How can we stop making bad relationship choices?

The more I know , the more I only know, that I actually know very little .I am sure that is a famous quote of someone’s that I have hijacked but it about sums up what I feel when I learn what I learn. What I tend to discover is many of my assumptions about life and relationship’s, when carefully examined don’t match the reality of what I see and experience. There seems to be in myself and society as a whole a wide chasm between the things we believe and the reality of what we end up creating. It’s like there is the story of what goes on inside your head, the story we self-narrate ,as we saunter through life. We tell ourselves what we want and what matters and apparently shape our choices around the fulfillment of these wants and dreams. A common story is “I want a loving, stable and fulfilling relationship” .Then we set about our quest to find such a relationship; we scan the barbeque of our cousin seeing if anyone fits. We set up an online profile, with are shopping cart list of qualities and specifications of the model of relationship we want. We then have to write a confident but modest account of who we are, with just a touch of humour, not too much as you don’t want to be seen as a clown, not too little to avoid been seen as a bore. Then we are off and running, a few crash, a couple fire then fizzle and then finally ,wham! We manage to find someone that wants to be with us as much as we want to be with them .
All the while this is going on we assume that the “I” that is making choices, selecting and filtering, processing and crunching the “love data” that crosses our path is the “I” of our conscious mind. We tell ourselves that we know exactly what we are doing and why. It all makes sense and we can successfully rationalize why it is “this” person we choose to set up a life with, rather than “the other”. Yet although this would be the common held story most of us tell ourselves ,why is it we can attracted relationships that end up being quite bad for us, that may always end in rejection or disappointment? Although in the moment, we are convinced completely otherwise, we feel totally confident that this is the right person for me.
The confronting answer to that question lies in the acknowledgment that there more powerful unseen forces at work in us and others shaping both the people and situation we gravitate to .Its due to the fact that it’s not our conscious mind really doing the choosing ,it that the subconscious, with its imbedded belief systems, that will have the final say and what “is” or “is not” allowed into our life. I see it at work in readings often, a person we will be enthralled by someone who doesn’t have any interest whatsoever ,while simultaneously disinterested and dismissive of an another person who is actually may being willing and able to give them what they claim they want. They reject the more stable choice based on the lack of attraction or “chemistry” .The loving ,available person they say , they just don’t have the “chemistry” and they are right, what they are failing to grasp is the “chemicals” that have been created and consumed will make them sick and dysfunctional .That is an unconscious need that identifies some unconscious need in the other that essential seals the deal, not all the reasons we attribute in our head .In the same way if you have grown accustom to eating junk food, when you go to eat a healthy salad it won’t feel right, or will tastes disgusting. What we like relationship wise can operate on a similar level, we crave for the “Mc Donald’s of relationship’s” because our we feel because it is what we yearn for , it is therefore what is best for us , never questioning or examining what part of who we are,that is actually doing the “yearning”.
So it would seem paramount in the pursuit of love to be willing to get to know and explore the workings of our subconscious mind. A great way of uncovering of what it is that truly drives us is by uncritically and compassionately looking back at the actually reality of what has happened in our life when it comes to our relationships. Then to do this, with the awareness that each every relationship involvement, good or bad came into your life because that’s what you wanted and that’s what you choose. It is reevaluating our personal history thinking that every person we allowed into our story, long enough to be what you would call a “character” , rather than just an “extra”, is a relationship that formed by some kind of subconscious agreement as to why we are letting that person into our lives and why they are doing the same.
When you have chequered history of challenging and unsuccessful relationships that process can be quite confronting, as the feeling we are victims, to either fate, others or even ourselves is very deeply imbedded .How could I have chosen or wanted “that”, we think to ourselves,as we look back at a person who betrayed us and broke our heart. Yet is actually makes sense we you see that the part of you that’s conscious didn’t choose but another part of you that’s subconscious did. What is challenging is when the set of needs and drives are vastly divergent to what our conscious mind is telling us we need and are driven by.
There people that don’t have that issue, the romantic relationship they are in fulfill both there subconscious and conscious needs, as there is some degrees of harmony and uniformity in that persons total consciousness .Yet for many of us, myself included, that unity is not present, which is then validate by an often repetitive process of starting thinking something is going to be one thing but it ends up something every different. The is an aspect of chance for sure but when this seems to occur over and over then it starts pointing to something deeper than just an unlucky twist of fate.
When this unobserved drive can wreak the most havoc, is when we are oblivious its actions and influence. Continuing to deny its power and bearing means we keep reaching “out there” for another chance, we keep rolling the “love dice” hoping this time we win. Yet winning only becomes possible at a minimum ,when realize the game is fixed, the dice are rigged and no matter how many times we roll, no what matter what twist of the hand we use, or how many kisses we give the dice, the end result will always be the same.
Accepting this can be a really big breakthrough, although it quite confronting things start to make sense. We can start to see what we consider “bad choices” as being the subconscious doing its best with what it knows and within what it knows that choice at the time were for the best. So we can cease blaming ourselves and others and start to open a bridge to that hidden part of who we are. As I potter along in my own life, I see that distinction more and more vividly between a life lived “conscious or aware” and a life lived “unconscious or unaware”. The choice becomes ,do we just spend our adult life living out all the unlived or repressed aspects of our parent by imitation or going the opposite? Do we spend our adult life escaping into numbness and avoidance from the pain we refuse to see in ourselves. At heart will our adult lives just be one big retreat and distraction from the depths of who we are really are? If that is the case we just sleeping walking through life and allowing our unconscious to set the parameters of what we do and don’t achieve, wind up the EverReady bunny playing the drums and off it goes.
The alternative is living the conscious life. This requires us to really face all of the ugliness and willful blindness of our ego. Which is always easier not to do, as who wants to face up to the fact that all the negative qualities we so accurately observe in others, exist within ourselves. As I see really living a more conscious life we remove the little “secret caveat” we hold close to our chest that reminds us that “It’s OK because it’s not my fault, I am the goody, they are the baddy” type belief. There becomes a gap too vast , as you can no longer reconcile the sense I am fully responsible the whole of who I am and I am a victim, as the two stories can no longer live together in the same space inside ourselves
So for me a big insight into my own grow and development as a person is realizing I have a enormous reservoir of “being” or “am-ness” that impacts and directs my life that I have little or no awareness of. Annoyingly so, like many people I only see its impact in hindsight .Its only at 38 I see how bad choice it was to get involved with a certain person when I was 21.Hindsight, as they say gives us 20/20 vision. That being the case we must also assume when I get to 60 I will look back in the same way about the choices I am making now at 38.As I can only assume whatever forces I was blind to then at 21 ,because I haven’t seriously look into what drives me, are operational now.
So I start to see the work of bettering myself involves doing nothing other than just becoming more aware of what is really going on in me. This means questioning and examining the things I believe. Working to then understand where my drives and belief actually emerged from .
Its a weird feeling to suddenly feel a stranger to myself, that I have an hidden aspect of “I” that has a vested interest is evading the light of awareness from my conscious “I” .So what I discover I will keep you posted but I think for anyone looking to have happier and more lasting the relationships, the process of truly knowing all of oneself, gives you a greater chance or ensure negative history doesn’t repeat itself .It gives us a greater chance to live the life we choose , as opposed to living a life that is on-going reverberation of childhood imbedded beliefs disguised as “choice” .I think that is why many of these opportunities come later, post 35 in our lives. As we need to have a body of evidence, a list of failures to be open enough to say something is not working. Within this we can then see that even our darkest and most botched relationship have meaning and purpose, as they slow become sign posts for us to return to the divinity and wholeness that welcomes us coming home. It gives us a feeling that what has happened, all roads, not matter how treacherous, leads us back to a place of peace and understanding. Although stopping, stand still and peering the light of awareness into these dark and powerful rooms of our being, is to begin a scary process, it soon transforms into something liberating and freeing ,as we reach an acceptance that “all of us” is worth loving and “all of us” has a place and purpose in the story we live and the people we love.

They don’t return calls, txt, emails and they have totally cut off………What next?

In my readings I come cross situations where a person gets involved with a person who at some point in that involvement that just cuts off. Not in way that  where they are back in touch two weeks later, this is a cutting off as in total “off the radar”,  permanent, no talk, no returning of text or calls, no reply to emails, being delete from facebook, a total and complete shutdown,shut off  and exit from their life.

This often is without explanation or closure. They don’t give a reason as to why they have just decided they never want to talk to you again. As a result you are just left guessing and making wild stabs in the dark. This can be very confusing and conflicting for a person. They may well still holding very strong and intense feelings for that person that they are just left wondering what to do with them. Because the person has cut off hasn’t sat down and told them “um sorry to say that this is our last conversation we are ever going to have, after this I will never to speak to you again or reply to any of your communication , these are my reason why blah blah blah ,so don’t hold out for me or think anything else other than I am out of your life for good, good bye and good luck.

Now that would be a hell of punch in the emotional guts but in reality it would allow the person at a minimum to move on. They know to expect nothing and any attempt to get more than nothing would be meet with nothing as promised. As this type of blunt and forthright statements are rarely made to the person left .So most are left with two difficult questions.

1 Why did they do this?

2. Will they every  be back in touch and if so when?

Although every person and situation is different there are common motivations as to why a person would do this. The first and most obvious is guilt, couple with being a coward .If someone has decided that they no longer want to continue, rather than dragging it out they find it easier to just cut off .They can rationalise this by thinking after a while the other person will get the message. Because they may have made some big emotional promise and possibly fuelled the very feelings they are cutting off from, there strong sense of guilt. Rather than facing the hurt and pain they are part responsible for ,it’s a lot easier to just run away and be a relationship coward .In my opinion there is also an other  more unconscious motive for not giving reasons and no closure.  It allows that person the possibility of re-appearing, if or when they want to. As they have not told the person to move on and let go, it becomes subtle way of leaving slight backdoor open to return.

Painful events always happen for a reason…um accept when they happen to me

Often in my readings I share with people the value of seeing the meaning and purpose in all of how life unfolds. I tell them when there in a painful scenario, that everything happens for a reason and nothing is by chance and nothing is inherently negative, challenging yes but negative no. This perspective is nothing new and has been repeated and phrased differently by many people, over many centuries. For me it’s a view that makes sense and can really help people gain perspective when we come up against difficult times.

Though I truly believe in the meaning of all things, it is something that is certainly easier said than done. The challenge of truly integrating this outlook I have lately felt in my own life. Recently I have ended up entangled in situation that has been very stressful, disconcerting and difficult to get my head around and make peace with. It has involved  the buying of property and the work involved taking from a empty plot of land into a liveable house. It’s a horrible feeling to know you have shafted while at the same time you know there is nothing on practical level you can do about it. What can then make it even worse is looking back and being honest about that fact that I put myself exactly where I am, maybe through unfounded trust, gullibility and lack of thoroughness in investigating what I was getting into but none the less it arose from choices I made. Then on top of all that I am aware that it hasn’t been the first time I have ended up on the raw end of a deal. As I you thought I had  learnt my lesson only that I obviously haven’t

The bottom line is according to my own perspective that  I espouse to my clients ,my own tough situation has happened for a reason, something good will come of it and the best thing I can do is accept it with a loving detachment. Umm I think…do I really say that to people? Umm this is not easy ,feeling so wronged and then asking of myself to see it as so right. As I can’t get it out of my head how this has set me back,I can’t seem to let go of the anger of feel toward myself , the supposed victim and them the supposed  villains .I have imaginary conversation and confrontations putting  it all right and getting justice, even though I know this will never happen. Up to now the only measurable outcome of what I have been going through is stress and struggle.

How Easter can help us let go of relationship pain and start anew.

Easter is here again .I have the important duty of working out where to hide my children’s Easter eggs .Being three and four years  old girls, they have to be hidden well enough for them to have fun but not too hard that they end up crying because they can’t find any(I have to make sure I remember to ,so one melted egg does show up three months from now) .As I walked through the  supermarket  looking for my essential  chocolate  mini-eggs I was surrounded by rows and rows of chocolate themed eggs . Easter is here and there no getting away from it, literally!  Malta ,the island I live in strange mix of overt  and celebrated Catholicism and stock standard  chocolate coated consumerism of modern Easter. Although I am no longer a practicing Christian, for myself there is powerful symbolism  surrounding Easter and central religious focus of the death of Jesus Christ  ,his pain, his betrayal, his death and the his eventual  resurrection. To me the ritual of Easter  possibly has more relevance and bearing to our own lives than we may think.

The story of Christ’s death and resurrection  tells us that even in the darkest and most difficult times, when we feel the most forsaken and alone , out of this pain there is the hope of renewal, re-birth and new beginnings. When we are in the midst of this hurting it can  be easy to forget this fact. There comes a point where we just don’t see the light, we  are  enmeshed with   our troubles  that is hard to see or understand the wider more meaningful narrative that we are part of. Yet in the same way our happy moments pass, so do our bad ones. The pain can often be prolonged not by the problem or event that started it, but rather through our unwillingness to truly let go and surrender our want for things to be different to what they where or are.

The difficult part is some feelings we can’t “partially”  let go of. Christ didn’t just partially suffer , he died on the cross .His rebirth  and accent into heaven could only occur once that death had taken place. Often in life we are faced with these realities, where the only way to truly have fresh start is to sincerely let go and die to what we are holding on to. Do this we must be willing to surrender our wilfulness, our need for an expected outcome and start trusting in the unseen forces that take hold once we hand over our pain over.

Dealing with Distance: What to do when someone you care about cuts off all contact.

If there one topic or issue that would be a reoccurring theme within my readings it would the issue of dealing with someone close cutting off or pulling away to the extent all communication has come to a halt. The person is often left with questions, concerns and general feeling of things being “unfinished”. Afterwards they then wonder if there holding on is based on  an intuition or some massive denial disguised as an ongoing connection. The problem is there is not a formula or general rule to apply to these situations. Each scenario is unique and particular to the two people involved.  Often the non-communication ends and things start back up again, other times it really is the finally curtain call for the relationship. Trying to know which one you’re in is often the purpose of people having a psychic reading. As their knife-like silence and absence creates a deep anxiety and fretful feeling that gnaws away at the person stomach. They know that to keep texting my make them look like a stalker which they don’t want to be perceived as  and they may have even suffered the modern  “slap-down” of a Facebook friend delete, which just furthers the panic. All this creates a heightened  sense of having no control over the outcome. We are not willing or wanting to let go but the other hand person has decide for now, they do. So what do you do? Is there any secret psychic trick that can get them to txt and get back in touch? The good news is there are things you can do to help you feel better and move forward. Bad news is there is no tricks and secret to get them to do anything, in that regards that silly annoying thing of peoples personal free will keeps getting in the way So for now it’s best to just stick with working on oneself as the most effective solution.

Getting in the right place

First thing I would try become aware of is that if there is any emotional state  you can move into that  may help compel them to re-communicate, it is less likely to be when you are feeling insecure, needy, desperate or any of those type of feelings. Let’s face it, when any of us feels those type of feelings from someone our basic gut reaction is pull away. If they are have already pulled back, dumping your insecurities in their direction will probably ensure more and more distance between the two of you. The hard part about not feeling so insecure, is the very act of someone we care about pulling away naturally invokes an insecure feelings. We are left with an emotional vacuum that their distance has now created , which is not easy to be indifferent to. The key here to not allowing the insecurity to spill over is to really try understand its root cause. It may seem to be about the other person but in truth whatever we feeling starts someplace inside ourselves .When someone cuts off we are bound to feel rejected .This can bring up feelings of low self worth and feelings of not being lovable .Even though we know they have pulled away for their own reasons we still personalising and think they on some level there is something wrong with us that has forced them away .If we really believe that is the truth, then it make sense we want to fix it on some level ,as we are attributing their distance to being our fault. What you may find helpful is to really start working on affirming to yourself how valued and worthy you really are,independent of what they do.As you sit with the feeling of being at peace with yourself you will find that the urge or intensity of wanting to communicate, or needing them to communicate will lift. Maybe not totally but enough for you to feel it’s made a difference As some of what you feel is your genuine desire to be back in touch but a large part of what going on is how insecure their distance has suddenly made you feel. By reminding yourself that you have no reason to feel insecure and you are whole and worthy ,will  help shift something in yourself focus wise .As the very act  concentrating first on your self worth  moves the focus away from them to you.

What happen when you just accept someone can’t commit?

I think it’s safe to assume if you were to ask the average Joe on the street what they want in life one way or another you would get the answer “To be happy”. Even if it wasn’t directly that, such as I want fame , money and power as your questions probed further that person may assume that all these other thing will lead them to being happy. So it makes sense if this is what most of us wants to ask the question “What is it that prevents us from getting it?”  What causes us the pain that prevents us from being happy?

Will getting what we want make us happy?

Through my own personal experience, as well as trying to help others, I see much of our pain and suffering come from us all the time wanting to change things we have very little control over. This applies not just with people and circumstance but with ourselves. You might be startled to note how many times through the course of a day you find yourself fighting “something” or “someone” in our minds .From the minor like “He should have indicated when pulled out in front of my car” or “The waiter should have at least apologised when they brought out my lunch order forty minutes late” or, to the major ones of  “I want my partner to more affectionate” ,”It’s unfair I didn’nt get the promotion” “I hate myself or being this overweight” .We are constantly evaluating our life interactions in terms do they give us what we want or what we expect.A good dayis made up of successfully getting what we want, a bad day is usually consistent of events and outcomes that far removed from what we want. Yet within this mindset most of us possess, we often fail to truly examine two pertinent questions

1)Is getting what want really the source of lasting happiness?

2) Why is it we huff and puff over things we have little or no control of?

No fighting, just accepting…

An alternative to this fighting is the practice of acceptance or non-resistance. When you imagine non-resistance you could envision just passively just “accepting” whatever comes your way. Kind of being a spiritual doormat. Yet we you really take a look its more the art of understanding what is you can’t and can control and not exerting energy and effort in pointless directions. This takes great trust in life and the “way of the universe” as just accepting goes hand in hand with letting go of our minds coveted outcomes, we are manoeuvring towards all the time.

There is a voice is my head that says I “should do”…should I?

I have an imaginary bird that sits on my shoulder that I call the “should-do bird”. Like my crazy monkey of crystal meth, it is one of the other voices in my head. Before you shout “crazy person” I remind you that we all have voices in our heads, that we commonly refer to as thoughts. A persistent and repetitive pattern of thoughts, I choose to call a voice and give that voice a name. It’s not exactly a psychological breakthrough, as the use of, or analogy of our “internal voices” is common in certain approaches of psychology. I personally find it helps to indentify these voices with names and clear understanding of what they have to say and contribute to my life.

The endless commands of my “should do” bird

As the various voices I live with go the “should do bird” is one I end up listening to a lot. It’s been there perched on my shoulder for as long as I can remember. Its role and function in my life is pretty simple and straight forward. It reminds me of all the things I should be doing, saying, thinking , choosing or taking action on. It’s the indefatigable and unwavering voice that write and re writes endless lists of what I should be doing. The should do bird honestly never, ever shuts up. Its orders range from basic house hold duties such as emptying the bins, to work related task like sending an email, moving on to creative objective such as writing an Oscar winning screenplay, next relationship issue concerning being more direct in how I communicate, then on to amendments to my personality like being more organised, to wider more global issue such as making a difference in the world, then the spiritual dimension has to be covered with is have a direct experience of the oneness of the whole universe and these are the ones that have been chirped out before I,m out of bed.

It’s orders never stop..

In addition to ordering me to do these things , the “should do bird’ also has the duty of reminding me of when I haven’t and lets me know overall how bad that is. As you can imagine my “should do bird” is pretty much ticked off at me most of the time as I rarely get to achieve all of what’s on my daily list of things to “do” and “be”. We also have to be clear, its not the should do birds job to praise or acknowledge when I have accomplished things. Its job is to tell me what to do or be and then remind me when I haven’t. Even when I am having a break or trying to take it easy , the “should do bird” is there telling me I should try and relax, thank you should do bird for that reminder.

Painkillers for free

It is often stated that we have more in common as people than what separates us. One very obvious example of this is the experience of pain and suffering. It seems to be an inescapable part of being human. The measure of how happy or great a life might be could be measured by how much pain and suffering you end up experiencing and how you dealt with it. Some of our pain comes from our choices and other pain can be unexpected, that we have no control over. This type of pain can be the hardest, as it feels at times so unfair or uncalled for .In my own life I have had my share of hardships and difficulty. I know for sure when I look towards my future I can confidently expect some more. Here are four perspectives that can offer some comfort. I know how I approach and view my pain can have a big difference in the severity of the impact .

1) Accepting as a fundamental premise that I have a limited amount of control over people and situations, this ensures my expectations are more aligned with the reality of life.

2) If my suffering, or the suffering of people I care for is just a consequence of random and meaningless universe then for me it’s harder to accept. Knowing that behind all things in life there is a cosmic or divine force that is loving and meaningful can help put into perspectives some of the pain that feels so cruel and unjust.

3) Everything that happens, no matter how tough in some way can help me learn something. Something about others, something about myself, my pain can be my teacher.

4) Sometimes the greater the pain, the greater the sense of reward and gratitude you feel when you breakthrough. Suffering allows our joy to be intense.

Having an outlook that that gives one perspective doesn’t make the pain any less but at least it gives it a context that makes it meaningful. One of my favourite writers is Kahlil Gibran. When friends close to me having gone through tough times I have sent them this is passage from his book “The Prophet”. It’s both inspiring and true. So if you are going through a painful moment take comfort in the fact you not alone and that buried in the suffering is some kind of treasure waiting to be found.

Transcending feeling negative

I read once that pain in life is unavoidable but suffering is. I interpreted that to mean that suffering is more a mental and emotional attitude to something, whereas pain just is. In my life I have had my fair share of both pain and suffering. Feeling negative seems a natural and normal part of living it would seem, sadness, hurt, despair and despondence all seem to be common experiences for most of us at one time or another. There is a balance on the one hand allowing yourself to feel and experience your pain in a healthy, unrepressed manner, then on the other hand there is the capacity of get entangled, caught and imprisoned by negativity.
How do we know when we positively acknowledging our pain or when we have become victims of self inflicted self pity? For me unless you have reached a certain level of Buddhahood there is a place for pain and suffering. From a theoretical point of view suffering only comes from a conditioned and false set of thinking and reacting, even if that is the case, we have to work with where we are, not where we could or should be.
The first step for this is about being emotionally honest with oneself. Maybe you have been asked “Are you ok?” With either a sad or angry expression reply “I’m fine!” when every inch of your tone and body language says otherwise. We can’t work through or go beyond something we are pretending not even to have, unless we are being truthful towards ourselves.
Our emotions have a reason for being there. They tell a lot about ourselves and where we are at inside ourselves.
So a second step can be to try observe how we feel from a non judging point of view, to be a witness to how we feel rather than a critic. We often have conflict that relates to voices inside our head arguing how we should or shouldn’t feel. This is a big part of how negative feelings take root as we don’t truly allow ourselves the right to have them. This starts at early age when as kids we are told by parents how we should feel as opposed to how actually we feel, this is later re-enforced by our society and culture.
For me I would say the hardest part that I face inside myself when it comes to transcending the negative feelings I have about myself or others, is the ability to view how I’m feeling from a point of compassion and kindness. So I first pretend I don’t have the feelings I have, then if it’s so obvious its undeniable I dismiss these feelings or justify them but what I don’t do is view them from a loving and compassionate perspective. This would be the norm, yet what I can say is I have had times that for whatever reason I have managed to step back, even just a fraction and look at my negative feelings with a feeling of compassion towards myself. When I have done this, these feelings seem to dissolve. It’s like when they have been acknowledged and allowed to be, they seem them to gently and effortlessly dissipate. Not only that but I have been able to see their value and gain some better insight to myself.
The things I have found helpful in eliminating negative feelings is more consistent practice of mediation and prayer, talking openly to others about how I am feeling, spending more time outside in direct contact with nature, how can one feel negative looking at the night sky or a field of wildflowers. Nurture a more loving attitude towards oneself which I genuinely believe is the key to so much of what we need in today’s world. So next time you find yourself in a negative place, try being honest, being open, and most of all be happy.