They don’t return calls, txt, emails and they have totally cut off………What next?

In my readings I come cross situations where a person gets involved with a person who at some point in that involvement that just cuts off. Not in way that  where they are back in touch two weeks later, this is a cutting off as in total “off the radar”,  permanent, no talk, no returning of text or calls, no reply to emails, being delete from facebook, a total and complete shutdown,shut off  and exit from their life.

This often is without explanation or closure. They don’t give a reason as to why they have just decided they never want to talk to you again. As a result you are just left guessing and making wild stabs in the dark. This can be very confusing and conflicting for a person. They may well still holding very strong and intense feelings for that person that they are just left wondering what to do with them. Because the person has cut off hasn’t sat down and told them “um sorry to say that this is our last conversation we are ever going to have, after this I will never to speak to you again or reply to any of your communication , these are my reason why blah blah blah ,so don’t hold out for me or think anything else other than I am out of your life for good, good bye and good luck.

Now that would be a hell of punch in the emotional guts but in reality it would allow the person at a minimum to move on. They know to expect nothing and any attempt to get more than nothing would be meet with nothing as promised. As this type of blunt and forthright statements are rarely made to the person left .So most are left with two difficult questions.

1 Why did they do this?

2. Will they every  be back in touch and if so when?

Although every person and situation is different there are common motivations as to why a person would do this. The first and most obvious is guilt, couple with being a coward .If someone has decided that they no longer want to continue, rather than dragging it out they find it easier to just cut off .They can rationalise this by thinking after a while the other person will get the message. Because they may have made some big emotional promise and possibly fuelled the very feelings they are cutting off from, there strong sense of guilt. Rather than facing the hurt and pain they are part responsible for ,it’s a lot easier to just run away and be a relationship coward .In my opinion there is also an other  more unconscious motive for not giving reasons and no closure.  It allows that person the possibility of re-appearing, if or when they want to. As they have not told the person to move on and let go, it becomes subtle way of leaving slight backdoor open to return.

Painful events always happen for a reason…um accept when they happen to me

Often in my readings I share with people the value of seeing the meaning and purpose in all of how life unfolds. I tell them when there in a painful scenario, that everything happens for a reason and nothing is by chance and nothing is inherently negative, challenging yes but negative no. This perspective is nothing new and has been repeated and phrased differently by many people, over many centuries. For me it’s a view that makes sense and can really help people gain perspective when we come up against difficult times.

Though I truly believe in the meaning of all things, it is something that is certainly easier said than done. The challenge of truly integrating this outlook I have lately felt in my own life. Recently I have ended up entangled in situation that has been very stressful, disconcerting and difficult to get my head around and make peace with. It has involved  the buying of property and the work involved taking from a empty plot of land into a liveable house. It’s a horrible feeling to know you have shafted while at the same time you know there is nothing on practical level you can do about it. What can then make it even worse is looking back and being honest about that fact that I put myself exactly where I am, maybe through unfounded trust, gullibility and lack of thoroughness in investigating what I was getting into but none the less it arose from choices I made. Then on top of all that I am aware that it hasn’t been the first time I have ended up on the raw end of a deal. As I you thought I had  learnt my lesson only that I obviously haven’t

The bottom line is according to my own perspective that  I espouse to my clients ,my own tough situation has happened for a reason, something good will come of it and the best thing I can do is accept it with a loving detachment. Umm I think…do I really say that to people? Umm this is not easy ,feeling so wronged and then asking of myself to see it as so right. As I can’t get it out of my head how this has set me back,I can’t seem to let go of the anger of feel toward myself , the supposed victim and them the supposed  villains .I have imaginary conversation and confrontations putting  it all right and getting justice, even though I know this will never happen. Up to now the only measurable outcome of what I have been going through is stress and struggle.

How Easter can help us let go of relationship pain and start anew.

Easter is here again .I have the important duty of working out where to hide my children’s Easter eggs .Being three and four years  old girls, they have to be hidden well enough for them to have fun but not too hard that they end up crying because they can’t find any(I have to make sure I remember to ,so one melted egg does show up three months from now) .As I walked through the  supermarket  looking for my essential  chocolate  mini-eggs I was surrounded by rows and rows of chocolate themed eggs . Easter is here and there no getting away from it, literally!  Malta ,the island I live in strange mix of overt  and celebrated Catholicism and stock standard  chocolate coated consumerism of modern Easter. Although I am no longer a practicing Christian, for myself there is powerful symbolism  surrounding Easter and central religious focus of the death of Jesus Christ  ,his pain, his betrayal, his death and the his eventual  resurrection. To me the ritual of Easter  possibly has more relevance and bearing to our own lives than we may think.

The story of Christ’s death and resurrection  tells us that even in the darkest and most difficult times, when we feel the most forsaken and alone , out of this pain there is the hope of renewal, re-birth and new beginnings. When we are in the midst of this hurting it can  be easy to forget this fact. There comes a point where we just don’t see the light, we  are  enmeshed with   our troubles  that is hard to see or understand the wider more meaningful narrative that we are part of. Yet in the same way our happy moments pass, so do our bad ones. The pain can often be prolonged not by the problem or event that started it, but rather through our unwillingness to truly let go and surrender our want for things to be different to what they where or are.

The difficult part is some feelings we can’t “partially”  let go of. Christ didn’t just partially suffer , he died on the cross .His rebirth  and accent into heaven could only occur once that death had taken place. Often in life we are faced with these realities, where the only way to truly have fresh start is to sincerely let go and die to what we are holding on to. Do this we must be willing to surrender our wilfulness, our need for an expected outcome and start trusting in the unseen forces that take hold once we hand over our pain over.

Dealing with Distance: What to do when someone you care about cuts off all contact.

If there one topic or issue that would be a reoccurring theme within my readings it would the issue of dealing with someone close cutting off or pulling away to the extent all communication has come to a halt. The person is often left with questions, concerns and general feeling of things being “unfinished”. Afterwards they then wonder if there holding on is based on  an intuition or some massive denial disguised as an ongoing connection. The problem is there is not a formula or general rule to apply to these situations. Each scenario is unique and particular to the two people involved.  Often the non-communication ends and things start back up again, other times it really is the finally curtain call for the relationship. Trying to know which one you’re in is often the purpose of people having a psychic reading. As their knife-like silence and absence creates a deep anxiety and fretful feeling that gnaws away at the person stomach. They know that to keep texting my make them look like a stalker which they don’t want to be perceived as  and they may have even suffered the modern  “slap-down” of a Facebook friend delete, which just furthers the panic. All this creates a heightened  sense of having no control over the outcome. We are not willing or wanting to let go but the other hand person has decide for now, they do. So what do you do? Is there any secret psychic trick that can get them to txt and get back in touch? The good news is there are things you can do to help you feel better and move forward. Bad news is there is no tricks and secret to get them to do anything, in that regards that silly annoying thing of peoples personal free will keeps getting in the way So for now it’s best to just stick with working on oneself as the most effective solution.

Getting in the right place

First thing I would try become aware of is that if there is any emotional state  you can move into that  may help compel them to re-communicate, it is less likely to be when you are feeling insecure, needy, desperate or any of those type of feelings. Let’s face it, when any of us feels those type of feelings from someone our basic gut reaction is pull away. If they are have already pulled back, dumping your insecurities in their direction will probably ensure more and more distance between the two of you. The hard part about not feeling so insecure, is the very act of someone we care about pulling away naturally invokes an insecure feelings. We are left with an emotional vacuum that their distance has now created , which is not easy to be indifferent to. The key here to not allowing the insecurity to spill over is to really try understand its root cause. It may seem to be about the other person but in truth whatever we feeling starts someplace inside ourselves .When someone cuts off we are bound to feel rejected .This can bring up feelings of low self worth and feelings of not being lovable .Even though we know they have pulled away for their own reasons we still personalising and think they on some level there is something wrong with us that has forced them away .If we really believe that is the truth, then it make sense we want to fix it on some level ,as we are attributing their distance to being our fault. What you may find helpful is to really start working on affirming to yourself how valued and worthy you really are,independent of what they do.As you sit with the feeling of being at peace with yourself you will find that the urge or intensity of wanting to communicate, or needing them to communicate will lift. Maybe not totally but enough for you to feel it’s made a difference As some of what you feel is your genuine desire to be back in touch but a large part of what going on is how insecure their distance has suddenly made you feel. By reminding yourself that you have no reason to feel insecure and you are whole and worthy ,will  help shift something in yourself focus wise .As the very act  concentrating first on your self worth  moves the focus away from them to you.

What happen when you just accept someone can’t commit?

I think it’s safe to assume if you were to ask the average Joe on the street what they want in life one way or another you would get the answer “To be happy”. Even if it wasn’t directly that, such as I want fame , money and power as your questions probed further that person may assume that all these other thing will lead them to being happy. So it makes sense if this is what most of us wants to ask the question “What is it that prevents us from getting it?”  What causes us the pain that prevents us from being happy?

Will getting what we want make us happy?

Through my own personal experience, as well as trying to help others, I see much of our pain and suffering come from us all the time wanting to change things we have very little control over. This applies not just with people and circumstance but with ourselves. You might be startled to note how many times through the course of a day you find yourself fighting “something” or “someone” in our minds .From the minor like “He should have indicated when pulled out in front of my car” or “The waiter should have at least apologised when they brought out my lunch order forty minutes late” or, to the major ones of  “I want my partner to more affectionate” ,”It’s unfair I didn’nt get the promotion” “I hate myself or being this overweight” .We are constantly evaluating our life interactions in terms do they give us what we want or what we expect.A good dayis made up of successfully getting what we want, a bad day is usually consistent of events and outcomes that far removed from what we want. Yet within this mindset most of us possess, we often fail to truly examine two pertinent questions

1)Is getting what want really the source of lasting happiness?

2) Why is it we huff and puff over things we have little or no control of?

No fighting, just accepting…

An alternative to this fighting is the practice of acceptance or non-resistance. When you imagine non-resistance you could envision just passively just “accepting” whatever comes your way. Kind of being a spiritual doormat. Yet we you really take a look its more the art of understanding what is you can’t and can control and not exerting energy and effort in pointless directions. This takes great trust in life and the “way of the universe” as just accepting goes hand in hand with letting go of our minds coveted outcomes, we are manoeuvring towards all the time.

There is a voice is my head that says I “should do”…should I?

I have an imaginary bird that sits on my shoulder that I call the “should-do bird”. Like my crazy monkey of crystal meth, it is one of the other voices in my head. Before you shout “crazy person” I remind you that we all have voices in our heads, that we commonly refer to as thoughts. A persistent and repetitive pattern of thoughts, I choose to call a voice and give that voice a name. It’s not exactly a psychological breakthrough, as the use of, or analogy of our “internal voices” is common in certain approaches of psychology. I personally find it helps to indentify these voices with names and clear understanding of what they have to say and contribute to my life.

The endless commands of my “should do” bird

As the various voices I live with go the “should do bird” is one I end up listening to a lot. It’s been there perched on my shoulder for as long as I can remember. Its role and function in my life is pretty simple and straight forward. It reminds me of all the things I should be doing, saying, thinking , choosing or taking action on. It’s the indefatigable and unwavering voice that write and re writes endless lists of what I should be doing. The should do bird honestly never, ever shuts up. Its orders range from basic house hold duties such as emptying the bins, to work related task like sending an email, moving on to creative objective such as writing an Oscar winning screenplay, next relationship issue concerning being more direct in how I communicate, then on to amendments to my personality like being more organised, to wider more global issue such as making a difference in the world, then the spiritual dimension has to be covered with is have a direct experience of the oneness of the whole universe and these are the ones that have been chirped out before I,m out of bed.

It’s orders never stop..

In addition to ordering me to do these things , the “should do bird’ also has the duty of reminding me of when I haven’t and lets me know overall how bad that is. As you can imagine my “should do bird” is pretty much ticked off at me most of the time as I rarely get to achieve all of what’s on my daily list of things to “do” and “be”. We also have to be clear, its not the should do birds job to praise or acknowledge when I have accomplished things. Its job is to tell me what to do or be and then remind me when I haven’t. Even when I am having a break or trying to take it easy , the “should do bird” is there telling me I should try and relax, thank you should do bird for that reminder.

Painkillers for free

It is often stated that we have more in common as people than what separates us. One very obvious example of this is the experience of pain and suffering. It seems to be an inescapable part of being human. The measure of how happy or great a life might be could be measured by how much pain and suffering you end up experiencing and how you dealt with it. Some of our pain comes from our choices and other pain can be unexpected, that we have no control over. This type of pain can be the hardest, as it feels at times so unfair or uncalled for .In my own life I have had my share of hardships and difficulty. I know for sure when I look towards my future I can confidently expect some more. Here are four perspectives that can offer some comfort. I know how I approach and view my pain can have a big difference in the severity of the impact .

1) Accepting as a fundamental premise that I have a limited amount of control over people and situations, this ensures my expectations are more aligned with the reality of life.

2) If my suffering, or the suffering of people I care for is just a consequence of random and meaningless universe then for me it’s harder to accept. Knowing that behind all things in life there is a cosmic or divine force that is loving and meaningful can help put into perspectives some of the pain that feels so cruel and unjust.

3) Everything that happens, no matter how tough in some way can help me learn something. Something about others, something about myself, my pain can be my teacher.

4) Sometimes the greater the pain, the greater the sense of reward and gratitude you feel when you breakthrough. Suffering allows our joy to be intense.

Having an outlook that that gives one perspective doesn’t make the pain any less but at least it gives it a context that makes it meaningful. One of my favourite writers is Kahlil Gibran. When friends close to me having gone through tough times I have sent them this is passage from his book “The Prophet”. It’s both inspiring and true. So if you are going through a painful moment take comfort in the fact you not alone and that buried in the suffering is some kind of treasure waiting to be found.

Transcending feeling negative

I read once that pain in life is unavoidable but suffering is. I interpreted that to mean that suffering is more a mental and emotional attitude to something, whereas pain just is. In my life I have had my fair share of both pain and suffering. Feeling negative seems a natural and normal part of living it would seem, sadness, hurt, despair and despondence all seem to be common experiences for most of us at one time or another. There is a balance on the one hand allowing yourself to feel and experience your pain in a healthy, unrepressed manner, then on the other hand there is the capacity of get entangled, caught and imprisoned by negativity.
How do we know when we positively acknowledging our pain or when we have become victims of self inflicted self pity? For me unless you have reached a certain level of Buddhahood there is a place for pain and suffering. From a theoretical point of view suffering only comes from a conditioned and false set of thinking and reacting, even if that is the case, we have to work with where we are, not where we could or should be.
The first step for this is about being emotionally honest with oneself. Maybe you have been asked “Are you ok?” With either a sad or angry expression reply “I’m fine!” when every inch of your tone and body language says otherwise. We can’t work through or go beyond something we are pretending not even to have, unless we are being truthful towards ourselves.
Our emotions have a reason for being there. They tell a lot about ourselves and where we are at inside ourselves.
So a second step can be to try observe how we feel from a non judging point of view, to be a witness to how we feel rather than a critic. We often have conflict that relates to voices inside our head arguing how we should or shouldn’t feel. This is a big part of how negative feelings take root as we don’t truly allow ourselves the right to have them. This starts at early age when as kids we are told by parents how we should feel as opposed to how actually we feel, this is later re-enforced by our society and culture.
For me I would say the hardest part that I face inside myself when it comes to transcending the negative feelings I have about myself or others, is the ability to view how I’m feeling from a point of compassion and kindness. So I first pretend I don’t have the feelings I have, then if it’s so obvious its undeniable I dismiss these feelings or justify them but what I don’t do is view them from a loving and compassionate perspective. This would be the norm, yet what I can say is I have had times that for whatever reason I have managed to step back, even just a fraction and look at my negative feelings with a feeling of compassion towards myself. When I have done this, these feelings seem to dissolve. It’s like when they have been acknowledged and allowed to be, they seem them to gently and effortlessly dissipate. Not only that but I have been able to see their value and gain some better insight to myself.
The things I have found helpful in eliminating negative feelings is more consistent practice of mediation and prayer, talking openly to others about how I am feeling, spending more time outside in direct contact with nature, how can one feel negative looking at the night sky or a field of wildflowers. Nurture a more loving attitude towards oneself which I genuinely believe is the key to so much of what we need in today’s world. So next time you find yourself in a negative place, try being honest, being open, and most of all be happy.