Do Nothing! A new way of dealing with a man who has commitment phobia.

It’s a theme that I discuss regularly on this blog but its theme that I deal with regularly in my readings, it’s the issue of    acceptance. On one hand it’s a simple and straight forward principle to practice , on the other hand it seems to grate and push against our instincts and drives. When faced with a scenario where someone is not feeling the way we want them to feel, we have hard time just accepting that this is the way they feel. We link accepting  this with giving up and defeat. We then get caught in polarity that either I am pushing and striving to make the relationship better, or I depressingly throw in the towel and walk away.  Yet often we fail to see that our “pushing” and “wanting” for that person to be different, could be a contributing factor that keeps them in the place where we don’t want them to be.

Acceptance is not about defeat, acceptance is solely about acceptance .If a person say, is unwilling to commit, they say upfront that they don’t want too much involvement. Acceptance is just respecting that person’s right to feel that way . Acceptance is practicing not fighting and struggling to get what you want, by trying to change the way another person feels. It can be tough and quite confronting, as our mind if often scheming and plotting to somehow, in some way, get what it wants. This could be more love, more commitment, more time, more contact, less distance, more communication, the list goes on .As we hold an idea in our mind of how we want that person to be and subtlety are pushing them into that place .We think if only they could commit and feel they way I want them to feel then everything would be ok.

The tricky part with acceptance may have to face the fact that the person we want to be a certain way, just isn’t that way. That doesn’t mean we have to water down the things we are desserving of, rather we just fully accept that this person is unwilling or unable to give us what we want at this moment. Choosing to continue with that person is then our choice, a choice we make with a honest understanding of where they are and want their willing to give .If someone decides to continue , whilst just accepting other person commits fears, they then may struggle with the feeling like the other person is now just getting things their way. It may feel like the relationship is now just shaped around their preferences and inability to commit .Yet the reality is, if they are unwilling to give more and really do only want something on their terms, then acceptance takes us away from the hope of a more commitment in the future that allows us to avoid the present.

Can a person sense if I am needy?

The answer is:” Yes the definitely can!” being needy is not something that we can easily hide. Most of the time it’s so obvious that they can tell from the first date. I will walk you through the most obvious signs of neediness. Understanding where the problem is can help you fix it. No one likes needy, clingy people, this is a turn off for most of us. Here’s what your date sees and why they might interpret as neediness.

Lack of confidence on the first date. First date ends, you look at them with an insecure smile and ask: “Did you have a good time?” This might not appear such a big mistake, but your date can interpret it as being insecure. If you were confident you would not even ask if they had a good time, you’d already know. You should be asking them “So, where shall we go next time?” You don’t have to use the exact same words, but you get the picture. Confident people know what they want, and this is what we are all attracted to, right? Confident people.

When is a good time to call them? Here’s a situation when you can have “needy” written all over you. The three days rule is obsolete. No one has to wait so long to call someone they like. This doesn’t not mean you should call them right after you date, to ask if they got home safe, then call again in the morning to ask how they slept. Or, if they haven’t called you back, you start emailing or texting, to ask them if they got your call. Just give them time to breathe and have time to miss you. Use common sense, don’t appear desperate. Call them once, after that, it’s their turn.

You say “yes” to everything they say. Ok, we all like to be right and have people agreeing with what we say. But we don’t always expect from our date to say “yes” to everything that comes out of our mouth. This translates into:” I don’t have an opinion of my own, so I’ll just go ahead and accept whatever you say and do whatever you want me to.” And you don’t want them to think that, do you? Again, we get to confidence. If you are confident and smart, you will stand up for what you think, even if it means contradicting someone you like. Don’t be afraid to disagree sometimes, they might even like you more if you do.