How can we stop making bad relationship choices?

The more I know , the more I only know, that I actually know very little .I am sure that is a famous quote of someone’s that I have hijacked but it about sums up what I feel when I learn what I learn. What I tend to discover is many of my assumptions about life and relationship’s, when carefully examined don’t match the reality of what I see and experience. There seems to be in myself and society as a whole a wide chasm between the things we believe and the reality of what we end up creating. It’s like there is the story of what goes on inside your head, the story we self-narrate ,as we saunter through life. We tell ourselves what we want and what matters and apparently shape our choices around the fulfillment of these wants and dreams. A common story is “I want a loving, stable and fulfilling relationship” .Then we set about our quest to find such a relationship; we scan the barbeque of our cousin seeing if anyone fits. We set up an online profile, with are shopping cart list of qualities and specifications of the model of relationship we want. We then have to write a confident but modest account of who we are, with just a touch of humour, not too much as you don’t want to be seen as a clown, not too little to avoid been seen as a bore. Then we are off and running, a few crash, a couple fire then fizzle and then finally ,wham! We manage to find someone that wants to be with us as much as we want to be with them .
All the while this is going on we assume that the “I” that is making choices, selecting and filtering, processing and crunching the “love data” that crosses our path is the “I” of our conscious mind. We tell ourselves that we know exactly what we are doing and why. It all makes sense and we can successfully rationalize why it is “this” person we choose to set up a life with, rather than “the other”. Yet although this would be the common held story most of us tell ourselves ,why is it we can attracted relationships that end up being quite bad for us, that may always end in rejection or disappointment? Although in the moment, we are convinced completely otherwise, we feel totally confident that this is the right person for me.
The confronting answer to that question lies in the acknowledgment that there more powerful unseen forces at work in us and others shaping both the people and situation we gravitate to .Its due to the fact that it’s not our conscious mind really doing the choosing ,it that the subconscious, with its imbedded belief systems, that will have the final say and what “is” or “is not” allowed into our life. I see it at work in readings often, a person we will be enthralled by someone who doesn’t have any interest whatsoever ,while simultaneously disinterested and dismissive of an another person who is actually may being willing and able to give them what they claim they want. They reject the more stable choice based on the lack of attraction or “chemistry” .The loving ,available person they say , they just don’t have the “chemistry” and they are right, what they are failing to grasp is the “chemicals” that have been created and consumed will make them sick and dysfunctional .That is an unconscious need that identifies some unconscious need in the other that essential seals the deal, not all the reasons we attribute in our head .In the same way if you have grown accustom to eating junk food, when you go to eat a healthy salad it won’t feel right, or will tastes disgusting. What we like relationship wise can operate on a similar level, we crave for the “Mc Donald’s of relationship’s” because our we feel because it is what we yearn for , it is therefore what is best for us , never questioning or examining what part of who we are,that is actually doing the “yearning”.
So it would seem paramount in the pursuit of love to be willing to get to know and explore the workings of our subconscious mind. A great way of uncovering of what it is that truly drives us is by uncritically and compassionately looking back at the actually reality of what has happened in our life when it comes to our relationships. Then to do this, with the awareness that each every relationship involvement, good or bad came into your life because that’s what you wanted and that’s what you choose. It is reevaluating our personal history thinking that every person we allowed into our story, long enough to be what you would call a “character” , rather than just an “extra”, is a relationship that formed by some kind of subconscious agreement as to why we are letting that person into our lives and why they are doing the same.
When you have chequered history of challenging and unsuccessful relationships that process can be quite confronting, as the feeling we are victims, to either fate, others or even ourselves is very deeply imbedded .How could I have chosen or wanted “that”, we think to ourselves,as we look back at a person who betrayed us and broke our heart. Yet is actually makes sense we you see that the part of you that’s conscious didn’t choose but another part of you that’s subconscious did. What is challenging is when the set of needs and drives are vastly divergent to what our conscious mind is telling us we need and are driven by.
There people that don’t have that issue, the romantic relationship they are in fulfill both there subconscious and conscious needs, as there is some degrees of harmony and uniformity in that persons total consciousness .Yet for many of us, myself included, that unity is not present, which is then validate by an often repetitive process of starting thinking something is going to be one thing but it ends up something every different. The is an aspect of chance for sure but when this seems to occur over and over then it starts pointing to something deeper than just an unlucky twist of fate.
When this unobserved drive can wreak the most havoc, is when we are oblivious its actions and influence. Continuing to deny its power and bearing means we keep reaching “out there” for another chance, we keep rolling the “love dice” hoping this time we win. Yet winning only becomes possible at a minimum ,when realize the game is fixed, the dice are rigged and no matter how many times we roll, no what matter what twist of the hand we use, or how many kisses we give the dice, the end result will always be the same.
Accepting this can be a really big breakthrough, although it quite confronting things start to make sense. We can start to see what we consider “bad choices” as being the subconscious doing its best with what it knows and within what it knows that choice at the time were for the best. So we can cease blaming ourselves and others and start to open a bridge to that hidden part of who we are. As I potter along in my own life, I see that distinction more and more vividly between a life lived “conscious or aware” and a life lived “unconscious or unaware”. The choice becomes ,do we just spend our adult life living out all the unlived or repressed aspects of our parent by imitation or going the opposite? Do we spend our adult life escaping into numbness and avoidance from the pain we refuse to see in ourselves. At heart will our adult lives just be one big retreat and distraction from the depths of who we are really are? If that is the case we just sleeping walking through life and allowing our unconscious to set the parameters of what we do and don’t achieve, wind up the EverReady bunny playing the drums and off it goes.
The alternative is living the conscious life. This requires us to really face all of the ugliness and willful blindness of our ego. Which is always easier not to do, as who wants to face up to the fact that all the negative qualities we so accurately observe in others, exist within ourselves. As I see really living a more conscious life we remove the little “secret caveat” we hold close to our chest that reminds us that “It’s OK because it’s not my fault, I am the goody, they are the baddy” type belief. There becomes a gap too vast , as you can no longer reconcile the sense I am fully responsible the whole of who I am and I am a victim, as the two stories can no longer live together in the same space inside ourselves
So for me a big insight into my own grow and development as a person is realizing I have a enormous reservoir of “being” or “am-ness” that impacts and directs my life that I have little or no awareness of. Annoyingly so, like many people I only see its impact in hindsight .Its only at 38 I see how bad choice it was to get involved with a certain person when I was 21.Hindsight, as they say gives us 20/20 vision. That being the case we must also assume when I get to 60 I will look back in the same way about the choices I am making now at 38.As I can only assume whatever forces I was blind to then at 21 ,because I haven’t seriously look into what drives me, are operational now.
So I start to see the work of bettering myself involves doing nothing other than just becoming more aware of what is really going on in me. This means questioning and examining the things I believe. Working to then understand where my drives and belief actually emerged from .
Its a weird feeling to suddenly feel a stranger to myself, that I have an hidden aspect of “I” that has a vested interest is evading the light of awareness from my conscious “I” .So what I discover I will keep you posted but I think for anyone looking to have happier and more lasting the relationships, the process of truly knowing all of oneself, gives you a greater chance or ensure negative history doesn’t repeat itself .It gives us a greater chance to live the life we choose , as opposed to living a life that is on-going reverberation of childhood imbedded beliefs disguised as “choice” .I think that is why many of these opportunities come later, post 35 in our lives. As we need to have a body of evidence, a list of failures to be open enough to say something is not working. Within this we can then see that even our darkest and most botched relationship have meaning and purpose, as they slow become sign posts for us to return to the divinity and wholeness that welcomes us coming home. It gives us a feeling that what has happened, all roads, not matter how treacherous, leads us back to a place of peace and understanding. Although stopping, stand still and peering the light of awareness into these dark and powerful rooms of our being, is to begin a scary process, it soon transforms into something liberating and freeing ,as we reach an acceptance that “all of us” is worth loving and “all of us” has a place and purpose in the story we live and the people we love.

How do you make sure you needs are meet in your relationship?

There are fundamental needs and drives that compel most humans. These are broader and basic drives then many aspects of our relationships and psychical environment are often shaped around. I would consider these following the most fundamental
1. The need to feel secure
2. The need to feel in control
3. The need to feel special/separate
4. The need to feel connection.
This isn’t an official list, rather just what comes to mind when break down other more detailed or nuanced needs, then general end up following back on one or a combination of the four mentioned above. For example the need for close friends can be seen to be an expression of the need for connection and security. Telling your teenage daughter what time they are expected home by may come from a need to feel in control. Letting all your friends know about your big promotion may come from the need to feel special and different from others. So all of us in way or the other over the course of a day expend energy and time on getting these needs meet .Even those who spend the whole day focused on fulfilling someone else’s needs, can still be tied into their need to feel secure.
Its not hard to observe the vast different in others.in the very same way each of us is unique in our psychical characteristic, our emotional behaviour has its own unique configuration as well. We come into this world with you might say core template that is then shaped and influence by our environment and spontaneous mix of nature and nurture. So as babies we have very core drives at work, the drive for security and the drive for connection. Each time a babies cries in hunger and is then fed lovingly by the mother, there is an attachment loop being re-enforced .It brain is being hardwired to feel that it needs are being meet, which allows them to feel secure and safe .Criminologist have now conclude that the majority of violent crimes occur with people that didn’t get that feeling of being attached and being secure during their infant and childhood years. There is now and immense amount of studies and data that show how fundamental attachment during childhood is to the way we live our adult lives .As it’s in these years, we are taught and programed how to see the world, our relationship and most critically where we see ourselves in all of it. This conditioning literally hardwires the brains neurologically pathways that transcend our normal conscious thoughts, which you might say get layered on over these basic patterns. This is why many people feel at times baffled about why they keep making the same mistake or keep choosing the wrong guy, unaware we are acting out an unconscious method that aims at fulfilling a deeper need. . The problem is they needs and the methods we go about having them fulfilled may run contrary to your thinking mind wants for itself. As choosing a person that ends up rejecting us maybe rerun of some part of childhood where we were taught that being rejected is what happens when we reach out for our need of connection. That we found a kind of security and anchor when we play the role of being rejected. Although this is a little simplistic it just illustrates how we can do one thing in our conscious mind but are actual truly being govern by our sub-conscious training regarding he best way to get our needs meet. As we can’t escape our the compelling drive behind having our needs meet, no more than we can supress or ignore our need for food and water. So if we just assume this drive for having a needs meet is happening one way or an other, the question then is about our we having these need meet in a way that is honest, healthy and fulfilling. To answer that we then need to really open a door to self-discovery.
There I am sure some pretty basic ways we own how we get our needs meet Maybe we are quite conscious about the fact we crave approval and compliments with the awareness that receiving this type of positive attention makes us feel secure. Its here we have an opportunity at first to just understand and take ownership of the fact this is exactly what we do and why we do it. Second, we can then ask the question “Is this an effective way to feel secure? Are the other way to feel secure that don’t rely on getting constant positive feedback?” There is nothing wrong with posgtive feedback and praise but when it becomes a way to fulfil a basic need then get a disproportionate place in our mind and feelings. What we wear, how we look, the status we hold, the money we earn, the people we mix with, the views we hold, the newspaper we read, the study we have done all of these and more can be shaped and sold in a way solely about getting people to approve of us and compliment us. We can invest huge chunks or our time and attention in a method of feeling secure that at its heart can only ever briefly and fleetingly meet that need. As the act we think we need to promote or get others to see to get the attention we are looking for will never get a day off .The very nature of how this need is fulfilled require the same a amount of water it takes to fifll a bucket with a hole. As being admired or told we are wonderful never really gives us deep and peaceful sense of being secure, we have to keep investing, keep trying over and over, deluding ourselves that we a bit more effort we can get there. All of us have our own version of this circular and delude method of getting our needs meet. Maybe for us its about having control over others, or being a people pleaser , what it is doesn’t matter as such, rather it’s a question of is this the best way to get this certain need meet.
As looking at the example above we start to see that maybe for this person the feeling of being worth and whole being understood as innate attribute that isn’t earns or acquired , could bring them the sense of security that really does feel peaceful and maintainable. So with the same energy that put into getting other to think they are great, is instead redirected to learning how to feel that wholeness, what blocks them from that and how can they practise and integrate this into there every day lives .This is like plugging the hole and actually for once filling up the bucket.T his is replacing a tired and ceaseless struggle that never quite get there with an simple ,long-lasting and authentic way to really feel secure and really have that need meet.
This is the one thing I am starting to learn when it comes to personal growth and becoming happier in my life is it is not about new things I need to know or do, rather it’s about unlearning what I already know .I think in most of us have that innate ,kind and contented part of us. It resides deep with our minds and there times we get glimpses but we refuse to question that part of that thinks it knows better, that is convinced this time will be different .Our ego are very cunning when it comes to doing everything possible to change except the most obvious and straightforward things. So to begin with there is a level of humility and openness required. There is also a weariness required with the ways we employ not working. Its takes many, many experiences that end in things not being where we want them, happening over and over again until we final sit up and thinking that maybe there is something inside of ourselves that need to be look at. So with that humility, openness we can explore how our needs are meet and bring our focus to unlearning what once may have work and allowing our own natural and connected to self to come through.

Expectations: How they hinder and how they help our romantic relationships…

When do high standards become unreasonable expectations in the search for new love?

Will a lack of expectations limit the quality of relationship you attract ?

Psychic medium Ewan Nicholson explores the role of expectations in creating successful and lasting relationships.

When I was seventeen I had a Peruvian friend Humberto , who took me to a family friend for a coffee cup reading. At that age I was already reading tarot cards and I had a keen interest in all things “paranormal.”  I had never had tea cup or coffee cup read, so I was quite curious to see how it was done and what it would reveal.

The Mermaid in the cup…

The lady in question was very friendly and like most psychic didn’t use any props. She gave me a small espresso size cup and poured a thick and bitter Turkish coffee. When I finished it she asked me to turn it upside down on the saucer, which I did. After a minute or so she picked it up and started to examine the images she saw. She told me she saw an airplane and actually showed me where in the cup it looked like that, as it was like making pictures from clouds. She told me the airplane showed travel, possibly overseas.At that time I was booked to fly out to the UK, so I thought that was good to start. There were a few other things she saw but the one thing I remember to this day, was the fact she saw a “mermaid. She explained this as meaning I was romantically looking for something that didn’t exist and I needed to be more realistic and grounded when it comes to getting involved. She explained to me that sometime love comes gradually as result of time and getting to know someone, so she said it was time I gave someone a go and stopped being so choosey.

A psychic truth.

What was so striking about that insight was how precisely true it was, but it was a truth that was privy only to me. What she saw was something inside me that I knew was true but was unable to be honest enough to admit it. Although I can never really know for sure if it was the total reason but, when I looked back I see that reading as being the trigger to what opened me to my first real relationship.

Is there a secret formula to finding a happy and fulfilling relationship?

Psychic Medium Ewan Nicholson explores what formula, if any, is there to finding a loving and fulfilling relationship and how psychic readings may help someone get there.

Throughout my time as a professional psychic, my work has ended up being about helping people through common themes. The most frequent area of life I deal with is romantic relationships.Time and time again clients come up against genuinely stressful and disappointing  scenarios in the course of trying to find happiness in there love life. From being involved with a person who can’t commit, to being single and struggling  to meet someone special , to falling in love with a married person, to breaking up with a person who you yearn to be together again .All these situations are unique but they also share common characteristics and invoke common  feelings and thoughts. What is great about the similarities we share with others, is our common problems provides with the opportunity for a common solution.

I truly believe, that each person has the ability to create and attract  relationships into their life which are secure, fulfilling and beneficial. Our desire for closeness is healthy and it is often  our close relationship  that provide us with the meaning and depth each us yearn for in life. Closeness also brings colour and vibrancy into our lives ,which can be well needed when we are immerse in a society that is often automated and  impersonal .Yet when you have genuinely endeavoured  to find that closeness and repeatedly fail to do so over a period of years, it is easy to start to doubt the legitimacy of that need . What we once would have deemed cynical and pessimistic we now call this thinking as being “realistic”. We may find ourselves vacillating from somewhat depressed “can’t be bother”  which after period of time our need for closeness and connection prompts  to make and “effort” in which we venture out with all our past hurts and fears. Wary that if history repeats itself it gets harder and harder to keep trying but the longer we go without the love we are seeking more we may yearn for that closeness and connection. So we are faced with conundrum “I want a close relationship but I don’t want to set myself to feel disappointed and let down”

I find it a great honour to able to support and guide people towards a place where they are able to find that love and peace within themselves and their relationships .In my personal and professional experience, I have no doubt that the fastest way through a problem  is to be able to ask for help and support. Although in the end we all have to take responsibility for our life and choices, knowing we are not alone in our issues and that others do care about our well-being, makes the whole process a lot more easier and lot less tiring. It also encouraging knowing other have been where we are and they managed to find a way forward ,into more loving and rewarding relationships.

How finding new love can be path to magic and meaning

It can be all too easy to enter into a routine in the way we think and act that gives us sense of monotony and numbness. We plod along feeling like we have done it all before, because more than likely we have, same s**t ,different day, as expression goes. When we are moving along in this way, a type of emotional autopilot , it makes sense that we feel empty ,depressed and conflicted, as there is another part of us that never really makes peace and accepts this dreary place. We intuitively feel and know that there is more to life than what we are experiencing. This can be heighten even further when the previous mechanism of escape, drugs, drink, food, sex, TV or whatever it maybe, all fail to numb us, or distract us from the pain in the way it used. We are not happy in life and our efforts to pretend otherwise have stopped working.
Although a cynic may say this is “just life” yet that need for “more”, whether we accept it or not, has a power and pull .So much so, we can draw to us the opportunity for change whether we like or not. For many people this “kick start” or emotional revolution begins with a new relationship. Suddenly we feel the blood flowing through our veins, we experience a renewed sense of passion and zest for life. Suddenly a future that seemed rigidly mapped out has been discarded and replaced with a new map that is open and full of potential.
Enclosed with the experience also can be this feeling that this person and this occurrence was somehow fated or destined to be. Although I find it drippy, cliché and corny the general term for this experience is the soul mate (Personally I prefer the term coined by John O’Donahue “Anam Cara” which means “Soul Friend”. This then opens the experience up to emotional connections beyond romantic relationships.) When we feel we have encountered a person that is a soul friend, it awakens a feeling of our own soul. That warm familiarity we get with someone, that feeling we somehow know them, tells us the universe we inhabit is driven and directed by powerful, loving and magical forces .The meaningless drift was just a temporary illusion as the curtain is pulled back to reveal a life full of significance, worth and love. Our fated paths have crossed as a part of wider ,more cosmic narrative that we are somehow part of .
As often these relationship are romantic and often they can be catalyst for huge changes in people lives. People suddenly wake up thinking “Why am I doing this?” “Who’s life am I living?” We sense life is too short and too important to be wasted to be with people we have stopped loving or situations that limit and holds us back. Once we have tasted the fruit of those new and meaningful feelings, it is very difficult to just pretend it never happened. All this said, a bigger danger people can face it being aware of the power a new connection may have on us and as a result secretly hide our souls in anticipation of that bond.
If someone asked me what is the best way to attract that depth of union, I would suggest to start living your life with your soul open to the world to see. That begins with understanding and nurturing that awareness of our soul, spiritual centre, cosmic self, spirit or whatever name you choose to call it. Work to make “soul choices”, choices that come from a deeper understanding of who we are and our relationship with that part of ourselves and that part of life. We all deserve to feel magic and meaning in our lives. The love and connection we feel for another is such a wonderful gift we have as people .It inspires us , it enlivens us, it reminds us of what is truly important .Just beware if you’re not feeling that way you don’t have to wait for that “other” person, you can start now. You can invite that deeper part of who you are into your life. You can mindfully choose to commune with your soul .It’s that ever-present flame that burns within each of, producing feelings of unity, connection, love, kindness and peace. It’s the part of us that fights nothing, as its knows everything is ok and will be ok. As you see the warmth and brilliance of your own nature it will be impossible to not start finding yourself seeing it in others. Then our life becomes celebration of our ability to love and life’s amazing way of giving us an unending opportunities to practice this love. A quest of the heart, born from an awareness we are all worthy of tremendous love and capable of both giving it and receiving it. Give your soul a chance to breath, to be heard. As you do, I have no doubt that many fantastic people and opportunities will enter your life.

Healthy Versus Unhealthy Love

Part 1: How do we go from a healthy wanting of love to unhealthy need for love It is a natural part of our being to have a need and a desire for love – whether it is in the form of an intimate relationship, a friendship, or the bond between parent and child. It is the love that we receive and the love that we give which enables us to flourish throughout life. However, it seems that there is a thin line between this normal need for connection and the situation where a person starts to become fixated on love as a solution to life’s issues.

Two causes of this problem…

Firstly, there is our understanding of romantic love. We are typically raised surrounded by images of the perfect romance and relationship. Hollywood movies portray the ideal relationship and lead us towards thinking it is possible. Filled with these images and stories, we can easily establish unrealistic expectations of relationships. This only leads to disillusionment when our partners turn out not to mirror the perfect image we created of them. We have an unrealistic concept of love which cannot be fulfilled and can only lead to an unhealthy search for what doesn’t exist.

Secondly, there are the established norms of society around relationships and marriage. There is something wrong with you if you are single. Marriage is expected; wedding bells are a dream of many. If we can’t seem to find this ultimate partner, if we are failing in society’s eyes, love becomes a desperate search. We will do anything for this love…

The more we hanker after this unobtainable love, the more warped our vision becomes and the unhealthier our need for love becomes. We can start to revere it as our only source of happiness.

Many will easily overstay their due in a relationship simply because they need to have this love, and having a relationship that is not working is better than nothing at all. They will try harder and harder to fix something that is best left. They will believe that their partner has difficulties which need to be overcome – and then they will be able to give them the “right” love; perhaps they even feel it is their duty to help their partner in this task. They may think that the problem lies with themselves and that if they resolve it they will be loveable. This all puts enormous pressure on the relationship.