that take hold once we hand over our pain over.
If there one topic or issue that would be a reoccurring theme within my readings it would the issue of dealing with someone close cutting off or pulling away to the extent all communication has come to a halt. The person is often left with questions, concerns and general feeling of things being “unfinished”. Afterwards they then wonder if there holding on is based on an intuition or some massive denial disguised as an ongoing connection. The problem is there is not a formula or general rule to apply to these situations. Each scenario is unique and particular to the two people involved. Often the non-communication ends and things start back up again, other times it really is the finally curtain call for the relationship. Trying to know which one you’re in is often the purpose of people having a psychic reading. As their knife-like silence and absence creates a deep anxiety and fretful feeling that gnaws away at the person stomach. They know that to keep texting my make them look like a stalker which they don’t want to be perceived as and they may have even suffered the modern “slap-down” of a Facebook friend delete, which just furthers the panic. All this creates a heightened sense of having no control over the outcome. We are not willing or wanting to let go but the other hand person has decide for now, they do. So what do you do? Is there any secret psychic trick that can get them to txt and get back in touch? The good news is there are things you can do to help you feel better and move forward. Bad news is there is no tricks and secret to get them to do anything, in that regards that silly annoying thing of peoples personal free will keeps getting in the way So for now it’s best to just stick with working on oneself as the most effective solution.
Getting in the right place
First thing I would try become aware of is that if there is any emotional state you can move into that may help compel them to re-communicate, it is less likely to be when you are feeling insecure, needy, desperate or any of those type of feelings. Let’s face it, when any of us feels those type of feelings from someone our basic gut reaction is pull away. If they are have already pulled back, dumping your insecurities in their direction will probably ensure more and more distance between the two of you. The hard part about not feeling so insecure, is the very act of someone we care about pulling away naturally invokes an insecure feelings. We are left with an emotional vacuum that their distance has now created , which is not easy to be indifferent to. The key here to not allowing the insecurity to spill over is to really try understand its root cause. It may seem to be about the other person but in truth whatever we feeling starts someplace inside ourselves .When someone cuts off we are bound to feel rejected .This can bring up feelings of low self worth and feelings of not being lovable .Even though we know they have pulled away for their own reasons we still personalising and think they on some level there is something wrong with us that has forced them away .If we really believe that is the truth, then it make sense we want to fix it on some level ,as we are attributing their distance to being our fault. What you may find helpful is to really start working on affirming to yourself how valued and worthy you really are,independent of what they do.As you sit with the feeling of being at peace with yourself you will find that the urge or intensity of wanting to communicate, or needing them to communicate will lift. Maybe not totally but enough for you to feel it’s made a difference As some of what you feel is your genuine desire to be back in touch but a large part of what going on is how insecure their distance has suddenly made you feel. By reminding yourself that you have no reason to feel insecure and you are whole and worthy ,will help shift something in yourself focus wise .As the very act concentrating first on your self worth moves the focus away from them to you.
I think that’s the wonderful and lateral nature of how we progress and understand things as people. We potter along seemingly getting nowhere, maybe even feeling stuck, then all of sudden there comes this breakthrough or flash of understanding. One of the things I have been feeling lately is my appreciation of what is in front of me, the immense value of all I have this very moment. As to be content with were we are and what we have runs contrary to the emphasis society places on getting more, having more and being more. Now some of that is just the nature of capitalism and consumer society .Our western society is structured in a way that permits us to be bombard advertisements telling us what we need and why we need it. It’s common knowledge large corporations pay highly qualified psychologist and persuasion experts to tap into our most basic unconscious buttons of greed, fear, security or status. In addition to these social forces compelling to “do more” or to “get more”, there our own human nature of desire. To start with our basic desires for food, sex and security unpin many actions each and every day. Layered on top of that are more subtle drives for control and approval .All these drives them have various means of how they express or manifest in our lives. Yet the interesting thing is after our basic survival needs are meet, it’s seem when we fulfill each of whatever it is we want, very soon after another “want” emerges. Although our desire to improve our lives has lead to wonderful discoveries and inventions that have elevated our quality of living, it would seem on an emotional level we are no more or less happy as a civilisation now as we were 3000 years ago . It would seem the human condition has remain somewhat unevolved as we see the same mythical Greek drama involving, war, lust, betray and cruelty been re-enacted each night on the six o’clock news.
The endless to-do list…
Part of the lack emotional evolution seem to connected the belief that true happiness lies within getting what we want. Although I don’t think we can switch of the desire button and although there some benefits of being driven it is not the only way to approach being happy. It is also liberating thing to feel that everything I need to be happy I have it in front of me. That no matter if I “do” or “do not” get the things I want, it won’t determine or be the ultimate measure of my contentment. Thinking I have everything I need already is not the natural way to think, as most days of moments are spent working out how I am going to get what I want. The function of all these desires we tell ourselves is satisfaction or contentment. The problem arises is when we finally get it, more often or not the need for more of whatever it is, better stuff , more of it all comes up and we are back were we started .The Buddhist call it the “hungry ghost” another term for it is the “hole in the soul”. It’s the endless “to do list” of achieving happiness, that no matter how many items I tick off new ones inevitability appear that now need to pursued and attained.
I think it’s safe to assume if you were to ask the average Joe on the street what they want in life one way or another you would get the answer “To be happy”. Even if it wasn’t directly that, such as I want fame , money and power as your questions probed further that person may assume that all these other thing will lead them to being happy. So it makes sense if this is what most of us wants to ask the question “What is it that prevents us from getting it?” What causes us the pain that prevents us from being happy?
Will getting what we want make us happy?
Through my own personal experience, as well as trying to help others, I see much of our pain and suffering come from us all the time wanting to change things we have very little control over. This applies not just with people and circumstance but with ourselves. You might be startled to note how many times through the course of a day you find yourself fighting “something” or “someone” in our minds .From the minor like “He should have indicated when pulled out in front of my car” or “The waiter should have at least apologised when they brought out my lunch order forty minutes late” or, to the major ones of “I want my partner to more affectionate” ,”It’s unfair I didn’nt get the promotion” “I hate myself or being this overweight” .We are constantly evaluating our life interactions in terms do they give us what we want or what we expect.A good dayis made up of successfully getting what we want, a bad day is usually consistent of events and outcomes that far removed from what we want. Yet within this mindset most of us possess, we often fail to truly examine two pertinent questions
1)Is getting what want really the source of lasting happiness?
2) Why is it we huff and puff over things we have little or no control of?
No fighting, just accepting…
An alternative to this fighting is the practice of acceptance or non-resistance. When you imagine non-resistance you could envision just passively just “accepting” whatever comes your way. Kind of being a spiritual doormat. Yet we you really take a look its more the art of understanding what is you can’t and can control and not exerting energy and effort in pointless directions. This takes great trust in life and the “way of the universe” as just accepting goes hand in hand with letting go of our minds coveted outcomes, we are manoeuvring towards all the time.
There comes a point when writing articles about relationships and personal development where I get stuck. Itâ€™s hard not to feel that you just end up writing different version of Â the same topics. The truth is this is the case but itâ€™s more of a honest reflection of the way life and relationship themselves unfold. Often we are dealing with the same things over and over, the same themes, the same issues, the same conflicts, the same dilemmas. Each time we go through a cycle we hope for a better understanding or more insight and awareness of whatâ€™s happening .
If only they called more…..
Life ends up feeling like a spiral more than a Â straight line. One of the themes I have talked about before is how relationships are our mirrors to ourselves, how we view others, tells us more about ourselves than the people we are judging or forming opinions on. This is almost an instinctual habit in us that itâ€™s hard at times to really gain distance from, due to how frequently we go about this. In psychic readings the most common occurrence of this is when a person wants other person to be another way in order to make them feel more safe, secure or reassured. For instance someone we are in love with or involved with, becomes emotionally distant and stops communicating. This can then trigger a anxiety or feeling of unease that compels the person to want the other person to go back to the way they were before, to keep loving them or keep giving them the feeling that made them feel so good before. It Â is within the midst of these moments we have a golden opportunity to shift our perceptive, to bring to ourselves more happiness and more contentment.
Its our “thoughts” not the other person that is the problem..
The thought â€œThey should call more oftenâ€ when we are faced with a reality that they donâ€™t and it appears they are not going to, creates a high level of stress and frustration .We put our focus into hoping and wishing they would do what we want. We want our internal discomfort to ease by an external reality that we have no say or no control over. We set ourselves up to feel stressed and unhappy just by the thought â€œThey should call more oftenâ€ which really translate â€œThey should do what I want ,to make me feel what I wantâ€. If we are able to examine this thought and put our focus not shifting reality but shifting the thought.
Part 1: The Ins And Outs of Letting Go There are a number of situations where people can end up holding onto relationships that seem over. It could involve a spouse who has recently left or it could involve someone they havenâ€™t seen in two years and havenâ€™t spoken to in a year. The situations may be different, but the dynamics are the same. The person is unable to let go of their ex-partner – the one they love and want to be with.
What it means to hold on…
When we are holding onto someone, to a relationship, we are preoccupied with how things were in the past and how we would like things to be in the future. We are remembering what the relationship was like and we are thinking about how we would like things to be in the future. We live in a state of wanting to get back together and waiting for it to happen.
What it means to let go…
Letting go is not the same as giving up. Letting go means that we no longer allow ourselves to become caught up in the anxieties of this relationship. We no longer focus on what was and what we want to be.
It doesnâ€™t mean that we give up on the potential of ever getting back together with the person; it means no longer holding on to those desperate needs that we have around the relationship.
What to let go of…
We must also understand what it is that we need to let go of. Is it the person or the ideal of the person? For example, say we are in a situation where we are getting mixed messages from the other person. Our ideal is that this person gives consistent and positive messages regarding the relationship. We expect this to be the case; it is part of how we define a loving relationship. Perhaps we need to let go of this expectation, let go of this requirement to have the other person clear about the situation. We need to let go of this ideal and not necessarily the relationship itself. Perhaps we need to let go of the ideal that we should be together with this particular person and have romantic bliss. Perhaps we need to accept certain aspects of a person and then make a decision as to whether we want to deal with it or walk away.