Expectations: How they hinder and how they help our romantic relationships…

When do high standards become unreasonable expectations in the search for new love?

Will a lack of expectations limit the quality of relationship you attract ?

Psychic medium Ewan Nicholson explores the role of expectations in creating successful and lasting relationships.

When I was seventeen I had a Peruvian friend Humberto , who took me to a family friend for a coffee cup reading. At that age I was already reading tarot cards and I had a keen interest in all things “paranormal.”  I had never had tea cup or coffee cup read, so I was quite curious to see how it was done and what it would reveal.

The Mermaid in the cup…

The lady in question was very friendly and like most psychic didn’t use any props. She gave me a small espresso size cup and poured a thick and bitter Turkish coffee. When I finished it she asked me to turn it upside down on the saucer, which I did. After a minute or so she picked it up and started to examine the images she saw. She told me she saw an airplane and actually showed me where in the cup it looked like that, as it was like making pictures from clouds. She told me the airplane showed travel, possibly overseas.At that time I was booked to fly out to the UK, so I thought that was good to start. There were a few other things she saw but the one thing I remember to this day, was the fact she saw a “mermaid. She explained this as meaning I was romantically looking for something that didn’t exist and I needed to be more realistic and grounded when it comes to getting involved. She explained to me that sometime love comes gradually as result of time and getting to know someone, so she said it was time I gave someone a go and stopped being so choosey.

A psychic truth.

What was so striking about that insight was how precisely true it was, but it was a truth that was privy only to me. What she saw was something inside me that I knew was true but was unable to be honest enough to admit it. Although I can never really know for sure if it was the total reason but, when I looked back I see that reading as being the trigger to what opened me to my first real relationship.

Dealing with Distance: What to do when someone you care about cuts off all contact.

If there one topic or issue that would be a reoccurring theme within my readings it would the issue of dealing with someone close cutting off or pulling away to the extent all communication has come to a halt. The person is often left with questions, concerns and general feeling of things being “unfinished”. Afterwards they then wonder if there holding on is based on  an intuition or some massive denial disguised as an ongoing connection. The problem is there is not a formula or general rule to apply to these situations. Each scenario is unique and particular to the two people involved.  Often the non-communication ends and things start back up again, other times it really is the finally curtain call for the relationship. Trying to know which one you’re in is often the purpose of people having a psychic reading. As their knife-like silence and absence creates a deep anxiety and fretful feeling that gnaws away at the person stomach. They know that to keep texting my make them look like a stalker which they don’t want to be perceived as  and they may have even suffered the modern  “slap-down” of a Facebook friend delete, which just furthers the panic. All this creates a heightened  sense of having no control over the outcome. We are not willing or wanting to let go but the other hand person has decide for now, they do. So what do you do? Is there any secret psychic trick that can get them to txt and get back in touch? The good news is there are things you can do to help you feel better and move forward. Bad news is there is no tricks and secret to get them to do anything, in that regards that silly annoying thing of peoples personal free will keeps getting in the way So for now it’s best to just stick with working on oneself as the most effective solution.

Getting in the right place

First thing I would try become aware of is that if there is any emotional state  you can move into that  may help compel them to re-communicate, it is less likely to be when you are feeling insecure, needy, desperate or any of those type of feelings. Let’s face it, when any of us feels those type of feelings from someone our basic gut reaction is pull away. If they are have already pulled back, dumping your insecurities in their direction will probably ensure more and more distance between the two of you. The hard part about not feeling so insecure, is the very act of someone we care about pulling away naturally invokes an insecure feelings. We are left with an emotional vacuum that their distance has now created , which is not easy to be indifferent to. The key here to not allowing the insecurity to spill over is to really try understand its root cause. It may seem to be about the other person but in truth whatever we feeling starts someplace inside ourselves .When someone cuts off we are bound to feel rejected .This can bring up feelings of low self worth and feelings of not being lovable .Even though we know they have pulled away for their own reasons we still personalising and think they on some level there is something wrong with us that has forced them away .If we really believe that is the truth, then it make sense we want to fix it on some level ,as we are attributing their distance to being our fault. What you may find helpful is to really start working on affirming to yourself how valued and worthy you really are,independent of what they do.As you sit with the feeling of being at peace with yourself you will find that the urge or intensity of wanting to communicate, or needing them to communicate will lift. Maybe not totally but enough for you to feel it’s made a difference As some of what you feel is your genuine desire to be back in touch but a large part of what going on is how insecure their distance has suddenly made you feel. By reminding yourself that you have no reason to feel insecure and you are whole and worthy ,will  help shift something in yourself focus wise .As the very act  concentrating first on your self worth  moves the focus away from them to you.

There is a voice is my head that says I “should do”…should I?

I have an imaginary bird that sits on my shoulder that I call the “should-do bird”. Like my crazy monkey of crystal meth, it is one of the other voices in my head. Before you shout “crazy person” I remind you that we all have voices in our heads, that we commonly refer to as thoughts. A persistent and repetitive pattern of thoughts, I choose to call a voice and give that voice a name. It’s not exactly a psychological breakthrough, as the use of, or analogy of our “internal voices” is common in certain approaches of psychology. I personally find it helps to indentify these voices with names and clear understanding of what they have to say and contribute to my life.

The endless commands of my “should do” bird

As the various voices I live with go the “should do bird” is one I end up listening to a lot. It’s been there perched on my shoulder for as long as I can remember. Its role and function in my life is pretty simple and straight forward. It reminds me of all the things I should be doing, saying, thinking , choosing or taking action on. It’s the indefatigable and unwavering voice that write and re writes endless lists of what I should be doing. The should do bird honestly never, ever shuts up. Its orders range from basic house hold duties such as emptying the bins, to work related task like sending an email, moving on to creative objective such as writing an Oscar winning screenplay, next relationship issue concerning being more direct in how I communicate, then on to amendments to my personality like being more organised, to wider more global issue such as making a difference in the world, then the spiritual dimension has to be covered with is have a direct experience of the oneness of the whole universe and these are the ones that have been chirped out before I,m out of bed.

It’s orders never stop..

In addition to ordering me to do these things , the “should do bird’ also has the duty of reminding me of when I haven’t and lets me know overall how bad that is. As you can imagine my “should do bird” is pretty much ticked off at me most of the time as I rarely get to achieve all of what’s on my daily list of things to “do” and “be”. We also have to be clear, its not the should do birds job to praise or acknowledge when I have accomplished things. Its job is to tell me what to do or be and then remind me when I haven’t. Even when I am having a break or trying to take it easy , the “should do bird” is there telling me I should try and relax, thank you should do bird for that reminder.

The nature of denial

How often do we hear the expression “she/he is in denial”? In my own life I have felt the blinding and crippling impact of denial. Of course we are not talking denial in the meaning of refusing a request, we are referring to its definition meaning “An unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings” .Obviously the tricky part of denial is that important word “unconscious” .It’s easy to look back at an ex that might have been just using us, after the whole drama has unfolded. The issue is how can we be more “conscious” of what is going on, not with hindsight but with the midst of the situation itself. Another important word to observe within the definition is the word “defence” .You could also use the word “protect” or “to safeguard”. It is like a part of us can’t handle the truth so we build an almost imaginary reality layered on top of the real reality. We choose to believe, defend and uphold this reality, even though to others it is obvious or even absurd. To us our denial enables us to continue to believe and function. I can see in some cases how denial maybe a way to ensure we stay sane and balanced. .Particularly as children, maybe some realities are too hard for our fragile and vulnerable minds to face, so be build up a layer of denial to protect our psyche from too much direct trauma, particularly if there is little we can do to change the reality. Yet for most of us as adults who are able to deal and change our circumstances, denial then only serves in general to blind us to a reality that either doesn’t suit us or doesn’t serve us. When I look at my own life the areas of my biggest denial relate to problems I have had and my relationships. My denial is my public dishonesty, first with myself, then the rest of the world. When I look back it does seem obvious what I was in denial about but at the time it wasn’t. So if I follow that logic I can only assume that right now there must other things I hold be true that I could be in denial about. So what do I do to work out what’s true and what is false? To be honest I don’t have a clear answer, this is something I am working on, and probably will continue to be working on the rest of my life. Some pointers I can share with you on some characteristics of denial that can make it easier to indentify. A big red flag and flashing neon sign that you may be in denial is defensiveness, the same word mentioned in the definition. When someone say’s my employee is taking advantage of me and being lazy, then I get angry and defend them it could mean I am in denial. Maybe I afraid if I admit it that it shows I am a push over, a poor manager. Maybe it means the friendship I thought we had was imaginary and he was just using me .Either way when we loudly defend something it can be sign of denial. Avoidance is another sign of denial. When someone broaches something and I say “look I just don’t want to talk about it” when they ask “why?” and I reply “well I just don’t” in a snappy and curt manner it could be another sign.

The Art of Reading and Understanding Mixed Messages

Part 1: Why Do We Give Mixed Messages? In theory, communication is a simple concept: I say something and you respond appropriately; I express what I want or leave it if there is nothing I feel inclined to say. It may be simple, but it is not easy. Perceptions, emotions and all of the differences between us get in the way. This is where the confusion and misunderstanding comes in. This is where mixed messages thrive.

When we are in a relationship or a developing relationship, because our feelings are running high and are so important, we can become very confused if the other person starts to display mixed messages about their interest in us.

These messages can come in the form of what they say or their gestures. One week they may display closeness and interest and the next week they may leave a call unreturned or ignore a sms. Now they are acting as if they are not interested and want to avoid you. You may think that that is the end of the relationship. However, the confusing part is to come: out of the blue, they may suddenly contact you, decide they are really keen and start behaving in ways that show their enthusiasm for you.

This is what is commonly referred to as giving mixed messages in a relationship. It is a “come-to-me; go-away; come-to-me” style of interaction.

The source of mixed messages… We all know the feeling of being confused and unsure as to what we want. The way in which we speak and behave depends on what is going on in our hearts and minds and our experience of the world. There are always so many thoughts and feelings running through us that we simply can’t act on all of them. Some we tune into and others we let go.

When you are at the receiving end of mixed messages, the person giving them is alternatively responding to their desire to be close to you and then their need to withdraw. They are responding to their feelings that surface at that moment in time. You must not consider it in absolute terms, in other words that they either do or don’t like you, as they are simply behaving according to their inner world. Your experience of them matches their internal experience. People give mixed messages because they have mixed feelings going on inside them! Understand yourself in order to understand them…