How can we stop making bad relationship choices?

The more I know , the more I only know, that I actually know very little .I am sure that is a famous quote of someone’s that I have hijacked but it about sums up what I feel when I learn what I learn. What I tend to discover is many of my assumptions about life and relationship’s, when carefully examined don’t match the reality of what I see and experience. There seems to be in myself and society as a whole a wide chasm between the things we believe and the reality of what we end up creating. It’s like there is the story of what goes on inside your head, the story we self-narrate ,as we saunter through life. We tell ourselves what we want and what matters and apparently shape our choices around the fulfillment of these wants and dreams. A common story is “I want a loving, stable and fulfilling relationship” .Then we set about our quest to find such a relationship; we scan the barbeque of our cousin seeing if anyone fits. We set up an online profile, with are shopping cart list of qualities and specifications of the model of relationship we want. We then have to write a confident but modest account of who we are, with just a touch of humour, not too much as you don’t want to be seen as a clown, not too little to avoid been seen as a bore. Then we are off and running, a few crash, a couple fire then fizzle and then finally ,wham! We manage to find someone that wants to be with us as much as we want to be with them .
All the while this is going on we assume that the “I” that is making choices, selecting and filtering, processing and crunching the “love data” that crosses our path is the “I” of our conscious mind. We tell ourselves that we know exactly what we are doing and why. It all makes sense and we can successfully rationalize why it is “this” person we choose to set up a life with, rather than “the other”. Yet although this would be the common held story most of us tell ourselves ,why is it we can attracted relationships that end up being quite bad for us, that may always end in rejection or disappointment? Although in the moment, we are convinced completely otherwise, we feel totally confident that this is the right person for me.
The confronting answer to that question lies in the acknowledgment that there more powerful unseen forces at work in us and others shaping both the people and situation we gravitate to .Its due to the fact that it’s not our conscious mind really doing the choosing ,it that the subconscious, with its imbedded belief systems, that will have the final say and what “is” or “is not” allowed into our life. I see it at work in readings often, a person we will be enthralled by someone who doesn’t have any interest whatsoever ,while simultaneously disinterested and dismissive of an another person who is actually may being willing and able to give them what they claim they want. They reject the more stable choice based on the lack of attraction or “chemistry” .The loving ,available person they say , they just don’t have the “chemistry” and they are right, what they are failing to grasp is the “chemicals” that have been created and consumed will make them sick and dysfunctional .That is an unconscious need that identifies some unconscious need in the other that essential seals the deal, not all the reasons we attribute in our head .In the same way if you have grown accustom to eating junk food, when you go to eat a healthy salad it won’t feel right, or will tastes disgusting. What we like relationship wise can operate on a similar level, we crave for the “Mc Donald’s of relationship’s” because our we feel because it is what we yearn for , it is therefore what is best for us , never questioning or examining what part of who we are,that is actually doing the “yearning”.
So it would seem paramount in the pursuit of love to be willing to get to know and explore the workings of our subconscious mind. A great way of uncovering of what it is that truly drives us is by uncritically and compassionately looking back at the actually reality of what has happened in our life when it comes to our relationships. Then to do this, with the awareness that each every relationship involvement, good or bad came into your life because that’s what you wanted and that’s what you choose. It is reevaluating our personal history thinking that every person we allowed into our story, long enough to be what you would call a “character” , rather than just an “extra”, is a relationship that formed by some kind of subconscious agreement as to why we are letting that person into our lives and why they are doing the same.
When you have chequered history of challenging and unsuccessful relationships that process can be quite confronting, as the feeling we are victims, to either fate, others or even ourselves is very deeply imbedded .How could I have chosen or wanted “that”, we think to ourselves,as we look back at a person who betrayed us and broke our heart. Yet is actually makes sense we you see that the part of you that’s conscious didn’t choose but another part of you that’s subconscious did. What is challenging is when the set of needs and drives are vastly divergent to what our conscious mind is telling us we need and are driven by.
There people that don’t have that issue, the romantic relationship they are in fulfill both there subconscious and conscious needs, as there is some degrees of harmony and uniformity in that persons total consciousness .Yet for many of us, myself included, that unity is not present, which is then validate by an often repetitive process of starting thinking something is going to be one thing but it ends up something every different. The is an aspect of chance for sure but when this seems to occur over and over then it starts pointing to something deeper than just an unlucky twist of fate.
When this unobserved drive can wreak the most havoc, is when we are oblivious its actions and influence. Continuing to deny its power and bearing means we keep reaching “out there” for another chance, we keep rolling the “love dice” hoping this time we win. Yet winning only becomes possible at a minimum ,when realize the game is fixed, the dice are rigged and no matter how many times we roll, no what matter what twist of the hand we use, or how many kisses we give the dice, the end result will always be the same.
Accepting this can be a really big breakthrough, although it quite confronting things start to make sense. We can start to see what we consider “bad choices” as being the subconscious doing its best with what it knows and within what it knows that choice at the time were for the best. So we can cease blaming ourselves and others and start to open a bridge to that hidden part of who we are. As I potter along in my own life, I see that distinction more and more vividly between a life lived “conscious or aware” and a life lived “unconscious or unaware”. The choice becomes ,do we just spend our adult life living out all the unlived or repressed aspects of our parent by imitation or going the opposite? Do we spend our adult life escaping into numbness and avoidance from the pain we refuse to see in ourselves. At heart will our adult lives just be one big retreat and distraction from the depths of who we are really are? If that is the case we just sleeping walking through life and allowing our unconscious to set the parameters of what we do and don’t achieve, wind up the EverReady bunny playing the drums and off it goes.
The alternative is living the conscious life. This requires us to really face all of the ugliness and willful blindness of our ego. Which is always easier not to do, as who wants to face up to the fact that all the negative qualities we so accurately observe in others, exist within ourselves. As I see really living a more conscious life we remove the little “secret caveat” we hold close to our chest that reminds us that “It’s OK because it’s not my fault, I am the goody, they are the baddy” type belief. There becomes a gap too vast , as you can no longer reconcile the sense I am fully responsible the whole of who I am and I am a victim, as the two stories can no longer live together in the same space inside ourselves
So for me a big insight into my own grow and development as a person is realizing I have a enormous reservoir of “being” or “am-ness” that impacts and directs my life that I have little or no awareness of. Annoyingly so, like many people I only see its impact in hindsight .Its only at 38 I see how bad choice it was to get involved with a certain person when I was 21.Hindsight, as they say gives us 20/20 vision. That being the case we must also assume when I get to 60 I will look back in the same way about the choices I am making now at 38.As I can only assume whatever forces I was blind to then at 21 ,because I haven’t seriously look into what drives me, are operational now.
So I start to see the work of bettering myself involves doing nothing other than just becoming more aware of what is really going on in me. This means questioning and examining the things I believe. Working to then understand where my drives and belief actually emerged from .
Its a weird feeling to suddenly feel a stranger to myself, that I have an hidden aspect of “I” that has a vested interest is evading the light of awareness from my conscious “I” .So what I discover I will keep you posted but I think for anyone looking to have happier and more lasting the relationships, the process of truly knowing all of oneself, gives you a greater chance or ensure negative history doesn’t repeat itself .It gives us a greater chance to live the life we choose , as opposed to living a life that is on-going reverberation of childhood imbedded beliefs disguised as “choice” .I think that is why many of these opportunities come later, post 35 in our lives. As we need to have a body of evidence, a list of failures to be open enough to say something is not working. Within this we can then see that even our darkest and most botched relationship have meaning and purpose, as they slow become sign posts for us to return to the divinity and wholeness that welcomes us coming home. It gives us a feeling that what has happened, all roads, not matter how treacherous, leads us back to a place of peace and understanding. Although stopping, stand still and peering the light of awareness into these dark and powerful rooms of our being, is to begin a scary process, it soon transforms into something liberating and freeing ,as we reach an acceptance that “all of us” is worth loving and “all of us” has a place and purpose in the story we live and the people we love.

Expectations: How they hinder and how they help our romantic relationships…

When do high standards become unreasonable expectations in the search for new love?

Will a lack of expectations limit the quality of relationship you attract ?

Psychic medium Ewan Nicholson explores the role of expectations in creating successful and lasting relationships.

When I was seventeen I had a Peruvian friend Humberto , who took me to a family friend for a coffee cup reading. At that age I was already reading tarot cards and I had a keen interest in all things “paranormal.”  I had never had tea cup or coffee cup read, so I was quite curious to see how it was done and what it would reveal.

The Mermaid in the cup…

The lady in question was very friendly and like most psychic didn’t use any props. She gave me a small espresso size cup and poured a thick and bitter Turkish coffee. When I finished it she asked me to turn it upside down on the saucer, which I did. After a minute or so she picked it up and started to examine the images she saw. She told me she saw an airplane and actually showed me where in the cup it looked like that, as it was like making pictures from clouds. She told me the airplane showed travel, possibly overseas.At that time I was booked to fly out to the UK, so I thought that was good to start. There were a few other things she saw but the one thing I remember to this day, was the fact she saw a “mermaid. She explained this as meaning I was romantically looking for something that didn’t exist and I needed to be more realistic and grounded when it comes to getting involved. She explained to me that sometime love comes gradually as result of time and getting to know someone, so she said it was time I gave someone a go and stopped being so choosey.

A psychic truth.

What was so striking about that insight was how precisely true it was, but it was a truth that was privy only to me. What she saw was something inside me that I knew was true but was unable to be honest enough to admit it. Although I can never really know for sure if it was the total reason but, when I looked back I see that reading as being the trigger to what opened me to my first real relationship.

Why do many women have more courage than men when it comes to being on their own?

The article below was inspired by a client who would prefer to remain anonymous , so lets call her client L.J  I did many readings for L.J and I have tremendous respect and admiration for the changes and choices she has made .Her life now is really evidence  that as hard as it can be, life can and does get better when we trust and follow how we truly feel. If you read this L.J you have a lot to be proud of

Although I don’t have any credible data to back up my theory, actually I don’t even have any credible data to back up being a psychic , but that aside in my experience as psychic reader I would say that when a man who is forty plus, leaves a woman ,more often than not, there is another  woman’s somewhere in the picture. Yet many women I have done readings for have left their husbands without the security and comfort of a partner waiting in the wings for them .Of course there women who leave relationships to be with someone else but none the less, this is phenomena I have observed.

The word I used in the title “Courage” to describe the characteristic that women possess in this area more than men, is word purposely chosen and a word that accurately describes what is needed and required of a women to leave a man, without the safety net of another.  As courage is the willingness to take action not because one is fearless but to take action despite the crippling fears that may be present.

I think there are a number of things that contribute to this in the dynamics of relationship. I think a very basic one is how each partner has their needs meet .It would seem for someone men, having wife present , to do all the daily things of running a house, to go on holiday with and general feel look after maybe enough. They may no longer be attracted or have any romantic of loving feelings but security of just the other being there , is far better than being alone .In fact it may not be until an other women arrives on the scene and stirs up some of the more forgotten and numbed out needs that this man may consider leaving there partner. Although it may be wrapped up in the romantic language, it can often be a case of a new model has appeared on the market that can better fulfil what I want, this new model maybe younger, pay them more attention, stroke their ego and so forth.

Is there a secret formula to finding a happy and fulfilling relationship?

Psychic Medium Ewan Nicholson explores what formula, if any, is there to finding a loving and fulfilling relationship and how psychic readings may help someone get there.

Throughout my time as a professional psychic, my work has ended up being about helping people through common themes. The most frequent area of life I deal with is romantic relationships.Time and time again clients come up against genuinely stressful and disappointing  scenarios in the course of trying to find happiness in there love life. From being involved with a person who can’t commit, to being single and struggling  to meet someone special , to falling in love with a married person, to breaking up with a person who you yearn to be together again .All these situations are unique but they also share common characteristics and invoke common  feelings and thoughts. What is great about the similarities we share with others, is our common problems provides with the opportunity for a common solution.

I truly believe, that each person has the ability to create and attract  relationships into their life which are secure, fulfilling and beneficial. Our desire for closeness is healthy and it is often  our close relationship  that provide us with the meaning and depth each us yearn for in life. Closeness also brings colour and vibrancy into our lives ,which can be well needed when we are immerse in a society that is often automated and  impersonal .Yet when you have genuinely endeavoured  to find that closeness and repeatedly fail to do so over a period of years, it is easy to start to doubt the legitimacy of that need . What we once would have deemed cynical and pessimistic we now call this thinking as being “realistic”. We may find ourselves vacillating from somewhat depressed “can’t be bother”  which after period of time our need for closeness and connection prompts  to make and “effort” in which we venture out with all our past hurts and fears. Wary that if history repeats itself it gets harder and harder to keep trying but the longer we go without the love we are seeking more we may yearn for that closeness and connection. So we are faced with conundrum “I want a close relationship but I don’t want to set myself to feel disappointed and let down”

I find it a great honour to able to support and guide people towards a place where they are able to find that love and peace within themselves and their relationships .In my personal and professional experience, I have no doubt that the fastest way through a problem  is to be able to ask for help and support. Although in the end we all have to take responsibility for our life and choices, knowing we are not alone in our issues and that others do care about our well-being, makes the whole process a lot more easier and lot less tiring. It also encouraging knowing other have been where we are and they managed to find a way forward ,into more loving and rewarding relationships.

Painful events always happen for a reason…um accept when they happen to me

Often in my readings I share with people the value of seeing the meaning and purpose in all of how life unfolds. I tell them when there in a painful scenario, that everything happens for a reason and nothing is by chance and nothing is inherently negative, challenging yes but negative no. This perspective is nothing new and has been repeated and phrased differently by many people, over many centuries. For me it’s a view that makes sense and can really help people gain perspective when we come up against difficult times.

Though I truly believe in the meaning of all things, it is something that is certainly easier said than done. The challenge of truly integrating this outlook I have lately felt in my own life. Recently I have ended up entangled in situation that has been very stressful, disconcerting and difficult to get my head around and make peace with. It has involved  the buying of property and the work involved taking from a empty plot of land into a liveable house. It’s a horrible feeling to know you have shafted while at the same time you know there is nothing on practical level you can do about it. What can then make it even worse is looking back and being honest about that fact that I put myself exactly where I am, maybe through unfounded trust, gullibility and lack of thoroughness in investigating what I was getting into but none the less it arose from choices I made. Then on top of all that I am aware that it hasn’t been the first time I have ended up on the raw end of a deal. As I you thought I had  learnt my lesson only that I obviously haven’t

The bottom line is according to my own perspective that  I espouse to my clients ,my own tough situation has happened for a reason, something good will come of it and the best thing I can do is accept it with a loving detachment. Umm I think…do I really say that to people? Umm this is not easy ,feeling so wronged and then asking of myself to see it as so right. As I can’t get it out of my head how this has set me back,I can’t seem to let go of the anger of feel toward myself , the supposed victim and them the supposed  villains .I have imaginary conversation and confrontations putting  it all right and getting justice, even though I know this will never happen. Up to now the only measurable outcome of what I have been going through is stress and struggle.

How Easter can help us let go of relationship pain and start anew.

Easter is here again .I have the important duty of working out where to hide my children’s Easter eggs .Being three and four years  old girls, they have to be hidden well enough for them to have fun but not too hard that they end up crying because they can’t find any(I have to make sure I remember to ,so one melted egg does show up three months from now) .As I walked through the  supermarket  looking for my essential  chocolate  mini-eggs I was surrounded by rows and rows of chocolate themed eggs . Easter is here and there no getting away from it, literally!  Malta ,the island I live in strange mix of overt  and celebrated Catholicism and stock standard  chocolate coated consumerism of modern Easter. Although I am no longer a practicing Christian, for myself there is powerful symbolism  surrounding Easter and central religious focus of the death of Jesus Christ  ,his pain, his betrayal, his death and the his eventual  resurrection. To me the ritual of Easter  possibly has more relevance and bearing to our own lives than we may think.

The story of Christ’s death and resurrection  tells us that even in the darkest and most difficult times, when we feel the most forsaken and alone , out of this pain there is the hope of renewal, re-birth and new beginnings. When we are in the midst of this hurting it can  be easy to forget this fact. There comes a point where we just don’t see the light, we  are  enmeshed with   our troubles  that is hard to see or understand the wider more meaningful narrative that we are part of. Yet in the same way our happy moments pass, so do our bad ones. The pain can often be prolonged not by the problem or event that started it, but rather through our unwillingness to truly let go and surrender our want for things to be different to what they where or are.

The difficult part is some feelings we can’t “partially”  let go of. Christ didn’t just partially suffer , he died on the cross .His rebirth  and accent into heaven could only occur once that death had taken place. Often in life we are faced with these realities, where the only way to truly have fresh start is to sincerely let go and die to what we are holding on to. Do this we must be willing to surrender our wilfulness, our need for an expected outcome and start trusting in the unseen forces that take hold once we hand over our pain over.

Book Review: I Can See Clearly Now: How Synchronicity Illuminates Our Lives

I will be trying to put up more links to books , movies and inspiration people that I really like .Here is a book about synchronicity  and coincidence. It’s a really well written and inspirational book. As well as explaining what synchronicity is and how it works, she gives practical tips and insights in how to see it and apply in one’s own life. Although I can’t say I am big into the Angel side of things I still would really recommend it.  It has 22 five star reviews I think for good reason.

Here is the Amazon description..

When Mary Soliel woke up to the reality of synchronicity, she realized we are all constantly graced with meaningful signs, not mere coincidences, through our relationships, nature, numbers, events—basically all things this world is made up of. In I Can See Clearly Now, she shares her twelve-year spiritual odyssey that began with an awareness of these mysterious forces that guide, validate, and help us live our lives.

You’ll be amazed by her many stories of nearly unbelievable occurrences of perfectly timed, exquisite signs, including those that miraculously and repetitively delivered a monumental message of hope for our future. I Can See Clearly Now will help you: • Recognize the synchronicities that bless your life. • Decide for yourself whether ours is a random or deliberate Universe. • Tap into your intuition to decipher meanings of synchronicities and become a conscious creator. • Know that your angels want you to call on them for help and guidance. • Create miracles through gratitude, unconditional love, and forgiveness. • Release negative self-thoughts that run your life, learn how to heal yourself, and recreate by “choosing again.”

Link to the book

http://www.amazon.com/Can-See-Clearly-Now-Synchronicity/dp/0595458602/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

Here is a link to her web site.Has some great resources

http://marysoliel.com/

The Power of Gratitude: Practising being happy with what you have

I think that’s the wonderful and lateral nature of how we progress and understand things as people. We potter along seemingly getting nowhere, maybe even feeling stuck, then all of sudden there comes this breakthrough or flash of understanding. One of the things I have been feeling lately is my appreciation of what is in front of me, the immense value of all I have this very moment.  As to be content with were we are and what we have runs contrary to the emphasis society places on getting more, having more and being more. Now some of that is just the nature of capitalism and consumer society .Our western society is structured in a way that permits us to be bombard advertisements telling us what we need and why we need it. It’s common knowledge large corporations pay highly qualified psychologist and persuasion experts to tap into our most basic unconscious buttons of greed, fear, security or status. In addition to these social forces compelling to “do more” or to  “get more”, there our own human nature of desire. To start  with our basic desires for food, sex and security unpin many actions each and every day. Layered on top of that are more subtle drives for control and approval .All these drives them have various means of how they express or manifest in our lives. Yet the interesting thing is after our basic survival needs are meet, it’s seem when we fulfill each of whatever it is we want, very soon after another “want” emerges. Although our desire to improve our lives has lead to wonderful discoveries and inventions that have elevated our quality of living, it would seem on an emotional level we are no more or less happy as a civilisation now as we were 3000 years ago . It would seem the human condition has remain somewhat unevolved as we see the same mythical Greek drama involving, war, lust, betray  and cruelty been re-enacted  each night on the six o’clock news.

The endless to-do list…

Part of the lack emotional evolution seem to connected the belief that true happiness lies within getting what we want.    Although I don’t think we can switch of the desire button and although there some benefits of being driven it is not the only way to approach being happy. It is also liberating thing to feel  that everything I need to be happy I have it in front of me. That no matter if  I “do” or “do not”  get the things I want, it won’t determine or be the ultimate measure of my contentment. Thinking I have everything I need already is not the natural way to think, as most days of moments are spent working out how I am going to get what I want. The function of all these desires we tell ourselves is satisfaction or contentment. The problem arises is when we finally get it, more often or not the need for  more of whatever it is, better stuff , more of it all comes up and we are back were we started .The Buddhist call it the “hungry ghost” another term for it is the “hole in the soul”. It’s the endless “to do list” of achieving happiness, that no matter how many items I tick off new ones inevitability appear that now need to pursued and attained.

No will power required- Finding a new way to achieve this new year’s goals and resolutions

The New Year is a traditional time of making resolutions and commitments to things we would like to achieve. Most of us in the past have made lists of resolutions, be it to give up smoking, lose weight or find new love. Of course we start off with some initial surge of enthusiasm and determination, then the days and weeks pass the commitment wears thin and often the underlying issues that created the initial obstacles reveal themselves and draw us back into our old habits. Of course, there are some people who succeed. These lucky few posses an iron will, who when needed, can commit to whatever they want and get the job done.

Given the amount of people in the Western world who are trapped in one form of addiction or another, from alcohol, illegal and legal drugs, coffee, sugar, sex, TV, video games, fitness, work or any other of the numerous things that we can be addicted to. This of course isn’t even talking about the less obvious or less measurable addictions, such as thoughts and feelings that many people could be deemed addicted to. All this it would seem to indicate that the “iron will” it not something the vast majority of us possess.  We have a picture of a society made of individuals who struggle to change and transform into who they want to be.

If each person in the UK had to make a list of things they wanted to change about themselves, I would guess it would be largely made of things they would like to “stop doing”, habits to kick, and patterns to dissolve. We now have thousands of industries, products and services all assuring and promising the fulfilment of these wishes. The most obvious example is the weight loss industry; figures show in the USA alone in 2006 55 billon dollars was spent on weight loss. With this huge investment people are making the results are astounding, surprise surprise, obesity in the USA is on the rise and predicted to be the main cause of death in the next fifty years. Each person of course wants to be believe, and is told to believe that even though diets do not work for most (95% the figures show long term) they will be different, their pride and fear drives them to invest in a system that has a history of failure. If it was a medicine that you were told would cost you $100 but only ever worked on 5% of the people would you buy it? The clincher and the hook the weight loss industry has is the success of the program, diet or whatever is being sold depends on the will power of the person. If you are strong enough, disciplined enough then it can work. What people fail to see metaphorically speaking, the company who owns the diet shop also owns the sweet shop across the street. Each desire is being played off each other.

What happen when you just accept someone can’t commit?

I think it’s safe to assume if you were to ask the average Joe on the street what they want in life one way or another you would get the answer “To be happy”. Even if it wasn’t directly that, such as I want fame , money and power as your questions probed further that person may assume that all these other thing will lead them to being happy. So it makes sense if this is what most of us wants to ask the question “What is it that prevents us from getting it?”  What causes us the pain that prevents us from being happy?

Will getting what we want make us happy?

Through my own personal experience, as well as trying to help others, I see much of our pain and suffering come from us all the time wanting to change things we have very little control over. This applies not just with people and circumstance but with ourselves. You might be startled to note how many times through the course of a day you find yourself fighting “something” or “someone” in our minds .From the minor like “He should have indicated when pulled out in front of my car” or “The waiter should have at least apologised when they brought out my lunch order forty minutes late” or, to the major ones of  “I want my partner to more affectionate” ,”It’s unfair I didn’nt get the promotion” “I hate myself or being this overweight” .We are constantly evaluating our life interactions in terms do they give us what we want or what we expect.A good dayis made up of successfully getting what we want, a bad day is usually consistent of events and outcomes that far removed from what we want. Yet within this mindset most of us possess, we often fail to truly examine two pertinent questions

1)Is getting what want really the source of lasting happiness?

2) Why is it we huff and puff over things we have little or no control of?

No fighting, just accepting…

An alternative to this fighting is the practice of acceptance or non-resistance. When you imagine non-resistance you could envision just passively just “accepting” whatever comes your way. Kind of being a spiritual doormat. Yet we you really take a look its more the art of understanding what is you can’t and can control and not exerting energy and effort in pointless directions. This takes great trust in life and the “way of the universe” as just accepting goes hand in hand with letting go of our minds coveted outcomes, we are manoeuvring towards all the time.